Resources for Surviving Infidelity & Addiction

I periodically check with my readers to find out what resources are being used to help survive infidelity.

I share some of the comments, with hope that others might try on those resources and perhaps find help.

I have a couple responses today.

The second response is a story – a story I hear frequently from those struggling with the #2 Affair, “I Can’t Say No.” Abuse, neglect and erratic behavior often characterizes this kind of affair. And, this kind of affair is often coupled with alcoholism or other addictions. I’ve included all of her story. I know some of you can relate.

Last week I had contact with a site that offers support for additions. You might want to learn more if you face an “I Can’t Say No” affair.

>>>>>I find especially helpful reading Dr Huizenga;s emails. I go to the library and read anything and everything I can. I bought the inner core strength cd. I listen to this all the time. I love her voice and I find it easier to trust her voice then Managing stress and anxiety cd. Her nurture is what I need right now. I seem to hover in that safe place she creates for me.

>>>>>This is the main resource I have for getting helpful information along with alanon. I have a story that is still making my head spin. I believe I am the “I want to get back at him/her affair.” He walked out on me and my 2 children about 5 months ago when I started pressuring him about getting help for his alcohol problem and gave him an ultimatum to get help or leave. I never thought he would leave his family. We have been married for 25 years and been together for 30. I thought we meant everything to him. He acted like we did. We were childhood sweet hearts and he acted like he lived for his family even with his alcohol problem he seemed to keep us first. My kids have been just as shocked as me; he came and cleaned out all his clothes while we weren’t there. He met another woman a month later and carried on with her for a couple of months as far as I know it’s over, maybe, maybe not. The kids say she drinks as much as he does. He has avoided talking to me telling me anything about his life but he sure try’s to keep an eye on our life. He is very aloof. He lost his job of 11 years about 6 weeks ago and now we have no insurance nor do I have any child support. I found out that he borrowed against half the 401K the first month he was gone and after he got fired he took out the rest and tried to keep it all from me and the kids. He said he was going to give me part of it but then I found out he got a DWI and I guess he figured he needed it all for himself so he kept lying to me and said he hadn’t received it, but I knew better all he does is lie. My step Dad managed to corner him and get him to the bank to take out the last few thousand for us, while I managed to get a hold of his brief case and take all the paper work out without him knowing and I found out more than I ever wanted to know. He had another child that is almost 5 years old and being sued for support by the mother. She is half his age and worked at his place of business but is no longer there now. He found out a year ago the child was his, and been living with this and hiding it from me. I know it was eating him alive. Now I have to ask myself how many more affairs were there. He was always home with us except for a few late nights at work and long trips to the store or gas station. I do believe there had to be more than one affair. He seemed so devoted to us that it left us all in shock like someone had died. Family and friends were shocked as well. This man seemed to be crazy about his family. He told me about this affair 3 weeks after he left and said it was 4 years ago, I couldn’t figure out why he would wait this long to tell me about it. He said he was ashamed, But he never came clean about the child. I knew there was more to it. He told me that I didn’t pay any attention to him and that he didn’t feel appreciated by me. He said he thought I will show her. He said I distanced from him first. I filed for divorce 2 days ago after being apart 5 months. He has left me no choice, he is getting in trouble financially and who knows what else he is doing. He is not concerned about the children or there well being, its like he has lost his mind. Getting any information out of him sense he left is like pulling teeth. When I found out he was seeing another woman from the kids he told me that was no big deal they were mainly friends. I’m not playing that game and he knows it so he told me he’s not seeing her anymore and started trying to get closer to me and the kids until I found out about the 401K and the child. Now none of us talk to him. My kids don’t want anything to do with him either. There was one time during this whole time he humbled himself to me after he lost his job and was broke and called crying to me telling me he lost everything that had ever meant any thing to him and didn’t mean to do it and ask if he cleaned himself up was there another chance for us and I told them just clean yourself up and then we will discuss that. But he only got worse after that, he got in the accident and got the DWI. He seems cold and acts as thou he has done nothing wrong even after he knows I know about the child now. No I’m sorry, no remorse of any kind shown. He is letting us have the home and all the contents. Sometimes I wonder if my kids and I are ever going to heal from this ordeal.

David Duchovny and characteristics of sex addiction

The headlines read this morning: David Duchovny Enters Rehab for Sex Addiction

There are no details on the extent of his sexual addiction, but applaud him for seeking treatment. I would assume his sexual addiction was at the point of severely eroding his life.

Infidelity and extramarital affairs can contain components of sexual addiction, although not all infidelity is based on sexual addiction. I describe an affair type (#2) as “I Can’t say no” (found in my ebook: Break Free From the Affair) which displays sexual addiction.

Here are a few characteristics:

1. Sexual activity is often frequent and diverse. For example, porn, multiple sex partners, strip clubs and serial infidelity are ways of acting on this obsession.

2. Sexual addiction is tied to fear. There is the the fear being discovered, the belief that one is “abnormal” and the fear of losing family, marriage, vocation, and reputation.

3. Sexual addiction is usually characterized by a promise/failure cycle. After the sexual behavior the person usually experiences guilt/fear and internally and/or externally promises, “No more.” However s/he again drifts toward the sexual acting out behavior. Life is like a roller coaster with a series of broken promises.

4. True intimacy is rare. Others become objects for personal gratification.

5. Sexual addiction can occur as one attempts to work out issues of sexual confusion and/or abuse stemming from his/her history.

6. A person sexually addicted often lives in a distorted world. The object of his/her addictions assumes an all encompassing magnitude. As the addiction becomes more ingrained s/he may “split” his/her world and seeming live a dual life.