Instinct and Confronting the Other Man

There is a small voice within (sometimes it’s more vocal!) that if one listens, holds many of the answers to life’s questions.

This small voice knows what we need and what we need to do.

Sounds easy.. but far from it. This instinctual knowing voice is often drowned by other prominent voices that tout cultural imperatives, the latest pop psychology or fear based thoughts.

Here’s a man that followed his instincts:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

We met in the hallway at work a few days after I discovered the affair. I could not walk past this guy without saying something so I asked him to come up to my office, I am his Boss
2. What happened? What was the outcome?

He came up eventually and I told him that he was in the process of dismantling my family and how difficult and painful it was.He appologized and left promptly. He still did not stop pursuing my wife. I had to threaten my wife with divorce and had him banned from the Admin office and had to stay away from me.I eventually spoke to his wife who knew something was going on but uncertain of what it was. She got to him and he finally called me back to say that he wanted his marriage intact as well and if he could take back the affair he would…he apologized again and this time he stayed away from my wife.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No.I learned to follow my heart andf my instincts in trying to sort out this most terrible experience of my life. My wife and I have relocated half way across the world and slowing piecing things back together.

How Does the Confrontation of the OP Serve Me

What will the confrontation of the other person do for you?

In confronting the other person, underlying and very pertinent questions are:

What will confronting the other person get for me?
What kind of person am I and how do I want to express that in the confrontation?
What kind of person do I want to become and how can I use the confrontation to expedite that?
How can the confrontation best serve me?
What personal needs do I have now that the confrontation may meet?

This case study illustrates a person concerned about how SHE wants to present herself in the confrontation – no consideration for outcome in terms of the op, but only in terms of how she wants to be.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I simply walked up to her and congratulated her on a job well done in a show she was in with my husband.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She looked at me like a scared little rabbit. I really thought she was expecting me to blow up in her face, but I did the exact opposite. I felt very powerful and full of energy. I had taken back control. I wanted her to know that I existed. I was hoping it would burst the fantasy bubble. Later, I found out from my husband that she had been scared as I was walking toward her expecting a big scene. I calmly complimented her and gave her a hug. Wow! Tough, but necessary to charge neutral.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would have done it the same exact way. Sometimes I wonder if I should have said something more sarcastic, but I always come back to being very pleased with how I did handle the situation.

Questions for Confronting the Other Person

Beware what you wish for when confronting the other person.

Do you (really!) want to know the details?
Are you hoping the OP will share the details with you?
And, if the OP is willing to share details with you, what kind of details do you suppose s/he will share?
And, as well, how can you trust that his/her perceptions of the details are accurate?
Or, what if the OP has has hidden motives in sharing his/her perception of the details?

If you want to meet the op with the intent of boosting your self-esteem (hey, I really am OK), do you suppose there are better ways of doing that than through confronting the op?
And, what if confronting the op leads to more questions than answers and leaves your self-esteem in a less precarious position?

Consider these questions as you read this case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

The purpose though embarrassing was to find out how good she was in her talk,whether she was brilliant or had a great sense of humor and to wriggle out the truth from her which I did..

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

It was the most painful conversations that Ive ever had in my life and I
still don t know who s speaking the truth.Painful becoz all the gory details of their sexual encounters came tumbling out ,just becoz she wanted to avenge him for so called letting her down and coming back to me and the children.Apparently she had persuaded him long and hard to give me a divorce ,take the children away from me to her and that she would not have children of her own,etc,etc,which my idiotic husband believed and got ready to leave..The thought still is so frightening and shocking..

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I really don t know becoz it s been almost 2 years, but the pain is as new as if has happened yesterday and the one good lesson I seem to have learned is that one can only believe in oneself and nobody else.Investing time ,energy and love in another person comes with no guarantees at all as most men as I’VE EXPERIENCED ARE UNDEPENDABLE…