This question often is pondered when someone is thinking, “Should I stay, or should
I go? Should I remain in this relationship, or should I exit?”

“What am I tolerating; what am I putting up with, and how long do I put up with
that?” is also considered when one thinks about reconciling with a cheating husband
or a cheating wife.

“If we get back together, if we have a workable relationship, what again am I going
to tolerate or put up with? And for how long?”

These are very, very important questions.

Most of us tolerate way, way, way too much.

Most of us are fearful of taking a stand. Most of us are fearful of drawing a line,
fearful of what might happen if we draw a line.

But when we do draw a line, or when we do take a stand, other people, in my
experience, respect that and admire that, and wish they were like that.

So how much do we tolerate? How long do we tolerate it? And how can we move out of
tolerating too much or putting up with too much?

Here’s an exercise that will get you on the road of learning how to get rid of the
tolerations in your life, live a freer life, and make you much, much more
attractive.

Get a piece of paper and pencil.

Make a list of the top 10 things that you are tolerating at home, in your
environment or at work. What are the top 10 things that you are tolerating in your
home, or at work, or in your environment?

Just write quickly, those things that you think about when you think about what
you’re putting up with in that environment.

Second, make a list of the top 10 things that you are tolerating or putting up with
in terms of yourself: I’m too passive. I’m too angry. I’m too aggressive. I’m too
depressed. I weigh too much. My hair isn’t right.

What is it that you’re tolerating or putting up with in terms of yourself?

Third, take another piece of paper and write down the top 10 things that you’re
tolerating in your relationship.

I’m tolerating a rollercoaster relationship. I’m tolerating a boring relationship.
I’m tolerating an angry relationship. I’m tolerating and putting up with a
relationship in which there’s a lot of distance. I’m putting up with a relationship
in which there’s no sex.

Make a list of the top 10 things that you’re tolerating or putting up with in your
relationship.

Fourth, make a list of the top 10 things that you’re putting up with or tolerating
with him/her.

What does s/he say, or s/he do that I must tolerate?

List the top 10 things, and then begin working toward ridding those tolerations. Go
back to the first list; it’s probably easier there to begin eliminating some of
those tolerations.

Once you eliminate the toleration, notice how you feel.

Notice what happens in your environment.

Begin at list one, go to list two, list three, and list four, and begin the process
of putting up and tolerating less; taking a stand and making yourself more
attractive.

Then see what happens in your relationships and see where your decision making
process takes you.

After you calm and center yourself it’s time to explore the different types of
affairs.

Knowing the types of affairs enable you to become familiar with the dynamics of the
relationship with your cheating husband or your cheating wife.

Different strategies exist for a particular kind of affair.

You may be looking at more than one type of affair, but choose the affair that seems
most fitting for your particular relationship.

Choose a strategy and begin experimenting.

Take small steps. Don’t throw out everything at once, but take very small steps and
wait for the response.

When you get feedback, take another step.

For example, let’s look at the affair, “I Want to Get Back at Him or Her.”

This affair usually exhibits a simmering resentment and anger that sometimes moves
to rage.

In that type of affair an often effective strategy is to make his or her anger right.

Now it may seem rather weird to make his or her resentment or anger right, but that
strategy is important for that type of affair.

The strategy helps him or her move through the resentment and/or rage and influences
the direction of the adultery or the affair.

Let’s look at “My Marriage Made Me Do It.”

In “My Marriage Made Me Do It” there’s also anger, but it’s a different type of anger.

Backing off is a recommended strategy.

In backing off you refuse to become the victim. You refuse to be the recipient of
his or her blame.

And then you make comments — or meta comments as I call them — about the situation
or about the relationship.

Break Free From the Affair gives examples of meta comments you can use. You can
modify the statements to fit your style or create you own.

Let’s look at another kind of affair, “I Want To Be Close To Someone, But Can’t
Stand Intimacy.”

In a stagnant marriage or relationship, the cheating partner will triangle in a
third party to balance the issue of distance and intimacy.

I recommend a strategy in this particular kind of affair is called “Leaping Your
Partner,” in which you break through the stagnation and the impasse between this
distance and intimacy wall by personally and professionally taking your own leap of
growth.

This often is highly disturbing to the cheating spouse and disturbs the relationship
and offers hope for reconciliation and growth.

The key is experimentation. Choose and experiment with different kinds of strategies
related to the kind of affair that faces you.

Now that question may seem rather strange, because most of us don’t want to go there.

We don’t want to go there because it probably is exceedingly painful, and what we
try to do is we try to get rid of this pain or we try to alleviate this pain.

We may medicate ourselves because we don’t want to feel the pain. We may drink
ourselves into oblivion because we don’t want to feel the pain. We may shop till we
drop because we don’t want to feel the pain. We may try to escape to some island
because we don’t want to feel the pain. We will try to go somewhere so that we don’t
feel the pain.

It is very common to try to not feel the pain, not to think about our worst moments.

But I want you to think about your worst moment, and here’s why.

What is pain? Pain is a belief that I want something, and I’m not getting it. I
want something that’s extremely important for me, and it’s not happening.

Now let’s relate this to infidelity.

Infidelity may trigger thoughts like… I’ve always dreamt of having a family — of
having a loving, warm, beautiful family — and it’s in jeopardy right now. That’s
what I think about in one of my worst moments.

Or pain may mean I always thought that I was going to live with someone forever and
that we would have a happy life. I never dreamt, never thought that I would never
get divorced, and now it’s a possibility.

Pain may mean I’ve always wanted others to be proud of me, to be successful, and now
with this I feel like a failure. I feel extremely sad that I’ve failed.

Or it may mean that I have always put hope on being a sexually desirable person. I
wanted to be wanted, and now I’m cast aside. And, I’m sexually replaced by someone
else.

So this is your pain. This may be part of your pain.

Enter into this pain. Face it.

And you ask yourself, “When I feel this pain in my worst moments, what are the
thoughts? What is it that’s really, really important to me?”

Your pain will lead you to that place in which you discover what is vitally
important for you.

So follow your pain, and your pain will lead you to your dreams, your hopes, and
your aspirations.

And if you have a difficult time facing the pain, ask yourself, “What does this
mean that I feel this pain? What does it mean that I’m thinking this?

Continue to ask yourself that question.

I’m in my pain. I must want something. What does it mean to me that I’m here? I use
this statement with people sometimes who are in pain. I say, “Gold is refined
through intense heat.”