Keeping Secrets: Why They Can Ruin a Marriage

Is it alright for you to be keeping secrets from your partner? In what instances or situations is it okay to do so? And in when is it not? Read on to see why secrets in a marriage can break the trust you’ve worked hard to build, and what you can do to fix it.

Keeping secrets from your partner, no matter how little you think they are, can be very damaging to your relationship. Which means that you have to be very, very careful about this.

Most of the time, your partner will be able to sense that you are keeping secrets, or at least something, from him or her anyway, and although he or she may not ask you directly what it is, there could be hints that will be sent your way asking you to divulge whatever it is that you are hiding. And the more you avoid answering or divulging what it is, the more your partner will suspect you of doing something wrong, and he or she will start losing trust in you.

Usually in extramarital affairs, what hurts your partner most is the fact that you betrayed his or her trust, kept things from him or her and lied constantly to cover things up. These things — the keeping of secrets — more than the fact that you had sex with another person, is what is most damaging for relationships.

But this does not mean that you have to talk about every single detail of your affair with your partner, that you have to describe in full detail what you and the other person did, where, when and how. No, it does not mean that at all. Your partner may ask you to reveal some details of the affair but you don’t have to be very specific about it.

What you need to do, though, is to resolve these things and find a way to forgive yourself because it’s the first thing you need to do before you can really move forward with your relationship.

After the Affair: Barriers in Saving the Marriage

What do you need to know to save the marriage after the affair?

Rebuilding a marriage after the affair is very difficult, even with all of the information you can have, because no matter how much you read on the matter, it will still be your personal barriers that will keep you from making any real changes.

The following are three most common barriers that people encounter while going through this situation after the affair:

1. Your partner refuses to open up and talk about the affair. You try to get him to talk, you ask questions, you try to peel back the layers your partner is hiding from, but you don’t get anywhere. And it seems that the more you ask about it, the more your partner pulls away. You have a hard time trusting him or her, or getting past the betrayal, because you imagine all these things that he or she did with the other person. And the worst part is that you don’t know for sure what happened because your partner refuses to answer your questions about it.

2. You are afraid. You’re scared to demand anything from your partner after the affair for whatever reason, and you try to stay out of his or her way. Maybe you don’t want him or her to feel pressured or stressed by you because you don’t want him or her to find comfort outside your marriage again. You only try to analyze what his or her actions mean and you are never sure if what you think is right or wrong. You keep your struggle inside rather than opening up to your partner what you really feel.

3. You are focused on the other person, and how he or she compares to you. You want to be able to be the person you were before the affair, but you’re just always unsure of yourself now. And it’s worse when your partner isn’t giving any indication of what he wants – whether it’s you or the other person – because it just makes it all the more confusing.

Relationship Advice: How to Build Trust

There is plenty of relationship advice being put out there regarding building trust in relationships. Most of it is true and helpful, but some of it won’t do you any good.

So what’s one relationship advice you should trust?

A lot of people in relationships or marriages say that they want to be surprised, they want spontaneity, they don’t want to be stuck in a rut or a routine where everything happens the same way at the same time. And although this is true enough, they also don’t want to be surprised by a sudden change in your behavior, especially when they don’t expect it from you at all.

Here is one piece of relationship advice that will be beneficial: Be consistent.

Your partner wants to think that he or she knows you and knows what you will do. Your partner wants you to be consistent in your actions, your feelings, your behavior, your treatment of him or her, and everything else. Your partner wants to be able to trust you to react or behave in a certain way even when he or she is not around.

Sudden changes in these things, even tiny things like losing weight, dressing differently, acting differently, having new friends who he or she has never met, showing interest in things that you never cared for before – these little things tend to cause suspicions and doubts that lead to your partner suspecting you of things that may or may not be happening.

You may think that being consistent is bad relationship advice because it means being predictable and boring, which is something that everyone does not want to be, especially in a relationship. But consistency doesn’t always have to mean being predictable, and being predictable doesn’t always mean boring. Be spontaneous, be surprising, be impulsive. Avoid making routines when it comes to your relationship. Keep up the spark, try out new things, go to new places. But remember to do all of that consistently.