Dealing with Adultery: Learning to Trust Your Instincts

Studies show that a great percentage of people in relationships or marriages have, at some point, tried being in extramarital affairs. And most likely than not, one or two people close to you are a part of that statistic without you knowing.

There have been plenty of cases where the one involved in an affair did not tell his or her partner about it, and have never been discovered. This should tell you to make yourself aware of any signs that could point to your partner having an affair. The most basic of all is a change in habits and behavioral patterns. You could be sensing that something is “off” or “out of character” with your partner but not be able to say specifically what it is.

Although trust is a very important aspect in any relationship, you should be a little cautious when you notice that something is different with your partner, and be brave enough to confront him or her about it. A change in behavior may not always mean that he or she is having an affair, but there still is that possibility.

Educate yourself and understand that there are different kinds of affairs – why and how they start, what it means to your partner, and how your relationship affected his or her decision to go through with it.

Confronting the Other Person: Waste of Time

…continuing research and study of “Should I Confront the Other Person.

I asked the following questions of my readers:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I wanted her to know she is not the only person my husband had been with.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Husband defended her, became angry with me. He told her I lied and that she was the only one he had been with. He married her.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I’d tell them both that they were two irresponsible adults being led by their genitals, and effecting the lives of our children and myself. Of couse, no matter what I’d say, would make no difference…..knowing what I know now, I’d be better off watching a good movie, going to the gym or having fun with friends.

Coach’s comments:

Sometimes the patterns of infidelity and personal dysfunction are so well entrenched, so undeniable strong that you might as well throw in the towel… or read a good book.

I wish I knew more…the kind of affair she was facing. Serial infidelity – probably “I Don’t Want to Say No.” Although he married her, maybe “My Marriage Made Me Do It.” The anger would fit that one more accurately.

Have you had a similar experience? Questions? Comments? Leave ’em below…

Confronting the Other Person – can’t stand the pain

Confronting the other person often carries with it powerful images, feelings and emotions. Hear her story:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I wanted to meet her, to see what this person looked and acted like who my husband was so in love with. Not having a face to go with her name was very frustrating for me. I also wanted to tell her in person that my children knew about her and how hurt they all were and she should exit our lives asap. This was after calling her a couple of times and emailing her maybe 3 times over the course of months, Nothing changed. I got word that she was flying into the country and wanted to plan to meet my husband. I took this opportunity to go to the airport and confront her.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I talked my way through security and went to her boarding gate where I had her paged. I know! Sounds crazy. She thought it was my husband and was horrified to see me. I said hello- I thought it was time we had a little chat. She wouldn’t say anything but “Talk to your husband, it’s a two way street.” I got so frustrated that I embarrassed her in front of her fellow passengers by saying some choice words. She ran away, I left. I then warned those two that if it didn’t end I would call her place of business and tell them about her, which I eventually did. Only because he wouldn’t get out and kept promising it was over. It never was.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Although my husband called me evil for doing all that, I would do it again. Now, I don’t care but at the time I was so embroiled in the pain and jealousy that I had to act. This was only after being patient for months and trying to understand. But when two people have this secret life, I felt so alone and excluded. I was obsessed! Although I tried not to be.. The most difficult thing I ever went through. I eventually filed for divorce. He is no longer with her but I know he still loves her. She thinks I nearly ruined her life and will have nothing to do with him because who knows what I am capable of. So maybe it worked. I know she is a sweet person but 20 years younger than my husband, we have 5 children and I thought it was so wrong of her to get involved-it broke up my family. Of course, I know it is really him who should get the blame. Me, too, to some degree. But that is another story.

Coach’s comment:

This story strikes me as sad. Very sad. It is an awful feeling to stuff, hold inside, wait, think, ruminate until you get to the point where you sense the explosion coming.

Life seems very restricted, feeling there are only two options; be quiet, patient or explode. As she said, this is extremely difficult to manage.

Oh, to have more options. Oh, to see the grey areas and enter them, maybe with confusion, but to enter them at least, not sure of the outcome, but hoping for something new and fresh.