Should you confront the other person?
Read on…
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
I just needed “to know” – he kept telling me she and her husband were friends from his pool league. She confirmed his story at first but i found a few discrepancies and with further questions realized that he must have been telling her what to say and how to answer. This was done through email – we live in MD and she lives in PA. It all started when he forwarded a “joke” email to me that originally came from “her”. I know his friends and he has no female friends (he swears men & women cant just be “friends” – go figure). So of course I questioned who she was.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
I was not mean to her at all. I emailed her just asking how she knew my husband. It took her HOURS to reply. I figured out later that it took so long because she was trying to get a hold of him to see what she should say back to me. Neither are good liars so it was pretty obvious what the true story was. I actually tried to explain (like an idiot) that she wasn’t the first one – and that I’d been through this with him before, so i just wanted to know the truth. I also honestly feel that women should stick together and respect each other. If u get a feeling from someone else’s husband that they are crossing the line or being too flirty – set them straight. IF they are doing these sneaky things with you – its pretty safe to assume u aren’t the only one!! So don’t even play into their game. Tell them to go home to their wife. We had just had a baby also – and my husband is in the Army and had just left for Germany for 2 years when I found all of this out. It was hard – and the outcome…. when I tried to explain to her that i just wanted to know the truth and i had a family to think about…. she told me to NEVER EMAIL HER AGAIN. Still to this day I wish she’d talk to me – but I know she wont and I don’t blame her. Apparently he lied to her about lots of things and had her believing she was “special”…. so …. there wasn’tIn much of an outcome. The whole thing just stinks.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
I would do it differently – I’d pack his crap up and drop it off on her and her husbands porch. She could then deal with his cheating, overbearing, selfish, lying, self-centered self. Then she’d realize why I just wanted TO KNOW……
Coach’s comments:
It seems as if this relationship was ready to self-destruct. There appeared to be little holding them together. The “offended” woman was keenly aware of his inappropriate behaviors and picked up on them rather quickly.
Perhaps contacting the other person validated what she thought… that her husband could not be trusted and had a propensity for flirting and covering the truth.
Infidelity Stories and Input
I was reading through some of the comments from my readers of “Break Free From the Affair.” Thought I would share some with you. It’s always good to know what others go through:
1. How was your situation helped by reading Break Free From the Affair?
>>>>understanding why the affair happened and confused in a sense because it wasnt my fault
>>>>Very comprehensive framework for understanding the affair. My therapist was supportive, but didn’t help much with understanding or reacting in a really helpful way to my wife’s infidelity. BFFTA did a great job of describing what is and is not useful to do when working through an affair.
>>>>I just read it. It validated my own understandings and gave me important information.
>>>>I’m just hoping we can still communicate.
>>>>It helped me identify the type of affair my husband is having
>>>>It helped me identify the type of affair I’m dealing with and the knowledge that I’m dealing with it badly.
2. Please describe the situation that best fits you.
>>>>I discovered the affair. My spouse stopped seeing the OP (other person) and we are rebuilding the marriage.
>>>>My partner has filed for divorce but I don’t want a divorce.
>>>>I recently discovered the affair and am in shock, anger, pain and confusion.
>>>>My partner has filed for divorce but I don’t want a divorce.
>>>>We are trying to repair the relationship but my partner is still contacting the OP. I can’t trust him/her.
3. What did Break Free From the Affair NOT answer for you… or how can it be improved?
>>>>For “My Marriage Made Me Do It”, my case, you didn’t provide much information on specific behaviors the wayward spouse needed to show in order for there to be a successful reconciliation. Where is the guide for the wayward spouse that lays out how her behavior needs to change if she wants to save the relationship. Also, you didn’t say if you found it helpful to share BFFTA with your wayward spouse. I have nothing to lose at this time, so I did, but she hasn’t reacted so far.
>>>>what she have to do to save the marriage completely
>>>>Well, it is a lot of value for $90, especially compared to the amount I spend on one therapy session out-of-pocket, not to mention an attorney’s fee.
>>>>A lot more coaching on how to create a charge neutral posture. Some more information on how to identify which infidelity model applies (my wife’s character suggests one model, her behavior suggests another).
>>>>My husband seems to be in a midlife crisis stemming from all our financial worries and is blaming his unhappiness on the marriage. We have been married 20 years and though I see we were emotionally disengaged he is trying to justify his behavior of the affair because of the marriage and I wonder if the crisis changes the impact of the affair