Wounded Husband’s 2nd Email: Confronting the Other Person

September 16, 2010 by 7 Comments

This husband’s wife reconnected with an old boyfriend (someone she was engaged to) after 20 + years of marriage.

You can find his first letter here.

Please leave your comments, questions, insights and concerns below. Remember, we are hear to learn not to be dogmatic. BTW, for those of you who have read Break Free From the Affair, which of the 7 types of affairs do you suppose this is?

Second email:
Hi (OP’s name) ….hope you are well.

It has been almost 4 months since I last communicated with you. However, as a husband, father, and man….I am touching base with you one more time in order to clarify my thoughts, requests and intentions.

I am asking that you keep this between you and me.

As you know (wife’s name) and I have challenges which we are still working through. However, they were complicated by her reconnection with you. The original communications between you and (wife’s name)…even you would have to admit that 37 hours of phone calls, 2200 text messages (30 – 40 a day?), and numerous other emails, etc. in a 9 week time period was more than excessive. If you don’t believe my stats, let me know, I can send you the phone records. I don’t know how (op’s wife’s name) your wife would feel about that, but from any vantage point it was not even close to appropriate. If you think that your connection with (wife’s name) was “just friends”, feel free to Google the term Emotional Affair or Emotional Infidelity for an eye opening experience.

The bottom line…..I am asking you to please do yourself justice and focus on YOUR relationship with YOUR wife and children without involving my wife and family any further. Your personal problems with your job and wife should be dealt with by you and you alone. “Forever and Always” needs to stay in the past….not further tag lines on emails to my wife. Sure….I get it….fond memories of an old flame are normal….but they need to stay in the past as memories. You “let her go” once before and I’m sure that you can do it again.

(OP’s name)… my hope is that you respectfully decline or at the very least severely limit any future communications or pre-planned and “accidental” meetings with my wife. You can do it in a kind, compassionate, yet respectful manner. Keeping things professional and above board. But…further contact with (wife’s name), the sharing of intimate relationship details/problems, and other interactions is not healthy for ANY of us. Focus on your family and their future….they need you now more than ever and I will focus on mine. I respectfully advise you to do this in the hope that (wife’s name) and I can regain trust in one another and recover what any dignity is left in our marriage. I do not know your current relationship with (op’s wife’s name)….but I cannot believe she would not be hurt, upset, and betrayed by your actions, conversations, and involvement with my wife.

This should not be some sort of Romeo and Juliet situation with the allure of forbidden contact. We are not teenagers or college students…..this is real life and the decisions we make….actions we take ….all affect our families and children. It is not a harmless game.

Please take the high road on this.

I ask again that you respect my position on keeping this between us and I will respect the same position with you.

I wish you well with your life. Should you want to respond I will be receptive.

Thank you.

(husband’s name)

P.S. I asked my reader, the wounded husband, to fill me in on what happens. Might be interesting!

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: ,

Couple Shares Outcome of Emotional Affair

January 23, 2010 by Leave a Comment

The guest blogger today is a couple who have survived and redesigned their marriage after the husband’s emotional affair.

They write to tell their story and help others who might be experiencing an emotional affair as well.

Here’s what the husband writes:

Linda often tells me she doesn’t understand how I could have let myself get involved in an emotional affair with another woman. I can honestly say there wasn’t any singular reason or that I was looking for some kind of mid-life thrill. It was something that just happened. Unusual circumstances at work brought Tanya and I much closer than married co-workers should become. Combine that with dissatisfaction in her marriage and the marital “rut” that Linda and I were in, and there was a recipe for this type of marital affair to occur.

We found in each other certain feelings and personality traits that were missing in our marital relationships, and the result was a kind of euphoria that wasn’t existing at home. Only through Linda’s diligent efforts to save our marriage and my snapping back into reality did I realize just how stupid I had been. If I would have just been smart enough to confide in Linda when I initially felt like we were having marriage problems, I’m certain none of this would have happened.

The foundation of our love and our relationship was still sound: our kids, our home, our history together and all the things we have in common. But somehow we let the trials and tribulations of everyday life stop us from continuing to build upon this solid foundation which resulted in my devastating emotional infidelity.

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Emotional Infidelity: Nothing There

September 22, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Confronting the other woman in this instance discovered that no one (emotionally) was home.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I contacted the OP to try and reveal some of the truth. I found them together on my anniversary. They were at her home and he backing his vehicle out of her garage. He told me he had to go there because she was going to commit suicide.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

The OP advised me that the affair has been going on for 2 years, they just finished making love, and the passion is so intense between the both of them that neither of them can give up the relationship. She also advised me that she was never going to commit suicide, however she did go on another date that night with another man that did not turn out favorable and my spouse came to the rescue. By other questions that I asked, I found that my spouse was more involved with her sexually than ever with me and nights he spent away from her.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

In this position, I do not regret confronting the OP. I did learn how mislead I was by my spouse. After I confronted the OP, I asked my spouse the same questions watched his body language and I was amazed how well he has lied. I am approaching 4 years after the affair, trying to work things out. I do regret trying to work things out and do wish I ended the relationship when I found them together. This is based on my learning experience from confronting the OP – I am with a professional liar.

Coach’s Comments:

It seems amazing how open and forthright the OP was in divulging the extent of the infidelity. It’s as if saying, “Well, I went to the grocery store, picked up a few things and drove back home.” No big deal.

This is a picture of two people (the OP and the writer’s husband) who merely don’t want to say no. Glands dominate. And, it would appear they will settle for that in a relationship, or are clueless about the power and richness of true intimacy with someone.

Lying becomes second nature for someone how “Can’t say NO.” It’s part of the character. Often lying extends into all arenas of life. It seems there is a need to build an illusion of need entitlement and that illusion is constructed on lies. Little depth.

It appears that he was unable to move any deeper in his relationships. It took four years of her knocking on his emotional door to find there was absolutely nothing behind it.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , ,
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