coping with infidelity

Coping with Infidelity: When to “Let Go”

October 21, 2008 by Dr. Bob Huizenga Leave a Comment

Should I stay or should I go? And, when will I know when to go? Can this marriage be saved? When will I know it’s salvageable?

These are pressing and legitimately powerful questions when coping with infidelity.

Part of the task is identifying the markers along the way that tell you when the relationship is beyond repair.

Read this case study:

My wifes father died of cancer 30 days following diagnosis. She spent these days renewing a past friendship with her step brother, that eventually turned to a relationship where she came to me 6 months later to acknowledge she loves him. My immediate response was to close the door, that this was not repairable with her family and all. She begged me to hang in there and give her time to sort these feelings out. I decided to do this based on some understanding I had from your book. I did everything I could to “backoff” and give her the space she needed to sort herself out for 8 weeks. Following that I was getting very tired of the roller coaster weeks and knowing that every step forward she would make toward us, she would take two steps backward for him. I’ve felt like I am the only person actually trying to work on this. I made a decision then to allow her some additional time to allow us the opportunity to sort our finances in the even of a divorce and with that we talked allot better. She told me she was planning to fly and see him (he lives 1500 miles away) and I told her this was unacceptable and too painful for me to even comprehend. She went in spite of my feelings and following the weekend, I determined it needed to end. My closure has come from the question I asked her “will you ever be able to end this with him?” – she could not answer this question. I honestly believe I have done everything I could within my will to try and save what I felt was a great marriage with some issues. We are getting ready to meet for a final “get on the same page” meeting, and all I can still think about is ways to save this marriage. I cant help but feel this relationship originated for wrong reasons based on her love for him as a brother, but know now that her decision to fly and see him in spite of my knowing and hurt is bigger than a case of misguided feelings through the course of grieving a father. I know this has little to do with your question, but I felt like telling the story. Thanks for your help.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: coping with an affair, coping with infidelity, letting go, save the marriage, stay or go

The Infidelity Trap

October 9, 2008 by Dr. Bob Huizenga Leave a Comment

One can feel trapped, stuck, hitting a brick wall and fearfully paralyzed with trying to cope with and survive infidelity.

Read what some of my readers say about what they tolerate and find difficult to stop putting up with:

>>>being isolated from friends
>>>being ordered to do things at certain times
>>>have no life
>>>Tolerating his openly carrying on the affair in front of me and the children.
>>>His immaturity and bullying when confronted by me is laughed at by him.
>>>He is trying to control everything and expects me to carry on as before. >>>His nasty, aggressive, demeaning and not consistent in what he says.
<<>>Definitely he came home late (or early) around 5 or 6 a.m. when kids were getting up for school.
>>>Lies, lies and more lies!
>>>always secretly sneaking out of the house to make phone calls or when on computer he would huddle up as if to try and block the screen.
>>>threats of divorce
>>>rage
>>>gossip
>>>lack of sex and intimacy
>>>distrust
>>>Avoidance of the situation, not wanting to bring it up or talk unless I do -then it’s a fight, blaming me for his affair
>>>Excuses to get out of the house and getting home a bit too late but calls first
>>>Knowing he was just with her – instinctively
>>>Hidden cell phone
>>>Him trying to act like nothing is wrong-thinks we can go out together for dinner, movie
>>>Finding daily calls to the other woman every minute he gets
>>>Trying to make obligatory conversation and says he starts 90% of the conversations
>>>Telling me he loves me and doesn’t want to leave or end marriage and >>>everything I say or do that I’ve learned in therapy bothers the hell out of him (calls what I say ‘phsyco babble’)

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: coping with infidelity, infidelity trap, Surviving Infidelity

Surviving Infidelity: My Healing Point

August 20, 2008 by Dr. Bob Huizenga 1 Comment

How does one survive and recover from infidelity? What changes the flow? That’s a question I asked my readers. Read and leave your comments and questions in the comment link below. You words are appreciated by many!

1. What was the turning point(s) in your recovery? What part, if any, did my material (e-book, articles, site) play?

>>>>>The part of my recovery is when I stopped drinking over the situation and finally moved out on my own.

>>>>>To me, the turning point had a lot to do w/ the idea of realizing that I didn’t have to blame myself for my spouses infidelities. I also drew alot from you newsletter that discussed the reasons why certain things happened….types of infidelities, etc… made me feel like I wasn’t alone.

>>>>>A turning point for me was that through reading your site, and my therapist, I realized that I have power as the “queen” of my family. I decided to stay in my marriage and try to work it out. I know that the affair had nothing to do with me. Even if my husband says I did, I know that he is not capable of reflecting on his own actions. He is a narcissist and I do not go along with his crazed reasoning. Another turning point was when I realized what life would be like if I left, (splitting the week with child custody ). I am still trying to deal with him, but most importantly I know that the affair was all about him and his insecurity. He needed a BMW , a woman on the side, and took out his anger on me. It blew up in his face when the other woman wrote a letter to me! It’s been a few years now , and I sort of feel sorry for him. He can’t relate to people and it extends into the rest of his life. (business, personal).

>>>>>One of the things that has helped me more than anything was reading in your material that the feelings I was experiencing was normal. I didn’t feel that they were because they were so powerful and so confusing, but sometimes I would read from passages written be people in my same shoes the exact description of how I felt. That made me know that I was not alone and more importantly, I was NOT losing my mind. I am still in my journey to find my way back to normal, so please do not stop the good work you do.

Filed Under: Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: coping with infidelity, healing from infidelity, Surviving Infidelity, surviving martial infidelity, surviving the affair