Infidelity: Taking Away the Juice

March 11, 2010 by Leave a Comment

Charging neutral takes place when you refuse to play any games. You refuse to buy into the old patterns that created confusion, angst and destruction. This is often what is taught in marriage counseling.
In the case study below, note how charging neutral took away the “juice” that his spouse and the other person were obviously receiving from his participation in the triangle. As well, the man, in attempting to deal with his cheating wife, rediscovered his personal power.

Case Study #2:

I have just had a recent conversation with my wife, and although she currently lives with another man we are trying to get through this infidelity after 24 years of marriage. She filed for Divorce soon after leaving and moving in with her new lover. We are trying to settle our legal matters and I am informed by “him” that they are in love, and plan to get engaged and marry as soon as they get the divorce decree. Instead of ranting or raving or getting excited, I charged neutral and said “Well, that’s nice.”, in a calm tone, “maybe it will work for you.” I felt a silence at the other end that I felt surprisingly seemed to empower me. I said “I let go of her, you can have her now.” This seemed to take some of “his” power away; he didn’t know what to do with this because he thought being with my wife really bothered me, so the more I fussed the more it powered him, so I’ve learned a new technique. When I spoke with her I said, “So we should finish up and sign the Divorce papers so you can move on and get married” in a calm, confident tone. Again, there was a moment of silence. It was although she was expecting something else, for me to make a big fuss about it…..and…I didn’t. Then she tried to tell me what a great sex life they have together, great sex every night! I said, “That’s nice, good for you, maybe it’s what you needed.” So to me this felt more empowering, by taking away their power over me, to think it would tear me apart and hurt me more, but I wouldn’t let that happen. So although this is a work in progress, “Charging Neutral” can be very powerful when used at the right time. It will be interesting to see how long a “re-bound” marriage can last without giving time to heal from a previous one. I like to view it as he will be marrying “Mrs. Sampsonite”, because he’ll be carrying her baggage for a long time.

Charging neutral can be a powerful and empowering tool whether you know of the infidelity or only see signs of infidelity.

And, charging neutral is not a tool only used when facing infidelity or an extramarital affair. It can be used with tremendous benefits in all realms of life that tend to set us on edge.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , ,

Charging Neutral: Good-by Mrs. Samsonite

March 8, 2010 by Leave a Comment

When facing infidelity or extramarital affairs, charging neutral is a powerful too.

Charging neutral is an oxymoron. How can one CHARGE – more forward forcefully – and still be NEUTRAL.

The power of charging neutral lies in that seeming contradiction.

In the first case study below, of someone who intentionally used the power of charging neutral, please note particular themes.

1. Charging neutral is moving away from trying to attain particular results. Charging neutral is NOT results oriented.

2. Along with that, charging neutral keeps you focused on the present moment. You focus on what is happening in that moment. Your mind is not anticipating your next phrase or word or worried about his/her next response.

3. Charging neutral occurs when you move beyond your personal neediness in that moment. This is a tremendous challenge since, for most of us, our neediness runs below the surface of our lives and unknowingly controls our actions and responses.

4. Charging neutral means we learn from each encounter in the affair, whether it is emotional infidelity or a sexual affair. We become curious about who we are and how we respond.

Case Study:
My husband has been involved in a “I can’t say NO” type of affair. This summer he moved back to our town and out of her house (that was in another town). All in hopes from what he told me to work on rebuilding our relationship and get relationship help. Well as of Oct 1st he allowed her to move into his place here in our town. He didn’t have to come out and tell me. I knew from his actions and lack of communication on the subject what was going on. It’s been over 2 yrs now and I am just plain emotionally drained and can’t take this yo-yo emotional roller coaster any longer. After the weekend he came over to talk and cried about how ashamed he feels and lost about his life and the decisions he has and is making. I charged neutral…because I just plain don’t care about the outcome any longer. I am working on being his friend and supporting him to get counseling and the help he needs to find himself and the strength he needs to decide what he wants for his life and future. It’s been a long hard process to get to this point. So I learned that I don’t need him anymore…yes I would like to keep our family together but it is a nice want but no longer a need. That shifted my attitude to neutral and I feel it has shifted him too. He’s getting help to deal with this emotional hold she has on him and working toward ending it with her and we’ll see where that takes us. But I know now I will be okay with or without him in my/our life.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , ,

Charging Neutral: Beach and Taxes

March 7, 2010 by Leave a Comment

Charging neutral is a skill I teach that is at the core of presenting self in a way that often generates powerful results.

Here are two examples of charging neutral in action:

My husband likes to party at the beach with his “friends” who happen to be girls in their mid to late twenties. He is in his mid fifties. He knows I do not like it. He needed to spend the night and he said he would stay at one of the girls’ houses. I said, “That’s not appropriate,” and walked out of the room. I came back later and said, “If you want to go to the beach, go ahead. I don’t want you to stay home if you don’t want to.” I went into the bathroom to get ready for bed and did not say anything more about it. My tone was level and matter of fact. The next day he decided not to go.

When I had been in a car accident and didn’t recover instantly, my spouse justified dating by, of course, “the marriage made me do it” reasoning. “My girlfriend can do things with me that my wife can’t. She admires me for all the athletic things I can do that my wife doesn’t want (!) to do with me anymore, etc.” When he screwed up our taxes by filing a joint return and faking my signature on it, making me liable for his immense taxes, which I could never pay, this was too much. He also kept saying he had cut off communication with the woman and I found evidence that he had not. When I asked him about this, he said, “She admires me more than you do!” I simply said, “You haven’t done her taxes, have you?” And he said no more about it, and their association began to get some reality into it and after a few more truth-seeking expeditions, was evaporated.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , ,
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