The Powerful Impact of Infidelity

February 22, 2009 by Leave a Comment

If you just discovered your spouse is cheating and having an affair, feel totally devastated, yet think you shouldn’t feel that way… think again.

Read these comments from folks struggling with the impact of infidelity:

1. List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU? For example, how has is changed what you think about? how you spend your time? how you think of yourself? etc? Tell a story or give examples of how your life is now different.

1- His infidelity made me feel worthless, as if every thing we have done together toward the relationship, was not enough for him (maybe it wasn’t) but why to lie and act as if everything was okey? 2- In a matter of minutes I went from happy, confident, smart, funny, and patient to anxious, stupid, retarded, and sad. I lost my self-esteem and desire to have a career, nice house, anything with him. I’m so anxious around him that I can barely drive, or talk and understand (I’m a Spanish speaker, his American) 3- I didn’t have any reason to go to work, gym, shopping, party, or just talk to people. I was afraid someone could know and ask me about it. I lost my pride. 4- I normally receive lots of compliments, from friends, customers, and strangers! but I only receive critics from him. I never look perfect for him, he always find something wrong, and that makes me insecure because I have to think about how to please him and myself at the same time.

Infidelity has changed the way my husband thinks about us. He is staying with me out of obligation. Therefore I think a lot about my value as a marriage partner, and what I could give to someone who truly wants me in his life. I would be a gold mine for someone who would appreciate me. The affair has changed him as a person. He seems to get so little joy in anything and has become very self-absorbed…therefore he is unable and lacks desire to give me what I need in marriage. I am the one doing all the trying. Therefore I think again about options for me. His affair has left me untrusting. This is his 3rd affair, and makes me question why I would stay with someone like this. He is a good man and a good provider. We have been married 39 years, have a great family and some great memories. We have been commuting between DC and AZ for several years due to job situations. We built a new home in the DC 1 1/2 years ago, and I was to move here in that time. Things had been great until a year ago when his affair changed all that. (He has no idea how the affair happened, but refuses to understand the whys and hows of it.) I have had great therapy through all this turmoil. After much thought, I recently gave up my home and my job in AZ to come to DC where he has been living so as to try to put this marriage back together again. It is a work in progress. I spend my time doing things in the home and I am a physical fitness buff…so my days are easily filled with meaningful things. I am a people pleaser and have a lot of friends. But I do miss work. My life where it was once very secure, is now filled with questions and doubt. I am a spiritual person and I know I was led to come here to try to save my marriage. In the event this does not work out, I want to feel comfortable in the knowledge I did everything I could to preserve what we had before I toss away 39 years. I am an extremely competent, attractive and full of life. If I had to I know I would make it on my own. But my life is definitely different and somewhat uncertain. At a time when we should be contemplating retirement and enjoying our 3 beautiful grandchildren….life is now one big question mark for me. Thank you

Filed Under: Infidelity Impact Tagged With: , ,

Marital Infidelity and It’s Pain: You are not Alone

October 22, 2008 by 1 Comment

I hear over and over again of the pain one slams into when confronted with infidelity.

And, if that isn’t enough, most think either in the front of their mind or in the back, that something is wrong with them. They shouldn’t be feeling the agony they feel.

If you feel the pain and struggle with your mind, you are not alone.

Listen to these case studies as two people respond to my question:

1. List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU? For example, how has is changed what you think about? how you spend your time? how you think of yourself? etc? Tell a story or give examples of how your life is now different.

1 – Think about it all the time. Hard time thinking about ANYTHING else
2 – Go from sad and crying to mean and mad several times per day
3 – Think of ways to keep busy so I won’t have to think about IT
4 – Hard time trying to stay happy about life
5 – Want to know what will happen NOW, don’t want to wait – impatient

I am hurt, lonely, devastated, stressed, insecure, self esteem is shot and nervous about everything in my life. I have lost so much weight, my hair fell out at a rate of unbelief but I feel great and look wonderful but my mind goes 24/7 and I feel out of control with thoughts about what he said to me. “I like her and she likes me and it’s all about the sex but I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you”, he lies and cheats and I am in a box. What kind of sex is he having I ask myself since he said our sex life was great, I just do not understand and never will. I cannot afford to leave at this time and I do nothing but cook for myself clean house and do the yard work. I don’t mind but I miss the conversation, sharing, intimacy and fun we use to have and it’s hard to start over at 59 I am out of the game so to speak he is 52 and his new mate is 30 and understands him and he can talk to her, he broke the bond and everything in his life changed including him, the way he talks to me is just awful. I get no pleasure out of looking at him as I see a different person and not the man I fell in love with he is angry, hateful, rude and uncaring about everything and he does not like himself and feels no remorse or guilt and that is hard to swallow for me. I am bored out of my mind I do not have allot of friends and my family is so far away and I just feel lost without him as I always felt in my heart he was my one and only life time partner. I will get through this and be on my way as soon as the property sells and I will start fresh and have a great life that I deserve and maybe even someone to share it with. I am not a needy person just sad about the whole thing. My heart is just broke and I feel cheated of 18 years of my life!!!! Thanks for listening.

Sometimes it’s helpful to talk it through in a supportive affirming environment. Check out infidelity coaching.

Filed Under: Infidelity Coaching Tagged With: , ,

Confronting the Other Person – can’t stand the pain

August 11, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Confronting the other person often carries with it powerful images, feelings and emotions. Hear her story:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I wanted to meet her, to see what this person looked and acted like who my husband was so in love with. Not having a face to go with her name was very frustrating for me. I also wanted to tell her in person that my children knew about her and how hurt they all were and she should exit our lives asap. This was after calling her a couple of times and emailing her maybe 3 times over the course of months, Nothing changed. I got word that she was flying into the country and wanted to plan to meet my husband. I took this opportunity to go to the airport and confront her.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I talked my way through security and went to her boarding gate where I had her paged. I know! Sounds crazy. She thought it was my husband and was horrified to see me. I said hello- I thought it was time we had a little chat. She wouldn’t say anything but “Talk to your husband, it’s a two way street.” I got so frustrated that I embarrassed her in front of her fellow passengers by saying some choice words. She ran away, I left. I then warned those two that if it didn’t end I would call her place of business and tell them about her, which I eventually did. Only because he wouldn’t get out and kept promising it was over. It never was.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Although my husband called me evil for doing all that, I would do it again. Now, I don’t care but at the time I was so embroiled in the pain and jealousy that I had to act. This was only after being patient for months and trying to understand. But when two people have this secret life, I felt so alone and excluded. I was obsessed! Although I tried not to be.. The most difficult thing I ever went through. I eventually filed for divorce. He is no longer with her but I know he still loves her. She thinks I nearly ruined her life and will have nothing to do with him because who knows what I am capable of. So maybe it worked. I know she is a sweet person but 20 years younger than my husband, we have 5 children and I thought it was so wrong of her to get involved-it broke up my family. Of course, I know it is really him who should get the blame. Me, too, to some degree. But that is another story.

Coach’s comment:

This story strikes me as sad. Very sad. It is an awful feeling to stuff, hold inside, wait, think, ruminate until you get to the point where you sense the explosion coming.

Life seems very restricted, feeling there are only two options; be quiet, patient or explode. As she said, this is extremely difficult to manage.

Oh, to have more options. Oh, to see the grey areas and enter them, maybe with confusion, but to enter them at least, not sure of the outcome, but hoping for something new and fresh.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , , ,
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