Finding Infidelity Help with Abuse and Criticism

May 27, 2009 by 1 Comment

Finding support and help is important in facing infidelity. It is crucial in facing the “I Can’t Say No” type of affair which frequently includes some form of substance abuse.

So, I posed this questions to my readers:

What online or offline resources have you found helpful in dealing with abuse, criticism and blame from a cheating spouse and… how did you find them helpful?

Responses:

****I quickly got in touch with a local divorce group from a non-denominational church who offered varied support groups, and I am a Roman Catholic. Then, got in touch with both a psychiatrist for medication to help me thru the depression and rage, and a therapist to help me work thru my horrible feelings caused by the betrayal. Both offered support. But most of all, I didn’t HIDE what happened to me. I shared with everyone I could, even strangers, that this bastard had a secret/double life. I needed to hear over and over again that HIS DECISION WASN’T MY FAULT!!!! It was his choice and way of dealing with the personal crisis in our lives at the time, whatever it be. I allowed myself periodic pity parties to vent the emotional turmoil I was feeling, either alone, or on others shoulders. Whatever it took.

****Counseling and a same sex support group of friends. He has no support group but his counselor who he sees only when convenient. Divorce Care meetings at a local church even when separated. They have a daily GREAT email too. marriagevine.com has a great daily email too.

****You always wonder if how you were thinking was right and knowing how the triangle situation works and how the partys will react etc Now knowing some of this makes me wish I had more insight previously it would have saved me a lot of agony and also been able to handle the situation better instead of buying into the manipulation that was happening and my nature being as it is created more of a problem because i am an enabler …very insightful ..thank you

****Chatting to others in similar situations…

****My husband has been having an emotional, escalated to a physical affair with his barmaid for 4 years now. He refuses to give her up and is a classic #4. Along with the blame and anger he projected at me he began to be physically violent ( something that NEVER happened in 17 years of marriage). The incidents were rare and not extreme.( a slap, a shove, etc..). I warned him that If he ever touched me again that I would call the police. He came home and was intimidating me. I tried to lock him out of the bedroom and he slammed me behind the door. Well my foot is fractured and now has a screw in it and I am in a cast. I called the police and filed a PFA against him the next day. They went to his place of work ( he is the boss-owner) to serve him. He is not allowed anywhere near me. He is sorry now and wants to seek counseling. I don’t know what I will do yet. But I know that he will NEVER touch me in anger EVER again. He is a prominent business man who thinks he is invincible. I do not know if he is sincere or if I care, but take my advice. Next time …CALL THE COPS.

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Surviving the Affair: Emotions and Blame

February 3, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Surviving the affair after discovery means bumping into powerful, gut-wrenching feelings.

How does one cope with those feelings? From where does relief emerge?

I find the emotions stirred are often tied to the sense that “I am to blame for this. I am responsible for his/her affair. I didn’t do x y and z and now this.”

Moving through this myth helps decrease the pain of the feelings.

Read what some of my readers of “Break Free From the Affair” have to say:

It helped me understand my emotions and what decisions I needed to make to remove myself from the situation. It helped me stay away once I realized I was being blamed as the cause.

Well, I had no clue whatsoever about what to do, how to handle my emotions. The book has helped me to sort through my feelings and helped me to stop the mistakes I had already started to make. Am not sure if my marriage can be safe, but want to apply some points and see what happens. My husband is very much the category 7 and he is very proud….so I will see. I do not really want a divorce, but do know that things have to change, otherwise I do want a divorce!

I feel more empowered and less angry since figuring out what type of affair it is. It has allowed me to put strategies that work into effect as well as stop using destructive strategies.

I was able to exibit more self-control and do things that were potentially more helpful to rebuilding my marriage as oppose to hurting it.

Charging Neutral was a very helpful concept. Attempting to assess the type of affair(s) my husband might be in was also useful. I also participated in a completely unrelated work event around the same time that I was reading your material and was reminded that we each have the opportunity to rewrite our own script/story any time….and by rewriting my approach to my husband was able to renew our closeness enough to broach the subject of infidelity….so they worked hand in hand.

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