Coping with Infidelity: Healing From the Pain

March 25, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Infidelity creates a different world and a different perspective. It forever alters one’s life. One scrapes the bottom of the negative feelings and thoughts, encounters the worst of one’s self.

At that point decisions are made (mostly unconscious, I believe) that move the person toward health. There is ALWAYS an internal part of each of us that works for our health the well-being.

Coping with infidelity is a matter of embracing that part.

Here are three comments from readers that describe where they started with infidelity.

“The affair made me very mad and disgusted because this is not who I thought he was or that he could do this after 22 years of marriage. After reading your book, I now focus on what I need realizing that I am not to blame. My communication has changed, emotions are under control and I have a life to live. I stopped thinking about how to fix this and work on the new normal which is, working on me.”

“1)I use to have a feeling of complete security. That as long as he was alive, he would be there for me if I had a time of need. That secure feeling is gone. Life seems more risky. I now know there might not be a safety net. 2) I don’t feel completely committed anymore. I have one eye out for assuring that our joint decisions don’t have negative repercussions for me if we aren’t together until death do us part. 3) I miss the unconditional love feeling I used to have for him. However, to protect myself from ever hurting that badly again, a part of me is staying a little reserved. I love him, but I’m holding a little back so that if he hurts me again, it won’t be quite as painful.”

“— IMPACT — * FEEL INFERIOR, LESS OF A MAN, BEATEN, A FOOL. * USED * BETRAYED * SAD — CHANGE — * NO FAITH IN MARRIAGE OR WOMEN * BROKEN HEART (X3) THAT MAY NEVER HEAL * NO TRUST FOR MY WIFE — SPENDING TIME — * EXERCISE/WEIGHT LIFTING/TAKING CARE OF MYSELF * CONSTANT SURVEILLANCE; CELL PHONE BILLS/COMPUTER * PONDERING LIFE WITH A REAL COMPANION. This is the third time I have been cheated on. My current wife an I are still together but it is not the same. She wants me to forgive her. She has no idea what this has done to me. I am a good looking and successful man, yet she had a fling anyway with another married man at the urging of whom were once her friends. She is not capable of taking care of herself. In fact she was fired for lack of performance and “misuse” of the internet at work. This was most likely the e-mails she was exchanging with the other man. Her former employer liked me very much, however, they had their reasons to fire her. She is now a house wife now. I feel she is waiting for Mr.Wonderful ($) to come along a rescue her. In the meantime I have developed a insecurity problem and am trying to deal with this the best I can. I think she really does love me but she does this because she can’t help it. Time will tell. I don’t think I have control of this one.”

Filed Under: Infidelity Help, Infidelity Impact Tagged With: , ,

Infidelity and Low Self Esteem, Ego and Neediness

March 23, 2009 by 1 Comment

Continuing my series on Confronting the Other Person:

Let’s make a couple distinctions about the types of affairs that might be helpful.

Low self esteem, ego and personal needs can be viewed differently.

Low self esteem as I use the phrase has more to do with affair #6: “I Need to Prove my Desirability.” The cheating spouse has an affair with the intention (usually unconscious) of building that self-esteem which has been lacking for as many years as s/he can remember.

Ego often refers to someone in the “I Don’t Want to Say No” affair who inflates his/her sense of self worth. This is the big “ego” that feels entitlement.

The person in the scenario below I would imagine is someone with powerful, but unrecognized, personal needs. The affair was an attempt to fill a void with those personal needs – most likely, an “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love” type of affair.

The confrontation worked because it reigned in his personal needs, something he probably had a difficult time doing, but knew he must.

Another take away from this scenario. The confronting spouse felt badly after the confrontation because she was not whom she wanted to be. A good lesson – for any situation.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My husband was forced to take early retirement. His self esteem and ego must have been very low at the time, and he went into an affair which lasted for 7 months. Obviously he denied it, although his phone records proved that he was in contact with the OP at least 3 times a day whilst I was at work. He said that it was purely business. I decided not to contact the OP, but phoned her husband and told him of my suspicions.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

After this, it was like a swarm of bees – with calls being made backwards and forwards with all parties concerned. My husband denied emphatically to the OP’s husband that nothing was going on, but they both got such a fright, that no further contact was made with each other, to my knowledge.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No, I wouldn’t do it differently. The only thing I regret,was that I lost my cool in the end. I just wished I had never blown my top and told the other woman what I thought of her when she started shouting at me on the phone. I was actually lowering myself to her level.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , ,

Confronting the Other Woman: After 10 Years

March 22, 2009 by Leave a Comment

The confrontation of the other woman in this scenario seemed like a long time in the making, but once it happened tremendous relief and power was experienced. As well it was the final cog in her decision making process of whether to stay or go.

The wounded spouse spent 10 years with her gut saying something was wrong – which there was. so, one can imagine her lightness, at moments, discovering the truth and with it her strength, power and capacity to move on from a toxic relationship.

Also, please note that she was able to elicit the truth from her spouse, before the confrontation with the other person.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My purpose was to acquire more information in order to help me process the whole ordeal and determine the severity of involvement between the 2 of them. As I had already heard from my wayward husband I needed to hear her take on the relationship. I feel that I received what I wanted to hear and it helped me to sort through the lies and process better. It was from this conversation that I realized that filing for divorce would at least put the outflow of cash to the other woman under scrutiny.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I approached with dignity and respect not aggressive but definitely assertive. Do you love him? Response: oh no it’s not like that he just advised me as to how to open my business. We’re just friends. My response : OK the jig is up you can quit lying because he just admitted everything. Her response: Crying and oh my god my therapist says I’m not a bad person, I’m not a bad person. Me: I had no response to that. Me: Were there many hotel rooms and dinners locally as well as abroad? Response: Well yes there was some of that in the beginning. Crying crying crying her not me- Me; thanks for your time

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I learned that they both become so entrenched in their lies that even when busted they still preserve the lie. I learned that she does love him. I learned that she is in therapy for this and something bigger than this likely a child from this union. Yet to be proven. I learned above all that my gut was right. A ten + year affair is tantamount to another marriage and there is no easy out. I learned that there allegiance resided with each other and not with us the spouses. I discovered my core strength, my control of my emotions and my capacity for the most difficult decision of my life…to end my 26 year marriage to a man who could lie cheat and steal both emotionally and financially from his wife and children with no compunction, remorse,or reservation.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: ,
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