Archives for September 2008

What One Tolerates in Infidelity and Extramarital Affairs

September 30, 2008 by 4 Comments

What do people tolerate in affairs. Here’s response to my question:

What are the 5 top things you presently are tolerating or putting up with as you face infidelity?

1. Multiple daily text messages back and forth between my wife and OP. 2. Occasional long phone calls from my wife to the OP on her cell phone. 3. Wife trip to California to see OP (old boyfriend from 30 years ago), (we live in Rocky Mountain West).
4. Anger directed at me for not being as sensitive and emotionally supportive to my wife as OP, and no matter what I do, it is not enough. 5. Not connecting much with my wife because she is getting so much more emotional support from the OP.

1. living apart from my spouse as he is trying to figure things out, seeing the other woman, I’m dealing with contact from him and the promise, of “maybe, down the road” we can be together again…..kind of like Chinese Water Torture.
2. I have contact (phone calls, emails – we are living in separate cities) with him daily, unless, he is with her – she doesn’t know he still is in contact with me, so, I’m not allowed to contact him on these “weekends” unless its an emergency
3. I’m still in disbelief that this has actually happened, things in our marriage “seemed” to be great, plans were made….I can’t fall out of love with him, even though I think I should (and so does everyone else)
4. When we were living together, he would excuse himself and call “her”. The time he is with “her”, he doesn’t maintain contact with me, but he “has” to take her never-ending phone calls
5. I seem to be in this “limbo” stage, my heart will not let me move on, but my “mind” is telling me to move on.

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: , ,

Infidelity confrontation: Calm and Centered

September 29, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Charging neutral, or being calm and centered when one confronts the other person is a wonderful gift. Read.. and leave comments below…

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I was in a position where I would be meeting her -my husband and I went to a function required for his job. At this point the affair had ended. I approached her and asked her if she would like to talk for a few minutes. She said yes, and we arranged to meet outside at a set time. She began the conversation by apologizing for any pain that she caused. She said that wasn’t her intention; she got “attached” to my husband and still had feelings for him. I did not response. I said very little. I went into this feeling calm and centered, and I believe this is KEY to “confronting”. It was essential to me that I keep my integrity, not divulge information about myself or my relationship with my husband. I would not have initiated this meeting if I had been feeling emotionally charged, angry, or “out of control” in any way. I feel I would have been empowering her/them if I had not been completely in control of myself. I said that I wished for someone available to come into her life, that my husband and I were committed to our marriage and our family. And that was all. I was not cold, just neutral.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

We both expressed to each other that we were glad to have had this short conversation. I came away feeling “done”; like I had done my part and had some closure.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Overall I am satisfied. More than learned, I got an opportunity to get a feel for who she is, and that was important to me.

Coach’s Comments:

She calls it feeling calm and centered. In my E-book, Break Free From the Affair, I call it charging neutral. It is a wonderful and POWERFUL place to be. And, it is highly effective in getting the exact outcome you want.

Part of confronting the other person involves boundaries. What am I going to share? What will I refuse to share? How much information needs to be passed back and forth. Setting in your mind, beforehand, what the boundaries will be, generates a feeling of being in “integrity.”

Confronting the other person brought closure – the feeling of being “done.” Often we need and must close this chapter, as best as we can at the moment, and open a new one.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , ,

Infidelity and Fatal Attraction Played Out

September 27, 2008 by Leave a Comment

In this scenario of Confronting the Other Person, the confronting spouse runs into a disturbed person.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My original purpose for confronting the other person was selfish. I honestly could not believe my husband had an affair.. He admitted to one. In the beginning I felt this was a sick joke both parties were playing on me. Friends of my husband knew more specifics than me and couldn’t believe I wasn’t reacting. When they finally shared some things.. I was slammed with the realization my husband had an affair. This it the start of fatal attraction the movie in my life. I called her and she was sweet as gold… she had the most even toned voice, not at all upset… unlike me… willing to talk endlessly. Even asked me to call her anytime if I need to talk to her. I introduced myself on the phone and asked her if she had an affair with my husband. She admitted yes…. stated her husband was seated beside her at that moment and was aware of everything. She supposedly apologized, but I was so charged I don’t recall it.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Outcome… horrible. To further explain, this woman has been with many of her coworkers… 10 as a matter of fact. She was followed by a private investigator who made videos of her with each of them. This information was turned over to me after she was caught in bed with another man. The story went around their workplace like wildfire and the DVD, pictures landed in my car along with video of my own husband and her. This was after I had found out about the affair. In effect, she felt stalked. I did not share the information left in my car.. however, someone else notified the husband that I had this information. It became a threatening issue of him wanting to know who was in the tapes, DVD, pictures, etc. I hadn’t even told him that I had them, but he knew. The outcome was he became threatening more so to me than even my husband! I blocked his emails at work and home… and he finally just went away. It seems a dead issue.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Admittedly, I should have been able to trust my husband that he was having an affair since he admitted to it… how crazy is it that I was still in denial? I’ve learned a great deal about how the other party doesn’t tell truths to her own spouse. He may consider it total truth… but in actuality there is never ever going to be full fledged honesty in an affair. She covered up facts to make herself look better? or him worse? If I had it to do all over again…. I would never ever have responded to his beginning email to let me know if my husband didn’t tell me everything that he would. No matter how burning the need for knowledge… it’s not worth it. Everything that evolved was less than the truth… full of hatred and despise. And nothing that was ever said from the other person or her spouse was helpful towards me in ANY way.

Coach’s Comments:

Here’s the risk: When confronting the other person, you are not sure what you will encounter. You may guess, considering the character and history of your spouse, but that also, is no guarantee you can accurately predict what you will find.

Be aware that confronting the other person may find you embroiled in another person’s (couple’s) sickness. Their sickness may taint your life and leave you with scars. After all, infidelity is a fairly dysfunctional, sick act. It represents much that is not healthy.

If you choose to confront, you stand the risk of becoming part of that sickness, unless you are capable of setting firm boundaries, holding your self and have the capacity to be nonreactive to the situation.

This scenario is especially likely to happen in the “I Don’t Want to Say No” affair or the “I Want to Get Back at Him/Her affair (where rage is the core element.) Stay miles away if you suspect either of these affairs are being played out.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: ,
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