Confronting the OP: Death of Trust

You must remember that confronting the other woman or man is just a part of the infidelity healing and restoration process.

Confrontation may be seen (as in the case study below) as an end – to stop the affair.

Stopping the affair may work (depending on the type of affair, the degree to which your spouse “truly” wants out of the affair and other factors) but after the confrontation healing of substance and trust building begins.

In this case study, the confrontation did stop the affair, but there was zilch left in the marital relationship.

Case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I found a txt message on my partners mobile phone” When are you coming back paul, I miss you. Love Lyn x I was furious. I wrote down the number then confronted my man. I was leaving for a trip in 3 hours. He cut up the sim card and said it was “done”. I called her number during a stop over. My heart was racing. I had proof , tangible proof finally that she was in contact with him. He is easily swayed, if I wanted this to stop I had to make her pull away. So began a tirade of calls, hang up, txts, emails etc.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Others who cared for me helped in the quest to bully her out of our lives. There was a duplicate page for her on Facebook, looked the same but hell was it full of truths and warnings to others – men and women- about psychos like her that use Facebook to prey on our men. It worked, she sent him an abusive email – derogatory toward not only myself but also him. Wishes she had never met him. Threatened him with the police. I want to be sure it has stopped but can not be certain. He is clever with the computer, I see his trail.(He doesnt think I know where to look) he has visited new public email sites and signed up. He doesnt access these when I am around. When I confronted him previously he denied everything – even with very tangible evidence, tried to lie his way into an explanation. He didnt have my advantage though… he didint know how much of the big picture I was seeing. make a list… see where the dots connect…keep following the path. its so easy.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I wouldn’t do it again. He is on his final warning. If he gets caught I walk – and he will find himself in mountains of trouble financially, I am the major wage earner! If I were to do anything differently – it would be to do nothing differently. I waited patiently to find this slags address or phone number – one cant intimidate by email, its too easy to be blocked. She was so damned cocky, figured he would choose her – even though the affair was electronic and conducted across state lines. I learned so much, and renewed a vow to myself never to give 100% ever again. I will never fully trust a man, even this one ever again – hurts too much when you get the kick inthe guts- right where the intuition was screaming at you to wisen up to things, face and confront!

Confronting the OP: When Infidelity is Over

With the separation physically and emotionally almost complete (resolution of the relationship) the wounded spouse calls the OP out of concern – mostly.

It’s time to move one. Calling the OP was probably one of the final pieces in that moving on process.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

Tired of bill collectors calling and figured his lack of money was due to still giving her money. Now separated so figured I had nothing to loose and she should know the truth about what she was getting into. Also to tell her I tested positive for an STD. She should know and although my ex knew about it and said he had told her, he didn’t after all…she doesn’t deserve to have anything, but it came from her in the first place, most likely.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She and I had a good conversation and she did keep it confidential. I think she would rather have the truth than find out later on. Wish his ex’s wife had filled me in. She agreed. Supporting someone is not fun when there is nothing in return but more cheating.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Wouldn’t change a thing.