Healing From Infidelity

Healing from infidelity is a process. I ask my readers periodically what is important for them in the healing process.

In asking those who read “Break Free From the Affair” to respond, I received these comments:

>>>>I also appreciate the considerations about whether or not I want to save the relationship. There is definitely a common underlying tone between ALL the types of affairs that helped me understand the weaknesses of my spouse. The selfish behaviors, governed by my spouses internal issues helps me feel a little better about myself – I know her affair wasn’t my fault but now I have a better sense of “why”.

>>>>It helped with empathy for myself and my husband. It also made me realize that we both make our own choices and must suffer the consequences. The questions also helped me identify where I was stuck.

>>>>it helped clarify the type of affair my husband is having (seems like a mix of a few types) and gave some real examples of how to proceed, and not be stuck. It is also very clear now to me that I need to start working on myself, and understanding my needs.

>>>>It made me realize that the patterns and behaviors I am seeing and going through myself are normal and that I am not alone. It also gave me hope that my marriage can be saved.

>>>>Gained clarity as to what happened and why.Gained confidence and self-esteem.Assurance that I wasn’t crazy or responsible for the whole situation.

>>>>Gave an outline of what to expect, like a path.

Healing from Infidelity

Here are more comments from readers on their journey of healing:

>>>I have gone through the pain, and attained better emotional stability. And now i am giving my husband a last chance to improve, also planning a healthy break-up if he does not give any assurance to change himself. Sometimes I feel he has sexual addiction.

>>>Trying to see the big picture and be the only one to work on improving the marriage. By charging neutral, not reacting with my communications, I have kept our marriage afloat. My husband has dropped legal dissolution, and our communication is better than it ever has been. Like you said, make the marriage better than ever.

>>>My husband and I have been trying to reconcile for 2 months. He has left 2 times and always come back (we have 4 small children) your insights helped me realize what I was going thru and what to expect. I think we are finished now but I am still wondering what we’ll be up against.I often forward your emails to him. The most telling one was the most recent about therapy-it was us to a tee. He participated only to have an out and say it didn’t work.

>>>The course made me see the mistakes I have been making and showed me the depth of my pain, worded my feelings and, sadly, made me feel “one of the crew” of unhappy people to whom this has happened. It made me feel better, too, to know that many other people had experienced the same terrible emotions, insecurities and doubts and got through them, hopefully, for good. So I immediately ordered the book and now, three months after I found out about my husbands affair and passionate love for the other person I stopped crying every day, he stayed, says that he wants to work on the marriage and I think about the next course for my less-than-satisfactory life and marriage. I’m also now quite capable of thinking about divorce without crying and see it as something that won’t break me if it happens. Thank you.

Recovery from Infidelity: Mental Shifts

Making shifts in one thinking, at least being open to the possibility of there being another way of perceiving a relationship or one’s self, begins the healing and recovery process from infidelity or an extramarital affair.

Here are some shifts made in two case studies:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

Everyone thought we were the perfect couple (including ME)and I never even imagined this could happen to US. I now know it can happen to anybody. I have learned that I am okay, and a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for, and also, that no one is perfect, no marriage is perfect, but sometimes bad things happen to good people. The course has helped me to realize that there are things I needed to examine and learn about myself as well as my husband, things I didn’t realize I was doing, especially with regard to taking my husband and his love for granted. Only, after having been married for 30 years, it is something we tend to do when we get comfortable, but I thought that was also part of TRUST. What I never expected was to get to this point in our lives, where the kids were grown and (it was supposed to Our Time) only to feel as if that magic carpet has been ripped out from under me. I am certain there were things I probably could have and should have been doing differently, but that ultimately, the affair was His Choice and that in the beginning (Discovery) I was much too hard on myself, and originally went out of my way to understand him, but have since come to a place of acceptance within myself– to try & change the things I can, the courage to accept what I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

I started the course at a time I was depressed and believing I had done all I could to save my marriage, and all effort had yielded no positive results. The course opened my eyes and I began to see some of the mistakes that I had unknowingly made like involving relatives, friends and seeking counseling from church members. These mistakes had actually isolated us as a family and had made us the subject of gossip among our “so called trusted colleagues.” After going through the 6 series (did not receive day 2 course, I truly agree with you that the discovery was the best thing that happened to us. Our communication has improved and we are more open with each other and are appreciating the character differences between us. We have started on a long journey of recovery from our past and we are moving together as a couple with less hurt.