Infidelity and No Game Playing

I’m continually amazed with the comments I receive about the results of charging neutral – one of my core skills taught in “Break Free From the Affair.”
This person found it extremely helpful in confronting the other person.

What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

To warn her about my spouse telling untrue stories about me. I collected her phone nos from my spouse and called her.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

When I spoke with her on the phone, She denied having an affair with my husband while admitting that he actually made advances with the aim of having an affair.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would not bother to call as I later discovered that she reported all my phone conversations with her to my husband. I learned that it is most effective to charge neutral when you discover that your spouse is having a affair.

Coach’s Comments:

1. Here is an ever present danger of confronting the OP, if they are involved in “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love” affair – it juices the affair relationship. It keeps it going. It gives it more fuel to burn.

2. Charging neutral puts you in a position of power and will give you the most influence. Don’t we appreciate and admire those who fail to be “game players,” who speak the truth eloquently, quietly, powerfully. It’s like you’ve been struck at your deepest level and you have no recourse but to accept it.

Extramarital Affairs: You Want the Truth?

The dilemma of finding the truth is expressed in this scenario of “Confronting the Other Person:”

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

When I confronted my husband with evidence that there was someone else I knew he was lying about who and how long. I called her in front of him to confirm his story.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Initially she pleaded the 5th, “were just friends”. I calmly spoke to her about my life, how many children I have, she then saw how he was lying to her as well. I got the truth – a long 8 year relationship that resulted in her own divorce. My husband finally admitted it all, and his tune changed. He became desperate to save our marriage.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

It was hard to hear details from the o/w. But so much damage had been done. At that point I needed everything to make sense, I felt crazy. The truth forced him to make a choice. Were still trying to get through it, 1 1/2 years later.

Coach’s Comments:

The truth can hurt. But the truth does set one free also. That is the dilemma is it not?

Sometimes confronting the other person does reveal the truth. And, if one needs to eradicate that crazy-making feeling that arises in deception, confronting the other person becomes an option.

A by-product of this confrontation was the destruction of the triangle (the other woman saw his duplicity and his game was terminated.)

I applaud this person’s capacity to charge neutral in a very difficult situation.

Infidelity, Confrontation and Nonreactivity

What happens when you confront the other person?

How can you use it to your advantage.

In response to my survey:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I just wanted to know if my husband was telling the truth so I called her. Asked her if they are still seeing each other. Until now,I don’t think hubby knows that I called her.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Luckily,I had already read Dr. Huizenga’s Break-Free-From-The-Affair so I was charging neutral and it was a success.She confirmed what hubby said that he already ended it.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I learned and applied what I read from the e-book so I don’t think I’ll do it in any other way.

Coach’s comments:

Yes, charging neutral can be a powerful tool in maintaining one’s personal power in a confrontation.

Charging neutral is basically a refusal to react, internally and externally to the other person or your circumstances. You don’t flinch. You don’t react. You don’t give away your power. No one ruffles your feathers.

Easier said than done. But, when used, it often gets you exactly what you desire.