Abuse, specifically verbal/mental and sometimes physical, can characterize the “I Can’t Say No” affair.

The type of affair is often bound by addictions and the greater the pull of the addiction, the more intense and frequent the abuse.

The first case study below illustrates an “I Can’t Say NO” affair in later stages of disintegration. The cheating husband is locked into persistent abusive behaviors to which the spouse finds a way to cope.

In the second case, the intensity level is less and words do have an impact on the cheating and disrespectful spouse.

Case study 1:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

I have been in 2 very abusive marriages and the one I am in now for the last 7 years has been very verbally, physically abusive and unfaithful. I removed myself and my child from the home and we now live elsewhere. He pursued me for 4 years while abusing and accusing me intermingled with begging, pleading and wanting sex while going to counseling (that did not help it made it worse as he would manipulate the counselor).

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

I have prayed for many years and now I love him with boundaries and have blessed him with kindness from a distance and he is changing. His behavior has caught up with him and the consequences are many for him in his body and mind. He is still full of anger (he admitted that) jealousy and is addicted to drugs now smokes and drinks. I do none of those things and My life is going well. I always wished I could love him when he was being revolting toward me – I love what Cloud and Townshend (Boundaries) said at times your need for justice is bigger than your capacity to love. Now with boundaries in place and also dealing with my hurts and issues I can love and bless him and wait for God to change him.

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

I am spoken to with great disdain or as though I am stupid. He will act irrationally and immaturely like a victim instead or talking things through with me like two adults would. He says mean things about our dogs like how they should be put to sleep.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

I am not afraid of him leaving anymore. I ask him to stop talking about the dogs that way. Or I will ask him if his comments make him feel better. I also confronted him and pointed out that he was discarding us and how he was doing the same to us as his parents did to him. I asked him if he wanted to continue the pattern.