Timing and one’s source of strength are crucial in confronting the other woman. Bad time and reactivity spells and mistake and DISASTER.

Read this case study and my comments below:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I couldn’t really believe it was happening and wanted to hear from her mouth the truth (which I didn’t). Then I wanted to tell her she was evil to destroy a family. I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to make her go away. I thought I was strong and powerful enough to do this.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She said lots of hurtful things to me right back! Basically, that it was my own fault. I collapsed on the floor sobbing in front of my husband. I did not then get the response and help I wanted desperately from him either; I felt and experienced to my horror that he seemed to be on her side. It was an unmitigated disaster from all angles. Probably one of the top 2 or 3 worst experiences of my life.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

It was a mistake to confront her in anger, it just made things worse–and I had not thought things could get worse. But it is so hard when you are confronted with infidelity in someone you love and trust and have built up a life with over so many years! I think the only time it might be right to confront the other person when your spouse has fallen madly in love with them is when one has been able to calm down, and would not be confronttional, but I think in this situation it is a losing battle. They are a team, they are together. I was out. I was confronted with this ugly reality. I think its better just to confront the spouse, which keeps the focus and the power on whatever is left of your relationship. Bringing in the other person gives them power. And all this being said, I still have fantasies of telling her what I think of her! In some ways I am glad I did, but if she ends up marrying my husband and is step mother to my young child, then having her and myself hating eachother is also not a good outcome, which a confrontation in a passionate affair will engender (at least it did in mine).

Coach’s Comments:

1. The first 7 words written by this person are key: “I couldn’t really believe it was happenning.” It appears she was in a state of shock and disbelief. This is NOT a good time to confront the other person. The feelings are raw and unexplored. There is no center from which to operate and stand firm.

2. As well, the anger and rage have not subsided which makes the confrontation very raw. Strong and powerful are not to be confused with angry and “I’ll let her have a piece of my mind.” In reality, approaching from an position of rage and revenge is a position of weakness.

3. Preparation for the confrontation is vital. Exploring every possible scenario and a brutally honest evaluation of whether one is ready to handle what s/he might discover is crucial.

4. This person’s timing was obviously off. Perhaps after a couple of months of moving through the shock, anger and rage she might be more ready.