Confronting the other woman as a reaction, as an attempt to vent one’s hostility, to flail at the other woman usually does not work.
You may feel better, empowered, as some say, but to get a desired, targeted response is problematic.
Creating a script before hand and rehearsing that script offers the best opportunity to stand back and effectively confront the other person, getting the desired response.
These two case studies illustrate this point:
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do
She used to be one of my closest friends. I had tried to maintain some bit of a friendship after discovering their emotional affair (they had “only” held hands and kissed for 3 years!) but she had continued to pursue my partner. I asked her to explain what she was up to – probably in a more hostile manner than I intended when I decided to do it.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
She said she had nothing to explain. He was the one doing all the running. I was being unfair. They “didn’t do anything”, just had a “special friendship” and “everyone has a right to their secrets”.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
I would have stayed calmer and worked out a script in advance. Or, I wouldn’t have done it at all. I think I just fed her drama queen hunger and I was left feeling worse – and less secure – than before.
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
I never met her but sent some very angry emails. I didn’t know what to do with my rage. (the only time I’d felt it…what a horrible emotion. There was only one that I’d send over again which was “You are a fool. If I can’t trust him after 25 years, what makes you think you can?” My others were impulsive and mistakes.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
It brought the two of them closer giving them common ground.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
Altho I doubt it was possible, I learned I should not have been contacting either my husband or his “soulmate”. (Yuck). Looking back…I was fueling the situation.