Infidelity: How Children Know

July 18, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Does how you learn about your family member’s infidelity really matter? – it depends…

Researchers have found important links between the way you discover the information of your partner’s infidelity and relational outcomes – but these same findings are not consistent for a child’s discovery of his or her parent’s infidelity. In my study on children’s discovery methods, I found that children often learned the information of their parent’s infidelity in one of five ways:

• From the parent who engaged in infidelity,
• From a family member (i.e., not the parent who engaged in infidelity),
• From a third party (i.e., a non-family member),
• Explicitly (i.e., During a one-time event in which the child found or overheard something they were not supposed to find or hear that let them know, without a doubt, that infidelity was occurring or had occurred), or
•Incrementally (They had an intuition or suspicion and saw or heard information over a long period of time which they were not intended to hear or see that led them to know this occurred).

When comparing each group of individuals to each other (discovery from the parent vs. incrementally, as so on…) no broad trends emerged. Otherwise said, there was not one group which reported significantly higher levels of satisfaction with their parent than another.

So, how can you use this information?

1) If you have not discussed your infidelity or your partner’s infidelity with your child, do not assume that they are unaware that these events occurred. Children often know much more about their parents’ relationship than for which they are given credit.
2) If you choose not to bring up this topic with your child, be prepared for them to come to you and ask questions. Although this conversation may never take place, you should think about what you are going to say beforehand.

This information was contributed by Allison R. Thorson. For more information, feel free to contact her at [email protected]

Thorson, A. R. (2008, November). The Influence of Discovery Method on Relational Outcomes: A Study of Parental Infidelity. Top student paper to be presented to the Interpersonal Communication Division at the annual meeting of the National Communication Association, San Diego, CA.

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Infidelity Discovered: Death without Dying – Part 6

July 17, 2008 by Leave a Comment

This is part 6 “Death without Dying.”

It summarizes the feelings and anguish of my good friend who came home from a business trip and was greeted at the door by his wife who said, “I’ve found someone else. I’m leaving.”

Here are more of his thoughts:

Can I ever feel gratitude for the thirty-three years? Or will I resent staying when the going was crazy, the behaviors wrong? Will I ever be grateful to myself for sticking with it for the sake of the girls, when now the bonds get reordered? We were not the perfect couple. I was not always happy. I suffered. I gave up opportunity. I experienced loss of much of my youth to assure that our imperfections would not permanently infect my kids. I didn’t always handle it the right way and acted out my unhappiness and punishments quietly, internally and externally. But never overtly. Perhaps that was wrong. As wrong as thinking you can change another person or their behavior. I can and do celebrate the team that was though. The end result of the daughters she raised. The business partnership that brought me much career success and adulation. The uncomplaining acceptance and accomplished performance of so many of the tasks that I didn’t like doing. She did good.

It’s in there somewhere. And it scares the hell out of me. It’s got to show its ugly face. And I want to be ready for it. Cause I know that I’m angry. I’m mad as hell. I’m genuinely pissed off. She has hurt me inappropriately, acted irrationally, disregarded my feelings and my values, has not acknowledged my love and devotion, has hurt my children and will hurt my mother, sisters and my few friends. How can that anger be directed to healing, to repair, to protection of the totally unknown future? Will I be ready when it strikes and be able to channel the anger productively, begin the process of forgiveness? I’m still in shock. But I know this train is coming. I just don’t know when it’s pulling into the station. And if it carries a bomb?My anger is not pretty. It’s a beach ball held under water that slips away, explodes through the surface, often surprising not only those around me, but taking me by surprise as well. What needs to happen for me to find peace?

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Does how you learn about your partner’s infidelity really matter?

July 14, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Researchers Afifi, Falato, and Weiner (2001) argue that the degree to which the knowledge about your partner’s infidelity is public and the degree to which your partner is able to make an immediate response are influential in shaping relationship outcomes. As such, listed from most threatening to least threatening, the following discovery methods are been identified:

• solicited third party discovery (i.e., you ask a neighbor and they confirm your suspicions),
• catching your partner ‘red handed’ (i.e., you walk in on your partner in the act),
• solicited discovery from your partner (i.e., you ask your partner and they confirm “yes, I have been with someone else”), and
• unsolicited discovery from a partner (i.e., without asking, your partner comes to you and says “I have to tell you something”)

What was found was that there are important links between the way you discover the information of your partner’s infidelity and relational outcomes. Specifically, the more threatening your discovery, the more negative your change in relationship quality, the more likely the relationship will deteriorate, and the harder it will be for you to forgive your partner.

So, how can you use this information?

1) When talking to your partner about your feelings concerning his or her affair, talk about your need to keep this a private matter in order to protect your public identity.
2) If you are the individual who engaged in the affair, keep in mind the “face saving” needs your partner may have and acknowledge that the way they discovered this information may have caused them both personal distress as well as public embarrassment.

Although these findings are broad, they stress the importance of the communication both prior to and after the discovery of these events.

Afifi, W. A., Falato, W. L., & Weiner, J. L. (2001). Identity concerns following a severe relational transgression: The role of discovery method for the relational outcomes of infidelity. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 18, 291-308.

This information was contributed by Allison R. Thorson ([email protected])

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , ,
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