When infidelity occurs character wins – in the long run.

Here’s a case study of confronting the other woman in which the character of the other woman emerges.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I wanted to see her face to face. She had visited my home with her husband and even came to dinner parties, twice. Clearly this kept me off track so I wanted to talk to her. I had already spoken with my husband but I thought her behaviour was really very bad. I was always under the assumption that people having affairs would want to keep it very secret and the fact that she had wanted to visit my home and meet my children was, to me, psychotic.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I was very calm. We met at my sister’s apartment and spoke for about 2 hours. My husband joined us towards the end. I got the usual junk about how hard it was for her to make female friends (barf!). Her intent was to tell me that it basically was a friendship gone too far. Unfortunately, my husband and I had spoken at length and in great detail before I met with her so I was able to discount much of what she was saying. She was from another country and had faked meetings to fly here and see my husband and so I was able to ask her why a “friendship” required physical contact. Anyway, I really got tired of her quickly and told my husband to drop her back at her hotel. I was done with her. He let me know that she was afraid that I would tell her husband. A few weeks later I did tell him due to some other stunt she pulled. I have no idea where or what she is doing now. That was 6 years ago and I am still going through recovery with my husband and it has its upsides in that we are closer. Nothing I have ever experienced has come close to being as devastating and I am a cancer-remission-survivor- who at one point was told I may not live for more that 5 more years!!
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
I would do it again in a heartbeat just to see for myself that she was really an awful human being. I learned that she really didn’t matter in the long run.

Coach’s Comments:

1. The character of a person does count for something. Character- or lack of it – shines through. A person’s inner moral compass, a person’s set of values; the way they make decisions based upon those values of what is right, uplifting and wholesome for them often are set aside during an affair. An affair is a suspension of character.

2. For some that lack of character is a deeply ingrained trait. In reality they probably are not aware that s/he lacks character or has a an inner compass that guides decisions. An affair therefore, is fairly easy for him/her. His/her lack of character continues long after the affair ends.

3. The lack of character in this other woman became obvious. Lack of character is very unattractive. The cheated upon wife obviously had insight to pick up on this and as she implies, tired of the other person. Fortunately the cheating husband also was able to see this lack of character.

4. It was extremely helpful to have the “blessing” of the husband when it came to confronting the other woman. This is proving to be an important element in making the confrontation constructive and avoiding the soap opera status.