Confronting the other woman may trigger the game of uproar.

Case Study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

On the day I found out had made a phone call to a number my husband had called several times the night before.( I grabbed his cell phone) A woman answered. Eventually after asking her several times if she was having an affair with him she said yes.I then proceeded to tell her a few things about our relationship she was unaware of, like we were going away for 3 wks ( she thought he was going on a business trip)that we still slept together( he told her we didn’t) and that he had a sexually transmitted disease.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

We were both keen to meet and to confront him as he had been lying to us both. It didn’t change anything as he continued denying it all and they are still together.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I learned that she could never be my accomplice or aid in bringing him to his senses no matter how many lies he was telling her .I asked him to move out which she had no doubt been hoping he would do for years so I played right into her hands.She was angry with him and broke it off briefly but needs his financial support. She is a big spender,bankrupt and unemployed and he has a good job. She drinks at the pub he frequents after work which is where she met him.We have caught him out on a few lies on other occasions but now I have backed off . She is also involved with another married man from time to time,but they are still together.He tells me he is caught in a web he cant seem to break free from.

Coach’s Comments:

1. Eric Berne (sp), an author in the 70s describes a game that many couples play called “uproar.” The intent of the game is to keep the pot stirred, which provides “juice” for the relationship but seldom leads to intimacy. Thus you have a purpose of the relationship, yet it seems “safe” for those who fear the true intimacy of knowing and being known.

2. The above case study seems like a game of uproar. And, this time there is a triangle of 3 that keeps the juice flowing. Uproar is often game played when an addiction (alcohol in this case?) is involved.

3. The remedy for uproar is to state one’s position by charging neutral and back away. Declaring one’s self [without referring to the other person(s)] reduces the power of the game and sets boundaries which also makes the game less fun. Boundaries are the anathema of uproar. This tactic is especially important when facing the “I fell out of love…and just loved being in love” affair.