Does how you learn about your family member’s infidelity really matter? – it depends…
Researchers have found important links between the way you discover the information of your partner’s infidelity and relational outcomes – but these same findings are not consistent for a child’s discovery of his or her parent’s infidelity. In my study on children’s discovery methods, I found that children often learned the information of their parent’s infidelity in one of five ways:
• From the parent who engaged in infidelity,
• From a family member (i.e., not the parent who engaged in infidelity),
• From a third party (i.e., a non-family member),
• Explicitly (i.e., During a one-time event in which the child found or overheard something they were not supposed to find or hear that let them know, without a doubt, that infidelity was occurring or had occurred), or
•Incrementally (They had an intuition or suspicion and saw or heard information over a long period of time which they were not intended to hear or see that led them to know this occurred).
When comparing each group of individuals to each other (discovery from the parent vs. incrementally, as so on…) no broad trends emerged. Otherwise said, there was not one group which reported significantly higher levels of satisfaction with their parent than another.
So, how can you use this information?
1) If you have not discussed your infidelity or your partner’s infidelity with your child, do not assume that they are unaware that these events occurred. Children often know much more about their parents’ relationship than for which they are given credit.
2) If you choose not to bring up this topic with your child, be prepared for them to come to you and ask questions. Although this conversation may never take place, you should think about what you are going to say beforehand.
This information was contributed by Allison R. Thorson. For more information, feel free to contact her at athorson@bigred.unl.edu
Thorson, A. R. (2008, November). The Influence of Discovery Method on Relational Outcomes: A Study of Parental Infidelity. Top student paper to be presented to the Interpersonal Communication Division at the annual meeting of the National Communication Association, San Diego, CA.