Here’s another case study on confronting the other woman, and my comments below:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My husband was hours late coming home and the kids were wondering if he was ok. So I went to her work to get him. She works as a security manager at a store so she could see me come in on the cameras and they took 15 minutes to get their stories together and come out to the store floor.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

My husbands introduced us as I noticed her bra was hanging out of her shirt. He said she and I should talk so she took me to the back of the store where she gave me the story that she was not a home wrecker. That they were soul mates. And she had tried to make him go back to me but it was futile because the attraction was so strong. A month later I asked him to move out because he was treating me poorly in front of the kids. She moved in with him and left her husband. He has lost his identity and she runs the show. He has given up much of his past times.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I needed to get my husband home but confronting her was like giving them open license to do whatever they wanted. He started flaunting his “needs” in front of me and becoming self-centered and cold. At least when they thought I didn’t know, he was more courteous and kind — especially with the kids and he actually lied less. This affair that he thought was so wonderful has compromised his whole being to the point where he is not even himself anymore.

Coach’s Comments:

Confronting the other person will bring about changes. It almost always changes the dynamic of the affair. Why? Because an affair is based on secrets and deception. Once this element is removed, change occurs.

I make the assumption in this case that the man has a tendency to give power to women. His wife seemed practical and assertive. As the wife explains, “she now runs the show.”

Those who give their personal power to others often experience anger which may turn to rage. This resentment is targeted away from self to others. (One is really angry with self… for giving power away so easily – but usually is unaware of or doesn’t want to be aware of that dynamic.)

With the other person now “in charge” he targets his resentment toward this wife, where perhaps, he needs to prove (to himself) he is not such a wimp.

The wife is now experiencing that part of him that was always there – hidden – but now expressing itself in her presence.

This dynamic is common in the “I Want to Get Back at Him/Her” affair.