This husband’s wife reconnected with an old boyfriend (someone she was engaged to) after 20 + years of marriage.
You can find his first letter here.
Please leave your comments, questions, insights and concerns below. Remember, we are hear to learn not to be dogmatic. BTW, for those of you who have read Break Free From the Affair, which of the 7 types of affairs do you suppose this is?
Second email:
Hi (OP’s name) ….hope you are well.
It has been almost 4 months since I last communicated with you. However, as a husband, father, and man….I am touching base with you one more time in order to clarify my thoughts, requests and intentions.
I am asking that you keep this between you and me.
As you know (wife’s name) and I have challenges which we are still working through. However, they were complicated by her reconnection with you. The original communications between you and (wife’s name)…even you would have to admit that 37 hours of phone calls, 2200 text messages (30 – 40 a day?), and numerous other emails, etc. in a 9 week time period was more than excessive. If you don’t believe my stats, let me know, I can send you the phone records. I don’t know how (op’s wife’s name) your wife would feel about that, but from any vantage point it was not even close to appropriate. If you think that your connection with (wife’s name) was “just friendsâ€, feel free to Google the term Emotional Affair or Emotional Infidelity for an eye opening experience.
The bottom line…..I am asking you to please do yourself justice and focus on YOUR relationship with YOUR wife and children without involving my wife and family any further. Your personal problems with your job and wife should be dealt with by you and you alone. “Forever and Always†needs to stay in the past….not further tag lines on emails to my wife. Sure….I get it….fond memories of an old flame are normal….but they need to stay in the past as memories. You “let her go” once before and I’m sure that you can do it again.
(OP’s name)… my hope is that you respectfully decline or at the very least severely limit any future communications or pre-planned and “accidental†meetings with my wife. You can do it in a kind, compassionate, yet respectful manner. Keeping things professional and above board. But…further contact with (wife’s name), the sharing of intimate relationship details/problems, and other interactions is not healthy for ANY of us. Focus on your family and their future….they need you now more than ever and I will focus on mine. I respectfully advise you to do this in the hope that (wife’s name) and I can regain trust in one another and recover what any dignity is left in our marriage. I do not know your current relationship with (op’s wife’s name)….but I cannot believe she would not be hurt, upset, and betrayed by your actions, conversations, and involvement with my wife.
This should not be some sort of Romeo and Juliet situation with the allure of forbidden contact. We are not teenagers or college students…..this is real life and the decisions we make….actions we take ….all affect our families and children. It is not a harmless game.
Please take the high road on this.
I ask again that you respect my position on keeping this between us and I will respect the same position with you.
I wish you well with your life. Should you want to respond I will be receptive.
Thank you.
(husband’s name)
P.S. I asked my reader, the wounded husband, to fill me in on what happens. Might be interesting!
Good for this person for expressing himself. My thought is that if the OP continued to see this man’s wife even after the first letter, the OP isn’t going to change his behavior because of this letter.
It seems like a ‘marriage made me do it’ affair . Often people will return to the past and familiar things and people when the going gets a bit tough or they are seeking something missing tempory in their marriage .It is easy to pick up with someone they know already and have been attracted to in the past and if the O.P. is receptive then Hey! anything can happen .Unfortunately the way the wife and O.P.have behaved they MUST have no contact whatsoever, they have broken the boundaries of trust and fidelity . The husband is trying to be reasonable but he needs to know the full truth and then he knows what he is up against. Much work , much angst , but it can be done. I know because I was in a similar situation as the husband , but the affair was much longer than 9 weeks . Good Luck to the husband and his family . The truth will be the answer as to how he handles this .
The wife has to decide to end contact with the OP. Appealing to the OP is a last effort as the OP has no personal investment in the husband or their family so why should the OP listen to the husband? I have learned the hard way that the OP is only interested in him or herself. If the OP had any sense of family the OP wouldn’t have been involved in the affair to start or would have stopped already.
i agree with Helen.In my situation it was a “my marriage made me do it” affair the O.P confronted me and told me she loved my ex husband and would do all in her power to make him stay with her regardless of the fact that she was also cheating on her boyfriend with my husband,they are still working for the same company are engaged and she is pregnant.Like Rebecca i have also learned the hard way that the OP is only interested in herself.i have heard that their relationship is not rosy but both are willing to make it work so as to prove to everyone that knows them that what they did was write.Confronting me helped the OP gain more power. I am moving thanks to the help of Dr. Bobs e books i have found relief from the pain of infidelity.
I truly believe one(if possible) break all communication with the OP. In our case something needed to be done constructively. After two years I went to the OP and let her know my husband had an affair possibly with her. After all my husband lied over and over to me. Shortly after that my husband wrote a letter to OP. He wrote her “We committed adultery together. This was wrong and a sin. My relationship with my wife has been seriously damaged because of this. I no longer want any contact with you.” It was short. He took me with him to send the letter. The OP in turn called the police on my husband for harrassment and the police woman warned him not to go near the OP. How ironic!
This affair was four years ago. Two years ago he had not told a very good (religious friend) that he had committed the adultery when asked. I found this out recently from him. My husband made me look like the liar that he was and maybe still is. This religious man said now you both are back to square one. And how true that is. This is not the easiest thing to forget yet I live on. Guess what I now hear: how he felt about her, what he liked and said to her. Oh how he wants me to be punished for his sin. I truly hear how this wounded husband would like all to be sincere and be listened to. Both OP and mate lie over and over. The adultery to them although real at the time later becomes one big lie.
I sent the OP an email when I found out about the affair and she sent my husband a burner … he had told her ” my marriage is over ” hmmm I sent her another a few days later and she responded to us both so that all 3 of us knew where we stood …. but she thought she would believe him.. .I acted on Bob’s advice and worked on me and over the summer he came home several times and told me it was over between them. He does however work away and she works for his boss so gets the chance to see him more than i at the moment…. am torn between believing him or just checking in with her to check that he is not continuing his lies to both of us… will see how the next few days goes
My wife had an affair for 12 years. Once everything was out in the open, the next logical step was a 100% commitment from her to never have any type of contact with him again…ever. This is the only way it could work for me.
I don’t understand the mindset of slowly breaking off communication. Unacceptable. A good relationship is built on trust. I have read even from “adultery counselors”, advice about how to patiently wait for the one who cheated and the other partner to gradually disconnect. Hogwash. Sorry.
If my wife was in a job that put her in the same environment with the other guy on a regular basis, she would quit the job or I would move out. No compromise. I don’t understand how anything less than total commitment to breaking off contact of any kind could lead to a healthy situation.