Marital Infidelity: Confronting the other woman

November 22, 2008 by Leave a Comment

This blog continues my series on confronting the other woman (or man.)

In confronting the other woman you may discover a reservoir of strength you never thought you had.

Case Study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

She was a family friend and his co-worker so I wanted to face her to make sure I got the point across that she needed to stop contacting him. He had told her several times to quit contacting him and she just kept it up. Told him if it happened again his butt was out the door and he would have no second chance.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She tried to give me excuses of why it happened but I knew she was lying. Then, she apologized, told me it was over and left. I told her to stay away from my husband and my family and if she EVER tried to contact him again I would make her life hell because she swore she told her husband about the affair and I never believed her. She has never contacted him again.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Yes I would but not differently. I learned that you cannot trust people who are getting buddy buddy with your husband and buying your children gifts. I also learned that I am ALOT stronger than I ever thought I was. It wasn’t me, it was him.

Coach’s Comments:

Fortunately, for this spouse of a cheating husband, her husband was on her side in ending the affair. I would guess that the man enjoyed the strength and aggressiveness of his wife. (Do you suppose he enjoyed, originally, the aggressiveness of the other woman? Maybe we have an interesting pattern here, that he might want to address! And, this could become interesting fodder for the rebuilding of their marriage.)

Looking back the wife was also aware of her intuition telling her that something was amiss with the behavior of the other woman. Pay attention to those inner inklings. It’s not that we enter into relationships highly suspicious, but when the inner signals come, they are usually on target.

You might want to read my blog on why good people have an extramarital affair.

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Infidelity, Sexual Addiction and Denial

November 20, 2008 by 1 Comment

Denial or refusal to face the truth is a strong characteristic of the “I Can’t Say No” type of affair.

Over time one sees that the denial becomes stronger and the acting out behavior becomes more frequent with more dire consequences (that, again, are ignored.) The impact of infidelity and betrayal at this point can be profound.

Confronting the other person, or persons in this case, may help one gather the truth.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

To find out who they were. How they knew my partner.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Several were hookers, (I later found out). Others were dates from the internet and they told me the truth.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No. I felt better after I talked to the women. My partner tried to lie and I told him I already knew, then later he admitted it was true. I learned the truth by calling them. If I had not then I would have always wondered what the truth was.

Coach’s Comments:

Confronting the other person, or persons, often leads to the truth in the “I Can’t Say No” type of affair.

Why? Because these relationships hold little emotional investment. The OP feels no particular loyalty to the cheating spouse. The degree of emotional separation also may be an indicator of how far along the cheating spouse is in terms of his/her addiction.

The next step for the above spouse is to use her information to confront her husband, with the intent of breaking through the denial – which happened.

Following that break through, it would be hoped that he seek some sort of treatment or at least begin to acknowledge the magnitude of his problem and find paths to cope and survive the infidelity.

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Confronting the Other Woman: Deflection

November 16, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Confronting the other woman: Deflection

Could it be that confronting the other woman may deflect from other, more powerful, concerns and issues?

Read this case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My purpose was to try to get her to realize that she wasn’t special, just a number in my husband’s collection of mistresses over the years. I called her and told her that he would leave her and come back to me and that it would be short lived. I was right.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She ignored me and didn’t believe a word I said. I don’t know why I was surprised.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No, I wouldn’t bother again. Why should I try to warn someone of something that may hurt them when they are knowingly perpetuating an act that was hurting me, without any regards for my feelings. It was just pointless.

Coach’s comments:

Contacting the other person may be a deflection. As in the above case, it would seem that that spouse is willing to tolerate serial adultery on the part of her husband.

Now, as unusual as that may seem to some, the capacity to put up with sequential affairs is common to the “I Don’t Want to Say No” type of affair.

The spouse usually has a huge investment of some sort in the marriage and the husband. He tends to live with the assumption that he “deserves” or is “entitled” to his play time, usually because of his position or power. (John Edwards, Bill Clinton, other political/business figures. Every wonder why their wives don’t leave them? Actually Edward’s wife’s cancer may be a case of her “leaving” him. What a tragedy!)

So, rather than confronting the cheating husband or spouse the “offended” spouse may focus his/her attention elsewhere, as in the above case where she contacts the OP. This keeps the marriage viable because of mutual need, at some level, to maintain the marriage.

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