Confronting the Other Man: Finding Truth of Infidelity

November 21, 2008 by Leave a Comment

If you are searching for the truth, consider going directly to the other person.

Weigh this carefully. Determine the type of affair you are probably facing. (Confrontation might be damaging and less effective for particular types of affairs, better for others.) Rehearse what you want to say. Charge neutral. And… good luck.

Case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I had not yet confronted my wife and suspected that she would not be forthcoming when I did confront her; I had the smoking-gun evidence and figured my best chance to get a confession was from the OP. When he answered the phone, I said hello, identified myself as my wife’s spouse, told him I was not going to hassle him, but needed a question asked: did you sleep with my wife?

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

He said, ‘Aww man, don’t put this on me’ (verbatim), and hung up.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Although that was not an outright confession, his response confirmed for me that he knew exactly what I was talking about. When I later confronted my wife, and over the course of several months, bluffed her into telling me all of the truth I will ever get out of her.Being able to relay what the OP had said seemed to weaken the bond between them. Left to my interpretation, his words meant, ‘Don’t blame me, blame your wife’. I’m not sure how I would handle it if I had it over to do again. I am a very emotional person, and require that I deal with emotional experiences fully – so I guess I would handle it the same unless I was grieving differently.

Coach’s Comments:

There obviously is a huge gap in this marriage. Fear of confrontation? Guilt? Shame? We don’t know. We do know that the husband believed his wife was so tightly shut down that they could not engage in a constructive conversation. Whether this was a long standing pattern or a result of the infidelity, again, we don’t know.

Confronting the other man seemed to work well for him in discerning the truth. Direct. Charging neutral. His approach and demeanor with the other person most likely was helpful in getting a response which helped clarify the truth.

His intervention with the other man, as well, seemingly shut off some of the juice of the affair relationship. In this case, a nice by-product of the confrontation. (Do you get the feeling that the other man was “using” his wife and didn’t want HER problems?)

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Confronting the Other Woman: Triggers Revenge

October 30, 2008 by 1 Comment

Here’s another case study on confronting the other woman, and my comments below:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My husband was hours late coming home and the kids were wondering if he was ok. So I went to her work to get him. She works as a security manager at a store so she could see me come in on the cameras and they took 15 minutes to get their stories together and come out to the store floor.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

My husbands introduced us as I noticed her bra was hanging out of her shirt. He said she and I should talk so she took me to the back of the store where she gave me the story that she was not a home wrecker. That they were soul mates. And she had tried to make him go back to me but it was futile because the attraction was so strong. A month later I asked him to move out because he was treating me poorly in front of the kids. She moved in with him and left her husband. He has lost his identity and she runs the show. He has given up much of his past times.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I needed to get my husband home but confronting her was like giving them open license to do whatever they wanted. He started flaunting his “needs” in front of me and becoming self-centered and cold. At least when they thought I didn’t know, he was more courteous and kind — especially with the kids and he actually lied less. This affair that he thought was so wonderful has compromised his whole being to the point where he is not even himself anymore.

Coach’s Comments:

Confronting the other person will bring about changes. It almost always changes the dynamic of the affair. Why? Because an affair is based on secrets and deception. Once this element is removed, change occurs.

I make the assumption in this case that the man has a tendency to give power to women. His wife seemed practical and assertive. As the wife explains, “she now runs the show.”

Those who give their personal power to others often experience anger which may turn to rage. This resentment is targeted away from self to others. (One is really angry with self… for giving power away so easily – but usually is unaware of or doesn’t want to be aware of that dynamic.)

With the other person now “in charge” he targets his resentment toward this wife, where perhaps, he needs to prove (to himself) he is not such a wimp.

The wife is now experiencing that part of him that was always there – hidden – but now expressing itself in her presence.

This dynamic is common in the “I Want to Get Back at Him/Her” affair.

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Confronting the Other Woman: Bam!

October 14, 2008 by 4 Comments

This is another case study in my series: “Should I Confront the Other Person”

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I was not sure that she knew he was actively married and interacting as a husband and family AND carrying on with her in another town.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I made copies of our recent family photos/activities and mailed them along with copies of her love letters stating “he was her other half “and she loved him “without consequences” and wrote on the pictures…”the other half and the consequences.” I also mailed to her family members who were probably unaware of his family situation. I searched her for phone number and address and then researched her billing of phone and po box to get other family members addresses- sent complete copies of love letters to all recipients.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No- i would have done it sooner- it blew up the romance- she was livid and humiliated- her family got a reality check and as you describe the secrecy was ruined so the thrill was gone.

Coach’s Comments:

The thrill was gone probably means that this was an “I Fell Out of Love…and just love being in love” affair.

Most of these affairs, from my experience, tend to be a remake of adolescence. In other words, the typical falling in and out of “love” a number of times during adolescence did not take place.

And, so a person may develop an affair of being “in love” to redo what was missed.

This “offended’ spouse above got out the big hammer and.. wham! It was over.

The question remains, did the OP and the spouse learn from this experience. Were they able to move beyond their adolescent perspective to more mature and deeper form of love? (I wonder what was left after everything went splat?)

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