Healing after Infidelity: 2 Critical Factors

December 1, 2008 by Leave a Comment

In this case study the person talks about the importance and effectiveness of charging neutral – a skill I coach and teach and vital to coping with infidelity.

What helps makes charging neutral effective for her are two critical factors:

1. Her spouse seems to be pretty much on board in terms of wanting to repair the marriage. Taking her reactivity out of the equations helps the healing process. This can be true for an emotional infidelity or other types of affairs.

2. She talks about her affair years earlier. This fact gives her empathy and understanding for the plight of her husband. Charging neutral then is an easier skill to employ.

After my initial shock of finding out my husband had been having an affair for about 2 years and after I acted like most people yelling screaming throwing things. I stood back and decided I really wanted our marriage to work. He had made the decision to break away from the affair when I did discover about it so I think that sort of made it easier for me. I think I used the “charging Neutral”method by sitting down with him and acting very cool and just stating the way I felt and what we both must do to try and make it work. I stated the facts like we have been married for 30 years and we do still have a good relationship that we can make it happen again as long as he wants to. I had also had an affair 10 years ago and at that time I told him face to face he did not find out any other way just me telling him. So we bought that up again and discussed the fact that he felt like me all that time again and we made it work again once so why not this time. Maybe my circumstances are a little different to most but it has now been 2 years since his affair was discovered and I think we are through it. I do still get moments where I want to check a few things out to make sure he has really made a clean break but I think that is normal!

Filed Under: After the Affair Tagged With: , ,

9 Signs of Infidelity and an Extramarital Affair

November 29, 2008 by Leave a Comment

I asked my readers when they first began to suspect infidelity or an extramarital affair. Here are 9 responses to first discerning the signs of infidelity:

1. Said she loved me but was not in love with me!

2. I first noticed signs when my oldest child, a son was about to graduate from high school. He became more aloof towards me, began losing weight, wearing cologne to work, passwording his e-mail and telephone, etc…classic symptoms that I tried to pass off as empty nest signs.

3. The 60 minute appointment (masseuse) once a week became twice weekly ritual. Phone records showed he was calling her obsessively. Caller ID showed me she was calling him but she’d hang up when I answered. Friends reported him helping her at her shop (hanging pictures, assembling furniture)…trust me, he isn’t handy at home

4. Aloofness when at home. Distant. Stopped having sex with me. Lying about where he was or was going or just leaving without saying anything.

5. He became cold, hostile, argumentative, picked fights,was on his computer late at night, accused me of spying on him. Annoyed if I tried to have a conversation. Told me not to ask him any questions. Just before I found out, he said he didn’t want sex anymore unless I would do certain things he wanted that he knew I found offensive.

6. his appearance and staying late at work

7. regular going out, irritability

8. He was still coming home from work (he owns the business) at his “normal” time – always “works” late – but smelled of booze- was sometimes to the point of being glassy eyed and wobbly – had a smug look on his face – like he was proud of himself for blatantly disrespecting my wishes – I had agreed to marry him only after several years of him not drinking (he frequently drank to excess when we were first dating). I looked in his day timer and found notes that he was keeping about how he went back to the bar every day for several days – just in case she was working – and then about his daily meetings with this waitress.

9. 3 months after it started. Talking on the phone alot (CELL). Then caught in the motel by her husband.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , ,

Confronting the other Woman: Revenge affair

November 28, 2008 by 1 Comment

Another case study: Confronting the other woman when facing a Revenge affair.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

The OP had no idea my husband was married. He had told her he was divorced. He travels and she was living in the state he was working in during those months. My motivation was to verify if he had told me the truth about her and their relationship…he hadn’t, he had left out alot and tried to smooth over the details so I wouldn’t know just how involved they were and how much he had betrayed me. His was a revenge affair against me.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She was apologetic because she didn’t know, and felt horrible for hurting me unknowingly. And had alot of anger towards him as well. She assured me that if he contacted her in any way she would let me know. She also brought to light some of his lies he kept telling me for the next year AFTER the affair. She contacts me every once and awhile to see how I’m doing and vice versa. We formed an awkward friendship of sorts, trying to repair ourselves. Neither one of us hates the other in any way, and have leaned on each other for emotional support occasionally. She supported me when I decided to stay with my husband and work things out. It’s been a long road.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No I would not do it differently. Especially since he was lying to both of us, I felt responsible to clear the air as to my status with him (yes we were married, i was 9 months pregnant when i found out.) I learned that when the cheating spouse is found out, they want the discovery anger to be brief and the recovery to be quick. And they will deny details to ensure that happens (i.e. i only saw her once a week , when really, he saw her every night, etc.) I learned that I can be the bigger person, and even through the hurt I could forgive the OP in this situation and see the situation for what it was.

Coach’s Comments:

Let’s assume that her assessment is correct; that it is a revenge affair. (Affair type #5 in my E-book, Break Free From the Affair.)

If facing this type of affair, one is confronted with slippery slopes. By that I mean, it’s often very difficult to nail down exactly what is happening. It’s difficult to get a straight answer. One often wonders what the spouse is thinking. And, one picks up on this undercurrent of hostility that says, “leave me alone.”

Some refer to this as “passive aggressive” behavior. The husband was exhibiting the same behavior with the other person – withholding, passively controlling and in essence, limiting intimacy.

Confronting the other person brought clarity and the truth. When the husband was confronted with the truth the gig was up.

Please know that this revenge affair did not slide into a rage affair. Perhaps, over time, if the wife continues confronting the underlying resentment more intimacy might emerge in the marriage.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: ,
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