When confronting the other person always keep in the front of your mind the triangle – you, your spouse and the other person. You are not merely confronting the other person; you are confronting the dynamics of the triangle.
Confronting the other person brings the affair front and center. No more hiding – the fact of the affair, at least.
However, confronting may not change the dynamics of the triangle. Over time, the dynamics of the triangle may stabilize and the three parties live with an “unspoken agreement” to co-exist due to a variety of personal needs, as in the case study below.
In the case study, the responsibility for telling the other person to “back off” lies with the husband. He refuses.
In refusing, he either ignores the needs and pain of his spouse or he rides roughshod over them with perhaps passive aggressive behavior.
A strategy for this wounded wife to become “unstuck” is to mercilessly and relentlessly confront her husband with her pain, her personal needs, and her definition of emotional entanglement, as well as elicit from him his personal needs in regards to the third party.
The wounded spouse does this, of course, by charging neutral.
Case Study:
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
To tell her to back off. My husband and I wanted to sort out our marriage, but with them still being partners together she was with him all the time, and she kept discussing all her personal issues with him which I wanted her to stop.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
She first said she would back off as she did not want to be the cause of a marriage breakup, and that if my husband left me then it would be because he wanted to and there was nothing left to work on and not because of her. But as time went by she still talks to him about all her problems in life and even though its nearly two yrs down the line and the affair is over they still have a very emotional connection that I cannot get my husband to understand cannot be. But she also does not stop.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
I don’t know how i would do it differently, but yes I would do it again, as every now and then I still mail her and say she is going too far, but she now just ignores me and does what she wants, and they still work together every day. What did I learn – that is does help to get nasty with the other person no matter what anyone tells you and it still gives me joy when I contact her that at least she knows my husband is telling me what she tells him, and that now matter what she will not stop telling my hubby all her personal issues and my hubby does not tell her either to stop talking about it, so I either have to live with it or give up 24yrs of marraige.