Archives for July 2008

The Marital Affair: Narcissists, Lying and Confusion

July 19, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Readers of my e-book “Break Free From the Affair” are asked if they have any questions after reading the e-book.

I respond briefly to some of their questions:

1. How about narcissists – in which kind of the affair would you put them?

The true narcissist often resides in affair #2: “I don’t want to say no.” There is a strong sense of entitlement, “I deserve this because I’m so special. Almost…s/he should want to adore me because of how wonderful I am.” Others exist to serve him/her.

Affair#3: “I can’t say no” may seem narcissistic because of the self-absorption, but the self orientation is around the object of addiction, not self.

2. Lying , is it part of No. 7 affair?

Lying is part of #7. It’s also part of Affairs #1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6. In other words, lying, deception, holding secrets, withholding information, half-truths are endemic to infidelity. Lying makes infidelity infidelity. The utter pain and confusion comes primarily from not knowing the truth (and out of that believing, somehow, that there is something defective about you – since you were not able to read the signals or were so out of touch.) Gets rather dicey.

3. Marriage is complex relationship between two adults. My husband fits in the characteristic of 2-3 pattern that you describe. What are the solutions?

There is often overlap. Actually that may be a good sign. The more the overlap, the more confusion exists. Confusion can be good. Confusion often means one is on the edge of discovery of something new… the next step in one’s growth and evolution. There is flexibility, there is possibility for change. One is not locked into the destructive behavior. Is this confusing??? :)

Some comments from readers about “Break Free From the Affair:”

the book is fantastic, straight forward, I wish I would have it 21 months ago when I discovered the affair. I think, I made many mistakes, some perhaps irreparable, but because of the book and because I am getting your E-mails (your interest) I decided to restart everything and even so that I don’t have much hope, I will persevere. With your help, I think I will break free from the affair – one way or other. The book gave me hope. Thank you Dr. Huizenga.

I’ve a better understanding the underlying problem of my marriage and the affair pattern. This helps me to make a critical decision…do I want to stay in marriage or move forward by myself…It helps me to think more clearly…The situation was not helped much, because I am reading it now, and have not apply the skills that the book taught to handle the problem.

I understand the type of affair that my wife is having (I Fell Out of Love and Love Being In-Love)and I am currently applying the skills l learned in the book that WILL help me to Break Free! One of the most important is: “Back-Off.” Most of the questions I had on “What can I do?” or “What did I do?” were answered!Thank you! This should be on hard cover in every book store in the US. I spent the first 2 months looking for resources and asking friends for advise then, typed “I don’t Love You Any More” into Google and discovered: “How to Save Your Marriage” which led me to “Break Free”!

Filed Under: Infidelity Testimonials Tagged With: , , , , ,

Infidelity: How Children Know

July 18, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Does how you learn about your family member’s infidelity really matter? – it depends…

Researchers have found important links between the way you discover the information of your partner’s infidelity and relational outcomes – but these same findings are not consistent for a child’s discovery of his or her parent’s infidelity. In my study on children’s discovery methods, I found that children often learned the information of their parent’s infidelity in one of five ways:

• From the parent who engaged in infidelity,
• From a family member (i.e., not the parent who engaged in infidelity),
• From a third party (i.e., a non-family member),
• Explicitly (i.e., During a one-time event in which the child found or overheard something they were not supposed to find or hear that let them know, without a doubt, that infidelity was occurring or had occurred), or
•Incrementally (They had an intuition or suspicion and saw or heard information over a long period of time which they were not intended to hear or see that led them to know this occurred).

When comparing each group of individuals to each other (discovery from the parent vs. incrementally, as so on…) no broad trends emerged. Otherwise said, there was not one group which reported significantly higher levels of satisfaction with their parent than another.

So, how can you use this information?

1) If you have not discussed your infidelity or your partner’s infidelity with your child, do not assume that they are unaware that these events occurred. Children often know much more about their parents’ relationship than for which they are given credit.
2) If you choose not to bring up this topic with your child, be prepared for them to come to you and ask questions. Although this conversation may never take place, you should think about what you are going to say beforehand.

This information was contributed by Allison R. Thorson. For more information, feel free to contact her at athorson@bigred.unl.edu

Thorson, A. R. (2008, November). The Influence of Discovery Method on Relational Outcomes: A Study of Parental Infidelity. Top student paper to be presented to the Interpersonal Communication Division at the annual meeting of the National Communication Association, San Diego, CA.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Infidelity Discovered: Death without Dying – Part 6

July 17, 2008 by Leave a Comment

This is part 6 “Death without Dying.”

It summarizes the feelings and anguish of my good friend who came home from a business trip and was greeted at the door by his wife who said, “I’ve found someone else. I’m leaving.”

Here are more of his thoughts:

Can I ever feel gratitude for the thirty-three years? Or will I resent staying when the going was crazy, the behaviors wrong? Will I ever be grateful to myself for sticking with it for the sake of the girls, when now the bonds get reordered? We were not the perfect couple. I was not always happy. I suffered. I gave up opportunity. I experienced loss of much of my youth to assure that our imperfections would not permanently infect my kids. I didn’t always handle it the right way and acted out my unhappiness and punishments quietly, internally and externally. But never overtly. Perhaps that was wrong. As wrong as thinking you can change another person or their behavior. I can and do celebrate the team that was though. The end result of the daughters she raised. The business partnership that brought me much career success and adulation. The uncomplaining acceptance and accomplished performance of so many of the tasks that I didn’t like doing. She did good.

It’s in there somewhere. And it scares the hell out of me. It’s got to show its ugly face. And I want to be ready for it. Cause I know that I’m angry. I’m mad as hell. I’m genuinely pissed off. She has hurt me inappropriately, acted irrationally, disregarded my feelings and my values, has not acknowledged my love and devotion, has hurt my children and will hurt my mother, sisters and my few friends. How can that anger be directed to healing, to repair, to protection of the totally unknown future? Will I be ready when it strikes and be able to channel the anger productively, begin the process of forgiveness? I’m still in shock. But I know this train is coming. I just don’t know when it’s pulling into the station. And if it carries a bomb?My anger is not pretty. It’s a beach ball held under water that slips away, explodes through the surface, often surprising not only those around me, but taking me by surprise as well. What needs to happen for me to find peace?

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , , ,
« Previous Page
Next Page »