Coping with the Affair: Loss of Control

March 29, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Coping with the affair often means dealing with the reality of losing some control… perhaps much control.

Your life is sent into a tailspin of confusion, fear, anger and pain.

Underneath this is often the thought that you no longer can control your present life or future.

Read how this reader responds to my survey:

1. List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU? For example, how has is changed what you think about? how you spend your time? how you think of yourself? etc? Tell a story or give examples of how your life is now different.

I have no life. I can’t seem to take care of basic needs that were so easy before. I’m not sure if it’s his intention, but I feel he’s in control of my life. We can’t have a discussion without it turning into an argument. All I wanted was the truth from him. His story about what happen. What he did with her. There are things I know. (I found), there are things he’s told me, and there are things he says. His story doesn’t make sense. I feel like I have pieces to a puzzle, and I can’t put it together. I don’t want to love him anymore. I want to live a basic life again. I wanted a chance to forgive him, and trust him If only he trusted me with the truth.

Filed Under: Infidelity Fears Tagged With: , ,

Coping with Infidelity: Getting Out of the Triangle

March 28, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Much of coping with infidelity, at least the initial rush of fear and panic, involves the capacity to stand back and assume a different perspective, a different way of thinking about your circumstance.

You see, we all have deeply ingrained assumptions about ourselves, about love, about marriage, about relationships that we have gathered along the way that are… well…. just plain inaccurate and distortions of reality. (Too much television, movies, gossip and grocery market tabloids, I suppose.)

Being slammed with infidelity means being slammed by our distortions and inaccuracies.

Once we stand back mentally and are capable of putting together a new way of thinking, the awful feelings subside, we react less and act more.

Here are a couple comments from those who are in the process of making that shift:

1. “As soon as I downloaded the E- Course and started reading it the initial ‘blind’ panic subsided and I started immedialtely to shift my concentration from the horrible negative and hopelessness I felt from my husbands affair. The immediate quote that gave me so much strength was the line – ‘The affair is NOT ABOUT YOU!”.- IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I some how separated myself from the turmoil I was in – it was a bit like leaving a room where two people are arguing I somehow managed to realize that the problem was their problem and this thought was the first positive and very powerful thought that got me thru those first couple of very painful days. Three weeks on we are talking, talking talking, some days are good and then there are the times that I feel angry and hurt, but I seem to handle these bad times much better and when I do have these down days I go back and re-read the E-Course book and keep reminding myself that it is not about me. This way I am able to disassociate myself from the triangle. I am able to become more rationale – talk more rationally and think more rationally. i am also thinking more about myself and where I am going – I am going to use this experience to get on top of my fears and I have told myself many times and now do really believe it that ‘I will be okay’ – believe me without this wonderful book there is no way that I would have every got to this stage. – Thank you so very much.”

2. “It (Killer Mistakes e-course) has given me a different perspective on things by helping me to deal with the hurt in a different way.”

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , ,

Confronting the Other Woman: From Shock to God

March 27, 2009 by Leave a Comment

This is another story of confronting the other person. My thoughts on this scenario:

1. Being in shock is usually not a good time to confront the OP. The confrontation is knee-jerk and may have dire consequences. The consequences in this scenario were not so dire (she was able to control her rage) but the confrontation did not help either.

2. After reading dozens confrontation stories it appears that confrontation appears to work best if there is some sort of alliance with one’s spouse or if the cheating spouse is ambivalent about the infidelity or is on the way out of the affair.

3. Approaching a confrontation is always best if the focal point is on your needs, your strategy, your care and maintaining your integrity. If the confrontation is reactive, not much good can occur.

The healing for this woman took place once she was able to shift her focal point away from “what he/they did to her” to her own internal striving to find peace and worth (her connection with God.)

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I was in such a state of shock I felt compelled to see the person my husband had chosen to derail our 36 year relationship. I wanted to confront her and let her know there was no more hiding what she had done to our family, and tell her to stay away from my husband.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I sent a text message from my husband’s phone (as though from him) asking her to meet me (him). She invited ‘him’ to come to her house because they (she and HER HUSBAND [he knew, too and they had been ‘working out’ the 3-some arrangement–she’d had many affairs and they had both been ‘swingers’ with neighbors–ugh.]) were up. I told her I didn’t want to see her husband tonight, only her…so a 2 am, she drove to the meeting point to see my husband, and when she drove up, I got out of my car, got into hers, introduced myself and said, “I understand you’ve been sleeping with my husband. I want this to stop and for you to stay away from him. She hung her head and said “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.” I told her my husband would have to make up his mind, because I would not share him with her, and would not stand by and allow their relationship to continue. Then I left–went home and was awake for the next 3 days. I felt like my husband had hit me with a sledge hammer. I was like the walking dead for a long time.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

In a way, I wish I’d been more forceful and (in my fantasy–I wish I’d crushed her like the snake she was!!) But that’s not me. I tried to forgive him and talk things out, tried to believe he was still the wonderful man I’d loved all my life and he would do the right thing to save our family. For 7 months we went to counseling–but he secretly continued to be with her. He lied, she refused to stay away from him, and I learned I was not prepared to cope and handle things in a rational way. I tried to be super wife, and as he continued to deceive me I became more unraveled. I simply could not wrap my mind around the fact that he had changed so drastically under her influence. He never actually told the truth, they ran away and he went to work one morning and never came back. I had to work very hard to stop loving him, to accept the reality that he was not the same man, and father that we had known and loved. They lived together for 4 months before she was divorced, and 4 more months while we were still married. They hid, he could never speak to me face to face. Text messages!! It sickened me to see his cowardice, because he had always been my hero. We divorced in 2005, they married in 2006, and he’s still not happy, but afraid to leave her and have to deal with financial and emotional issues again. I’m stronger than I thought, more peaceful and happy than I had been for years, and healthier–without the stress-related illnesses that had plagued me for years. I learned a lot of other things about myself, a realistic look at how things had changed over the years and I had resigned myself to accepting a less than satisfactory life. Life is good now, and God is my center instead of my husband being my ‘god’. It was a blessing–but a VERY hard lesson to learn.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , ,
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