Confronting the Other Person: Check Alliances First

March 20, 2009 by Leave a Comment

I’ve read several instances where it was helpful to confront the other person if first there was some level of self disclosure by the cheating spouse about the affair. In other words, the cheating spouse was perhaps beginning to shift allegiance from the other person to the spouse.

If there is no self disclosure by the cheating spouse, and none can be elicited, it’s doubtful that confronting the other person will be helpful.

This scenario points to this fact:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I found out my partner was having the affair with her and couldnt get any answers from him. I just had to know what was happening.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

It did no good whatsoever and they carried on seeing each other to the point where I told him to leave. He did and has lived with her for two and a half years. It broke my heart.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

If only there was a chance to handle it all differently. I would have not told him to leave and tried to weather it. It may have burned out by itself. I just lost control and didnt think at all and just reacted very badly and now there is no chance ever to be with him.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: ,

Are we Raising a New Generation of Cheaters?

March 19, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Saw an interesting article in USA Today a couple days ago. It was an interview with “Dr. Drew” – the TV self help guru.

He was talking about our tendency to focus on Celebrities as our role models.

Here’s part of the problem; however – many celebrities are internally fueled by their narcissism.. their need for attention, their need for excitement and chaos and their need to have others mirror back to them their greatness and stature.

This seemingly wonderful and exciting external behavior often masks a deep emptiness and barrenness of soul. The celebrity fears the day when s/he will be truly found out. As well, Dr. Drew points out that the “celebrity” often is attempting to cope with a history of profound childhood trauma.

The “Celebrity” often develops a sense of entitlement, as in others or the world “owing” him/her his self pleasure. Others are there to serve him/her.

The “celebrity” status is not confined to “Hollywood Stars.”

I think of the adulation we baseball fans heaped upon Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa in their home run duel, all the time cheating with their drugs.

I think of AIG CEO’s accepting their obscene bonus money probably without a whimper. After all, they are entitled, aren’t they?

I think of pampered athletes demanding new contracts… or they will hold out.

I think of politicians believing they can “get away with” sleeping around, hiring hookers or having an affair.

There is a theme or pattern in all of this: MY personal needs, desires or wants come first. Yes, I’m entitled to that. And, others ought in many ways at least close their eyes and allow me do what I want to do.

We watch this. Our young people watch their “celebrity role models.” And, so we focus externally, looking out there for our excitement, fun and “success.” Those who achieve this “success” become our models.

But we slide on a slippery slope, sliding towards that emptiness and barrenness of soul that “successful ones” desperately try to avoid. We cheat on others (and ultimately ourselves) because we lack the internal compass – the values learned in failure, dedication and discipline and from riding the uneven ground of life’s journey that includes heart break, loss, gain and joy… sprinkled together.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: ,

Coping with Infidelity When It’s Not Going Well

March 16, 2009 by Leave a Comment

What happens if the cheating spouse has seemingly no intentions of admitting the affair, is not remorseful, and fails for move off course of his/her destructive path?

How do you maintain yourself, keep your focus and keep the life of your family intact when this happens?

And, please remember, once we discover infidelity we tend to be hopeful that it will soon end and the marriage be restored. This does not always happen.

Here are some responses from my readers. Note I use the words “charging neutral” to describe a skill needed to intervene with the spouse and maintain ones’ equilibrium.

Reader #1:

1. What goals have you set for yourself and what got the best results to help you feel better and charge more neutral?

My goal is to close the gap in the broken circle that was once my family. i thought i needed my “husband” to make my circle complete but i am learning to close it myself. i have realized that the only person i can really count on is myself ( and my parents of course). i have focused on healing my children and i am getting a part time job.

2. Jot down a turning point between you and your partner that helped the two of you move in a positive direction. Tell the story, if you would.

Reader #2:

The turning point is me accepting the fact that he will never show “remorse” or take responsibility for his actions. this way i can dictate the provisions of his visitation with my children and state my financial needs and not feel greedy. i just decided that i have not had what i have needed or wanted for so long that it is now time for me. i have also realized that even though i am lonely, everything good i do will lead to something else.

He has made himself out to be the victim, even though he is the one who betrayed me and my family. It is infuriating to know that he has justified everything, and rationalized his behavior, to absolve his own guilt. For the sake of his adult children, I have asked him to face the truth, but he will not. … You asked for goals. My goal is to restore the relationship, which seems impossible at this point. For myself, I exercise regularly and that has been a great way to keep my stress under control and help me get the sleep I need. I pray daily and this helps keep me focused on my inner peace, knowing that I must rely on God for my strength and for guidance in making wise decisions. It is still very difficult to be around him because of his attitude, so mostly I avoid it. This gives few opportunities to “charge neutral.” Recently, I told him I will not tolerate the disrespectful way he treats me. He immediately said he does not disrespect me. I listed several actions that I find disrespectful. Since then he has stopped doing some of those things.

Reader #3:

1. What goals have you set for yourself and what got the best results to help you feel better and charge more neutral?

In my situation, I have tried to learn the lessons and take positive advice away from this. I am on a quest for spiritual growth and want to improve form the inside. I am not hiding form new relationship, but I want to be able to look at them and know for sure what I am getting into.

2. Jot down a turning point between you and your partner that helped the two of you move in a positive direction. Tell the story, if you would.

My wife of 15 years (53 years old) is deep into a mid life crisis. She has turned 18 all over. She ran off with a guy who does not even have a job, is an alcoholic, does drugs, and who knows what else. I tried for a year to work with her but to no avail. After reading Break Free and learning about the type of affair I was dealing with (my marriage made me do it) I came to the realization that Dr. Huizena’s advice about taking care of your self and improving your own life is the best way to handle all this mess. I had to laugh at myself when I read about the 12 things you should not do. I did them all. And I was feeling terrible about myself. I kept looking for the mistakes I had made that caused my marriage to fail. After reading the book, I started working on me. I am in counseling and am working on why I am the way I am. I probably will never see my ex wife again. I really do not care at this point. I am getting to the place that I feel good about me. I am pursuing my personal goals, have changed jobs (more money) and am just improving my life in all areas. Once I started working on me I realized that the affair issues were hers and not mine. She is living the life she created and I am much better off without her. Make no mistake it took a long time to see this and get to this point. I still have a ways to go. My ex has refused to acknowledge her role in all this and blames the marriage or me for our failure. What a load of horse hockey. The more I see her for what she is, the easier for me to move into a positive direction. Come to the point of knowing that it is not your fault and you did not do anything wrong to make your spouse have an affair. Look to your spiritual beliefs to help you move forward. I did. Take care of your self.

Filed Under: Infidelity Impact Tagged With: , ,
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