Hear from Donna Barnes, life and relationship coach, on how to know if your wife is cheating. She gives advice on what clues and signs you should watch for if you suspect your wife is cheating.
9 Signs of Infidelity and an Extramarital Affair
November 29, 2008 by Leave a Comment
I asked my readers when they first began to suspect infidelity or an extramarital affair. Here are 9 responses to first discerning the signs of infidelity:
1. Said she loved me but was not in love with me!
2. I first noticed signs when my oldest child, a son was about to graduate from high school. He became more aloof towards me, began losing weight, wearing cologne to work, passwording his e-mail and telephone, etc…classic symptoms that I tried to pass off as empty nest signs.
3. The 60 minute appointment (masseuse) once a week became twice weekly ritual. Phone records showed he was calling her obsessively. Caller ID showed me she was calling him but she’d hang up when I answered. Friends reported him helping her at her shop (hanging pictures, assembling furniture)…trust me, he isn’t handy at home
4. Aloofness when at home. Distant. Stopped having sex with me. Lying about where he was or was going or just leaving without saying anything.
5. He became cold, hostile, argumentative, picked fights,was on his computer late at night, accused me of spying on him. Annoyed if I tried to have a conversation. Told me not to ask him any questions. Just before I found out, he said he didn’t want sex anymore unless I would do certain things he wanted that he knew I found offensive.
6. his appearance and staying late at work
7. regular going out, irritability
8. He was still coming home from work (he owns the business) at his “normal” time – always “works” late – but smelled of booze- was sometimes to the point of being glassy eyed and wobbly – had a smug look on his face – like he was proud of himself for blatantly disrespecting my wishes – I had agreed to marry him only after several years of him not drinking (he frequently drank to excess when we were first dating). I looked in his day timer and found notes that he was keeping about how he went back to the bar every day for several days – just in case she was working – and then about his daily meetings with this waitress.
9. 3 months after it started. Talking on the phone alot (CELL). Then caught in the motel by her husband.
Does how you learn about your partner’s infidelity really matter?
July 14, 2008 by Leave a Comment
Researchers Afifi, Falato, and Weiner (2001) argue that the degree to which the knowledge about your partner’s infidelity is public and the degree to which your partner is able to make an immediate response are influential in shaping relationship outcomes. As such, listed from most threatening to least threatening, the following discovery methods are been identified:
• solicited third party discovery (i.e., you ask a neighbor and they confirm your suspicions),
• catching your partner ‘red handed’ (i.e., you walk in on your partner in the act),
• solicited discovery from your partner (i.e., you ask your partner and they confirm “yes, I have been with someone elseâ€), and
• unsolicited discovery from a partner (i.e., without asking, your partner comes to you and says “I have to tell you somethingâ€)
What was found was that there are important links between the way you discover the information of your partner’s infidelity and relational outcomes. Specifically, the more threatening your discovery, the more negative your change in relationship quality, the more likely the relationship will deteriorate, and the harder it will be for you to forgive your partner.
So, how can you use this information?
1) When talking to your partner about your feelings concerning his or her affair, talk about your need to keep this a private matter in order to protect your public identity.
2) If you are the individual who engaged in the affair, keep in mind the “face saving†needs your partner may have and acknowledge that the way they discovered this information may have caused them both personal distress as well as public embarrassment.
Although these findings are broad, they stress the importance of the communication both prior to and after the discovery of these events.
Afifi, W. A., Falato, W. L., & Weiner, J. L. (2001). Identity concerns following a severe relational transgression: The role of discovery method for the relational outcomes of infidelity. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 18, 291-308.
This information was contributed by Allison R. Thorson ([email protected])