Bad Advice: Using Jealousy to Fix a Marriage

Will it really help your marriage if you make your partner jealous, especially after infidelity?

There is plenty of relationship advice that can be found everywhere – books, TV, online, and many other places. And one of the worst pieces of advice that have been put out there is that jealousy can actually be good for a relationship, that it can help fix a marriage.

A few online advice sites and relationship blogs have published articles that gave out this very advice. One article even suggested that couples should make each other jealous on purpose on a regular basis because it will apparently keep the couple on their toes and add spice and a little excitement to the relationship. There is not much basis behind this particular piece of advice, but maybe what the author means is that he or she believes that it will make the relationship stronger somehow, or that it could be a good way in spicing up the relationship. But this is not a healthy way of achieving that, it  is actually the least bit healthy, especially if there’s been a bout of infidelity to consider.

Rebuilding a relationship after infidelity shouldn’t include the negativity that jealousy brings. Building trust, love and great communication are foremost the most important things you should work on, as well as connection, honesty, passion, appreciation and integrity.

The only thing that jealousy will bring to your marriage is more problems and more issues, particularly if you do it on purpose. It can further destroy the trust that’s already been hurt by the affair, and could do irreparable damage to the marriage. So remember to think about the things you read, especially when it is on the internet because no matter how smart or right it sounds, it could actually do the opposite of what it claims to do.

Consistency: Building Trust in Your Relationship

There is plenty of advice being put out there regarding building trust in your relationship. Most of it is true and helpful, but a lot of it won’t do you any good.

Here is one piece of advice that will be beneficial: Be consistent. A lot of people in relationships or marriages say that they want to be surprised, they want spontaneity, and they don’t want to be stuck in a rut. And although this is true enough in most situations, they also don’t want to be shocked or caught by surprise by sudden changes in your behavior all the time as well.

Your partner wants to think that he or she knows you and knows what you will do. Your partner wants you to be consistent in your actions, your feelings, your behavior, your treatment of him or her, and everything else. Your partner wants to be able to expect or predict how you will react or respond to whatever situation that might go your way.

Sudden changes in your behavior – losing weight, dressing differently, acting differently – these things tend to cause suspicions and doubts that lead to your partner suspecting you of things that may or may not be happening, and end up destroying the trust in your relationship.

You may think that being consistent means being predictable, which is something that everyone does not want to be. But consistent doesn’t always have to mean predictable, and predictable doesn’t always have to mean boring. Be spontaneous, be surprising, be impulsive, but be all of that consistently.

It may seem to be one of those “too good to be true, cure all” steps to fixing a marriage that you read everywhere all the time. And yes, it is such a simple answer to a complex issue, but it does work. Being consistent in the way you are when it comes to your husband or wife is one of the simplest ways that you can build and develop the trust in your relationship.

Infidelity and Marriage Makeover

Just going over responses to my “Marriage Makeover” e-book. I tried to be practical (men especially like that, you know!) I always learn from your comments. I’ll share them with you:

1. When and why did you decide to do this exercise?
>>>It helps me focus on what I want
>>>As soon as I read the e-mail I wanted to do the exercise to start healing
and understanding
>>>I decided to participate in this survey because the invitation arrived this morning. It’s better to do these first thing in the morning before I get caught up in my working day.
>>>Because I have seen failed relationships and was devastated.
>>>My marriage needs to change. At the current state we are stuck in a unfufilling and deceitful relationship.
>>>we are a work in progress-always looking for something new to help
>>>I don’t want to let go of 20 years of relationship and 14 years of marriage. I am old fashioned, I believe in values

2. What happened? What positive changes or shifts took place?

>>>I feel much more confident about myself
>>>Alot has happened over the winter. My spouse has returned home and is actively participating in the restoration of our marriage. We are now participating in the Retrovaille program being offered in our area. It is an amazing program. It helps you to think about things you wouldn’t have thought of before and helps you to find your own answers in the context of your marriage issue.
>>>I became completely independent, especially from the people in my family who were downright mean and harmful. Slowly I have built a healthy, happy life for myself and my son. I have also learned to know people better, to realize that my reactions actually worsened the infidelity and am a stronger person because if I can survive this, I can survive anything.
>>>more communication
>>>My attitude, to change myself versus my partner, which brought a better impact on him, but I more focus no on my wellbeing………looks like he benefits from it too.