Scripting what you will say is vitally important in confronting the other person.

A large percentage of my infidelity coaching with individuals is just that… developing a script that will say powerfully and without reactivity (charging neutral) the truth of the situation.

And, I firmly believe that that truth will set free and unclog the channels of deception, lies and secrets.

Now, the script that one forms, what is said, is dependent on the type of affair. The script crafts articulately that which will have the most power in the intervention.

Here’s an example of what I’m talking about:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My purpose for confronting the other woman, after my husband’s earlier affair, was closure for myself. I had to show both her and myself that i could be the “bigger” person. I told her that what they did was wrong, extremely wounding to our family, but that I was going to stay with my husband, since he ended the affair and confessed to me, and learn what forgiveness meant. I also told her that I was going to forgive her FOR MYSELF, whether or not she deserved it.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I did just that, and did it well, although I must admit to feeling a little victory as I saw the surprise and a bit of fear on her face when she saw me walk into their office.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I learned that a script is a MUST for confrontation. (I had one.) The injured spouse’s motives for confrontation must be clear and the script must fit those motives. No attacking-that will just set the OP in his belief that you are all the bad things your betraying spouse said about you to the OP. I will not confront my husband’s current OW. He has chosen her over me, filed for divorce, and I see no use in confronting. I still have to work on forgiving them both, if only for my own sake, but there has been no expression of remorse or indication of a turn-around after two years involvement.