Confronting the other woman may create a nightmare, as this person discovered. Also the issue of co-dependency is broached.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

Actually, I did not confront her, but forced my husband to re-face her after a period of 5 months abstinence to see if he still really loved her. He met her at her place of work for 15 minutes and found he did, and in facing her once again, made her think that he might still divorce me. When he did not contact her for several weeks after that last meeting, she called with intense anger and told him to never call her again. This made him turn all of his anger toward me. He felt that I had essentially confronted her in a way, and caused her to stop waiting for him.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

He had hoped that she would still be waiting if our marriage didn’t work out. We have not been able to move forward because she is always essentially “in the backyard of his mind.” In other words, he’s not been totally committed to our reconciliation, though he says he has been. Because of my inability to “charge neutral” 100 percent of the time (I’ve had numerous “slips”), and because he is so angry at the thought of losing her, he now wants a divorce. And he’s called her to say he wants to start dating her again, and she’s said OK. What a nightmare I (we?) have created. We’ve been married 42 years, he’s had numerous affairs, though until this one I was only aware of one other 25 years ago, for which I had forgiven him. I thought after that one, that he would never cheat on me again. Wrong! He actually continued that affair without my knowledge right up until the time he met this new love. He believes he has finally found his soul mate.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would not have insisted that he see her once again. I had thought that, after 5 months, if he saw her again, he would be able to make up his mind, because he has not been able to get her off his mind. Dumb. I learned that was a huge mistake. Also, during the last few weeks, attending s-Anon meetings, I have learned that I am a co-dependent, that he is a sex/love addict, and that there is no hope for “WE” unless we both continue serious involvement in the 12-step programs for these two “diseases.” I am hopeful that we could repair our marriage, he has no hope. I am in despair, but I know that I will survive and am very grateful for your book, which I keep referring back to when I need some good advice.

Coach’s Comments:

1. Triangles don’t work. Attempting to get accurate information through a triangle is often futile as this person discovered. Not only did she not shed light on his position, it backfired and became a nightmare.

2. Are “co-dependent” people (I really don’t like that term. I find it diffuse and difficult to understand, and I believe it’s difficult often to separate “co-dependency” from one’s sensitivity to others. Any way…) more susceptible to triangles? I believe so, in the sense that caring, sensitive people often tie into others with great intensity and rely upon that bond to get adequate information to make decisions about the distance and intimacy in a relationship.

3. If one shares a sensitivity to people, one must take care in not relying upon that process to make personal and relational decisions. The best bet: Self disclosure of where one stands and tuning into the messages received from the other person, with a continual process of clarifying those messages.