Healing from The Extramarital Affair

February 21, 2009 by 3 Comments

Where does the problem lie when one has an extramarital affair?

It is extremely common for the “wounded spouse” to question his/her adequacy and engage in a myriad of what ifs… what if I did this.. or that.

Part of the healing from an extramarital affair comes when the wounded spouse realizes that s/he is not at fault. That there was in reality probably little s/he could have done to prevent the extramarital affair.

For example, read the responses below to my survey question on my e-course.

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

It has helped me word my thoughts better and has also made me understand that some of the things I may be doing and saying is hindering our recovery.

I have shifted focus onto myself instead of letting his affair consume my every thought. I have come to realize that the fact that he had an affair was his choice in dealing with his inability to communicate how he was feeling to me and had nothing to do with me. I am okay most of the time and feel a calm within myself. I have found your information very empowering. Also having the chance to read and discuss thoughts with others experiencing the same feelings has been great.

It has helped me realize that I am not the problem and that I must take care of my needs.

I have benefited from the information personally more than with my spouse. Unfortunately he did leave our home, me and our three boys over a year ago and is living in the house with the woman that he is involved with and her two boys. I haven’t discussed anything about our relationship with him for about two-three weeks because I realize after reading your info I have been doing things all wrong . I was trying to save the marriage with questions and working at fixing things, I know now that it hasn’t helped. I do feel more peace after reading Break free and recieving tha emails , but I do really deep down miss him , our boys miss him and I do still feel that their is a marriage to save, he is really carrying alot of guilt and unworthiness. I have learned that our marriage wasn’t really the problem, his own insecurities are what drove him away.

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Healing from the Affair: I’m Okay

February 15, 2009 by Leave a Comment

If there is one key element in healing from the affair or infidelity in your marriage it’s arriving emotionally and mentally to the realization that you are Okay.

Knowing and feeling that you have value and worth, in extraordinary degrees, apart from your cheating husband or spouse, gives you the foundation to employ specific, targeted strategies that stand the best chance of healing from the affair and perhaps saving the marriage.

Read what this person says:

You validated so many of my feelings. I felt totally lost. Using the charge neutral method, I probably saved us from falling completely apart. I did feel more in control, and my husband (the cheater) actually didn’t know what to say or how to react. I also had to get rid of my anger as it was indeed very destructive. I don’t ever want to feel that bad again. By doing that, I am able to see things much more clearly, enjoy my children more, and cope with my husband better. He is nowhere near at my stage. We are probably the worst case scenario in your affair list. While we crossover into some of the others, the first one describes us the best. He has started to read some of the ebook materials, and is at least reading right now. It isn’t going to be easy, and I don’t know if it will work out. I love my husband, but I am definitely not in love with him right now. While I have to accept what he has done, I am definitely not ready to forgive him. Some days are good, some days I am rattled to my core. But remembering to continue to charge neutral, I survive much better and stay in control of me. I realize I must make changes in myself, but I cannot force him to change. I do feel more peace in myself, although that may sound crazy. We went away 3 days after I found out about the affair (after months of asking him), and that too probably kept us from coming completely apart. We had a scheduled family vacation, but went alone and left our children (20, 18, 15) home, which if nothing else was the best thing we could have ever done for them. They relied on each other, and didn’t have to see their Dad for a bit. I made him take responsibility and tell the kids what he had done. Honesty feels good, and we haven’t had much of that. We talked for hours on end while we were away, and actually had a good time. Sounds strange doesn’t it?! Unfortunately we had to come back to reality, but at least I see there may be something to save. Thanks for being on the web. I googled and found your sight and if I hadn’t-I know where I would be right now.

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Infidelity: Healing from the Affair

February 9, 2009 by 1 Comment

What does it take to heal and recover from the affair?

Briefly, I will identify two important steps that most state were crucial in moving through the pain of infidelity and initiating the healing process.

1. First, it’s terribly important to stand back and see the patterns. When lost in the forest we see the tree but we do not see the totality of the forest. Therefore it’s easy to wander from tree to tree, often ending with the tree from which we started.

And, there are patterns in infidelity. Very distinct patterns actually. (I’ve identified 7 specific patterns and motivations for infidelity.)

Once the patterns are identified or at least the process of identification starts, one feels almost immediate relief and hope. Yes, there is a way out of the forest.

Here’s what one reader says:

“It (Break Free From the Affair) definitely helped me to understand some of the what and why my husband was having an affair. When my husband read the part ‘I fell out of love…’, he said it was almost spooky how many of the bullet points applied to him.”

2. It is important to engage in what I call “charging neutral.

Charging neutral is, in essence, being non reactive. It means finding your “center” operating from there and refusing to react in the face of your pain and fears.

It does not mean accommodating, being nice or “faking it.” It means stating your position with directness and power.

Here’s another person stating the results of charging neutral:

“So far, it has helped me to remain neutral in my conversation towards my spouse. It seems to be working. I have identified my spouse as being in the Type 1 affair and has helped me in understanding it a little better.”

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