It’s Thanksgiving time in the USA.
Time to eat, be with family, eat, be with family and give thanks.
Maybe this is a sad time for you.
Maybe it’s a confusing time for you.
It’s probably a painful time for you.
And, where does the pain come from?
Most of the time, it’s my experience in working with thousands over the past two plus decades, that fear resides under your pain.
You are afraid of losing; of losing your family, losing your home, losing your spouse, losing your pride, losing your dignity, losing your respect, losing what you have worked so hard for, losing your dreams, losing your hopes, losing your health, losing sleep, losing your job, losing to another person….
The list could go on. You perhaps can fill in more of the blanks.
And, if you’ve been through infidelity you know that the list of fears is long… very long. It seems as if EVERYTHING is at stake with infidelity. You feel like you stand on the edge of losing it all.
How do you get through this? How do others get through this? (And yes, they do… all the time. They emerge on the other side better, brighter, richer, more peaceful, more confident, more able to handle life.)
How are you able to use the mantra “This too Shall Pass” so that it sticks in your soul and gives hope?
What gets you there? Where do you start?
Can you give thanks on this day?
Please know this: Underneath all the fears, all the pain, all the confusion all the garbage you wade through at this moment is YOU.
Yes, YOU are there. YOU, with your beauty, (although you may not think it.) YOU with your strength (some days you wonder.) You with your power to love and give (maybe not feeling like that now.) YOU with your capacity to dream (although is seems the dream fades.) YOU with your warmth to touch others (although you may not feel like touching.)
Yes, there is YOU. And no one can EVER take that YOU away. That YOU will NEVER be lost!
Do you know that YOU now? Can you welcome beneath your anguish and fear that YOU? Can you reach out and welcome that YOU that resides at the core of your being? Can you feel that power of that YOU? Yes, feel it now! Can you sense the overwhelming capacity of that YOU to love? Can you feel the peace of that YOU? Can that YOU express to you his/her fearlessness? His/her power? His/her everlastingness?
I want that for you! I want that for me! I want everyone who reads my material, who talks to me, who intersects my life to feel IT, to know IT, to embrace IT.
Can you know YOU this day? Can you give thanks for YOU today?
Have no fear, you are on the way. Infidelity and the challenges of life awaken the YOU in you and you come to know how badly you want YOU.
Thanksgiving peace!
for second chances…for knowing that all of this shall pass…for amazing people that have reached out…for the new me…and for understanding that bad mistakes can be forgiven…for all of this, I am so grateful.
Happy Thanksgiving!
For everyone going through the throes of unbelievable pain and loneliness, please know that it does get better. It may not feel like it now, this minute, but it does. When you are at your lowest, reach out to help someone else- today and any day. I promise, it WILL make you feel better. It helped me to get outside of myself and away from the pain. I wish you all peace of heart this Thanksgiving.
Just wanted to respond to the blog. Yes, thru the most intense pain we will become stronger and healthier people. It will teach us valuable lessons about ourselves and others.
As a newly divorced older woman without children , I find that reaching out to others with kindness and caring is a wonderful way to connect with those feelings of gratitude and happiness. Today I’m cooking for others, and am planning to spend Christmas working at a local food bank and homeless shelter.
Thank you Dr. Bob for the words of wisdom you offer to everyone seeking solace. Your advice has been helpful!
I have never forgotten how to give love the more I am abused and betrayed the more love I want to give to others. LOVE is a powerful and special gift, never give up chasing your dreams.
Sue
I didn’t think we’d still be together by today. I found out on September 3. All those fears listed in the above article are very real for me. We both have the potential to “walk” any day. Our adult sons, who still live with us, don’t know a thing about this. It’s amazing how on-the-edge we are, and we’re pretending all is fine. Today we’re just going to have a Thanksgiving of sorts. I think I am the only miserable one in this family.
Thanks Dr. Bob. You rock!! This is the first Thanksgiving without my soon to be EX. Advice such as yours, helps us get through some of these tough times. Keep up the faith and kind words!!
what a tuff day. first one without him.
all the memories of the way it was and all the memories of how it should be.
I watch my complex ,large extended family all bustling around and I see he is missing. I feel the loss, the difference and the absolute emptiness. Everyone has their someone, their other half. I have my children, but I feel their loss too. Its not right, we were to grow old together.I remember every thanksgiving morning we would lie in bed , for the past 17 years and ask what are you thankful for? it was always for our health and each other, then the kids would bound on our bed and we would ask the same. we would listen to alices restaurant, and be so in sync with packing up to go visit family. Now I am alone, 2 kids, off to family and trying to create new memories. Its sad, all the loss all the change, all the emptiness. seems noone else misses him but me. noone understands. when you loose someone you never think of all the bad times, you just miss what was good.
Hi everyone, it’s amazing to see other people here but somehow the knowledge makes me feel a little less like I’m the only one going through a horror at this wonderous time of year. I am sorry though that each of you are suffering. My heart goes out to you all. I am doing my best to stop mourning the “could-have-beens” and celebrate what “is.” I still have wonderful family whom I love, I have two amazing children that my life revolves around. I have many things to be thankful for. So I guess in a way today (Thanksgiving Day) was a great day to stop and take stock of what I’ve got to be happy about. It took my focus off the darker side. That has to be a good thing — and certainly if I can do it today, I can do it any day I choose. I wish everyone here wellness and peace.
Although I am not celebrating Thanksgiving – because I am not American. I just want to say thanks Bob for your words of being grateful. Everyday I find now my meditations and my connection with spirit getting stronger without him. Still of course the lonilyess is there but I KNOW I will rise above it all and time is the healer. Your sight and chat room are wonderful places to get hope from. You are doing an amazing work for many people. I am grateful to you for being there – for so many of us – out here.
Happy Thanksgiving Bob and other Americans.
Dr. Bob,
I discovered my husband’s infidelity in the summer of 2006. We have struggled, really, it is only I that has struggled through all the ups and downs of trying to recover. Unfortunately, there has been no recovery because he continues contact with the op, continued to sneak around and has done nothing to repair our relationship. He does not beleive he’s done anything wrong and refuses to admit the damage he’s done and continues to do and will not get help.
Along with seeking therapy, your e-books, newsletters and blogs have kept me sane. It took a while for me to understand the charging neutral concept. Actually, it has taken on different forms at different times. BTW, Charging neutral is also a very good way to deal with a boss who uses passive/aggressive behavior as his management style! Charging neutral has allowed me to see that this marriage can not be saved and my only choice is to get out. By keeping the emotion in check, as best as I can, because it is still very painful, I can function while I go through this. I have been able to take care of myself and to systematically create a plan that will help me get out of life what I want. That is a first. I have always tried to please everybody else and tried to mold and bend to their needs while ignoring my own.
This holiday season will be our last one together. It kills me. Our kids don’t know anything yet because we can pretend so well. Your note yesterday said everything that I am feeling…the fear of loss, yet the discovery of a new ME through all of this. Your newsletters and advice along with the comments of others going through the same thing have given me validation in some cases and new ideas and things to think about. It is a horrible experience that sadly affects too many of us.
I am planning to give the divorce papers to my husband next week. I don’t want a divorce but I can not live like this anymore. Thank you for your note of encouragement, I really need it.
We’re still together, I don’t know for how long. Today I’m thankful that we were able to spend Thanksgiving as a family, it was a nice day and maybe we’ll get thru the rest of the year like this. After I graduate in January and am able to go out and find a job then maybe I can make some decisions as to what the future will bring. Until then, we are talking and realizing what we both want and what we’re capable of giving to our relationship. It will take some time, so keep sending your emails, they really help keep me focused on me and what I need to do to make me happy. We all deserve to be happy! Change is frightening, but it can be good for everyone involved!
I’ve been reading ebeyone’s posts…I left mine early this morning. To those of you struggling, best wishes for a speedy reocvery. And to those of us that are trying to work things out andd get through the mess, know that after 6 months have passed, I can say that it does get better. Reading the emails and the notes from the doc really have helped me to refocus on what I want.
We’re working to try and make it work. He’s sorry and I at this moment am forgiving. I pray that the next 6 months and a lifetime after that will be good.
I feel like I am stuck in cement, I can’t see past the curent second of time I am in. Minutes, hours, days way too far down the road to think about. Feel numb , it’s going on 8 months now and it just keeps getting worse. My “joy” is that I have raised two amazing children, but this will affect them for the rest of their lives. “This to shall pass” but what will be left to even care.
Marianne…don’t give up hope. If there is even an incling of love, work to find it again. 6 months for me and the good days are outweighing the bad ones.
Thanksgiving was very hard for me. I found out about the affair the day before April fool’s day.Ouch! It has taken this long to be able to say this. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday because it’s not about gifts or getting but being thankful for what we have. It hurts me that they were having an affair during that time through March. While I was thankful for family he was thanking God for her. How painful is that. That she was above God and his promise to me. That he could tell me he loved me everyday and look in his children’s faces and not care what this would do to us. It stills hurts and it’s been a year. I can’t decide what to do it hurts so bad I still cry almost everynight in my pillow.