Coping with Infidelity

Infidelity changes one’s life. New ways of coping and viewing self, others, family, marriage and the future emerge.

Here’s a question I posed:

1. List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU? For example, how has is changed what you think about? how you spend your time? how you think of yourself? etc? Tell a story or give examples of how your life is now different.

Even though I know the affair is not my fault, I think about ways I could make myself better. I continue to try and push away the negative and think about what positive has come out of this. Weird thing to say but I can breathe easier knowing that some positive things have come of this. My life is completely different, my husband has decided after 45 days of me finding out and not seeing or speaking to me about anything that he wants a divorce. Needless to say I was absolutely crushed, my family is destroyed or feels that way, we have two children of our own and my nephew who we are guardians for. Our son is 7 and our daughter is 18 mos old. All of a sudden, the dream I thought we both were striving to achieve was on pause while he was put on active duty to support the war. Instead I find that he had an a ffair with a married woman who has four children, he didn’t even cheat right, he told her he was divorced that his wife, whom he still loved left him. I am torn inside in a way that I have never felt before. Our friends and family were surprised but I wasn’t and that is the part that hurts. Through this I have found faith to help me through the rough days and family and friends support is always good. I spend my time trying to stay busy

Healing from Infidelity and Affairs: The Journey

The healing journey for affair and infidelity recovery can be difficult and long. Successfully walking that journey can, however, provide tremendous satisfaction and discovery.

Here are real people in different stages of infidelity healing letting you know what they are doing to heal and recover:

>>>>Went for walks together Went out for social events together

>>>>face the facts talk about the feelings understand why it happened

>>>>I did NOT give an ultimatum about stopping seeing the OP or asking him to leave. We stopped shouting and talked like adults. We still do things together e.g. family stuff, household chores. He still sees the OP and I’ve a long way to go. His guilt prevents moving forward.

>>>>1. I just backed off. I listened about the other person and heard the areas where there was a void that was filled. 2. Since I didn’t do a lot of good things through this, I don’t sling mud over the transgression. This has helped a lot with opening the doors to meaningful conversation without arguments or sore feelings that would undue months of work. 3. I am in no hurry to fall back into old patterns. So when he is ready to come home, great. If not, then he can continue to stay in his apartment and we will just continue to date. Since he hasn’t expressedan interest in seeing his son too much, am not forcing them to be together. We’ll work on us first then our son.

Confronting the Other Woman: Former “Friend”

What happens when a person confronts the other woman who was a friend?

Check out this case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My husband and the other woman keep saying they were just friends and that they were not having an affair, i wanted to talk to her to get things straight from her, she was my very good friend as well. We meet 2 times and I asked her questions about situations, but the answers were ones she and my husband had come up with to cover there behinds.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She lied about everything. She said they were just friends and that they had to talk to each other and meet because of the committees and things they were on together.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I am not sure I would do it differently. I need answers and although I did not get those answers at the time I found out the liar she was and her true self was revealed in time. I learned that even if you get answers it does not help because there are some things I will never understand. Plus you only know what a person wants you to know. My friend deceived me, she went after my husband and would still take him to this day.

Coach’s Comments:

1. What is a friend? What are the markers or characteristics that tell you that a friend is a friend? What qualities do you want in a friend? How do you truly know they are there? What level of self disclosure do you need and expect in a friendship?

2. Many types of affairs (“I fell out of love…and just love being in love,” “My Marriage Made Me Do It,” and “I want to be close to somone…but can’t stand intimacy”) often involve a kindled relationship of someone fairly close – neighbor, couples with whom you socialize, common friend, and in some cases, extended family members. Feelings are stirred that may develop into infidelity and a triangle whereby the three, who were once friends, now dramatically change the relationship.

3. When confronting the “friend” know that the relationship as changed. Do not expect favors or the disclosure of truth. It may happen, but probably not. Once boundaries are crossed, it’s very difficult, well nigh impossible, to go back and expect “friendship.”