Learn How “Meeting His/Her Needs” Won’t Work with a Narcissist and How You can Effectively Rattle His/Her Cage to Save Your Sanity and Perhaps the Marriage

Here’s a review of a coaching session with Becky. Read and scroll down to find out how you can be one of the first 50 to receive a special offer on this soon-to-be-published Live Taped Infidelity Coaching Series.

1. “Meeting the needs” of a narcissist doesn’t work. You are asking for trouble. “Meeting his/her needs only fans the narcissism. The underlying message is, “Yes, you (the narcissist) really are entitled to receive everything. You are the center of the universe. Whatever you want is yours. You deserve it.” The narcissist expects more. And more. And more.

A couple other dynamics play themselves out. First, seldom does the narcissist reciprocate the need meeting process. It’s not intentional. S/he just never thinks about it. After all, others are to serve him/her.

Second, the narcissist will come to resent you when you placate and serve him/her. S/he will not acknowledge you as a person with opinions, needs and desires at best. And at worst s/he will come to despise you as a person s/he perceives to be weak.

2. With that said, I don’t believe Rich, Becky’s husband, is a full blown narcissist. I judge his narcissistic behaviors to be situational and not an engrained part of his personality or what he consistently displays as a coping pattern in his life.

Rich is not a philander I describe in Break Free From the Affair. Becky does not report a string of affairs or other women or sexual conquests. Rich has an affair with one woman for the past year and a half.

There is something more to Rich.

His anger, bordering on rage at times, and his blaming Becky for all his ills point to some characteristics of “My Marriage Made Me Do It.”

Her reporting of his internet activity as well as porn “addiction” as she calls it, might indicate elements of addictive tendencies in “I Can’t Say No.” And his inability to manage chunks of his life and perhaps the graphic sexual nature of his affair may indicate “I Need to Prove My Desirability.”

Although there is no clear cut pattern for Rich, I start with “I Don’t Want to Say No” since it appears his narcissistic behavior stands front and center, often with a vengeance.

3. Becky also reports a value crisis. She, and perhaps he, thought they had it all – beautiful home, healthy daughter, great neighborhood and financial security. It appears it is crumbling around them.

A value base is crucial for Becky. She attempts to live by her values (as in keeping a marriage together.) And she has worked hard to order her life and family around her value base. Now, she is losing it all, and she can’t fix it.

Becky reports that Rich might also be questioning what they had and what they really want. Is Rich struggling with success? Is he concerned about “making it?” What has been Rich’s struggle to manage the change in their lives? Is he able to “get it up and keep it up” especially in an intimate relationship with his wife? (Sex is often the window to our soul!)

4. Becky’s husband is sending mixed messages, a clear indication he doesn’t have a clue of what he really wants. Does he merely want the excitement and titillation of sex? Does he want the stability of a marriage with Becky? Does he want to run away? stay?

He says he wants a divorce, but it’s been a 18 months and he hasn’t filed. What gives? Without accurate input and feedback from her husband, Becky is left in a vacuum and to her own devices in forging her future.

5. Becky’s strategy of trying to win him back by meeting his needs and avoiding conflict hasn’t worked. It probably has enabled the deterioration of the relationship.

Becky does elicit a very strong response from him when she pushes toward the truth. When she begins using some of my one-liners, targeting the future consequences which WILL emerge he goes a little ballistic. Hit a nerve! But, rather than continuing this strategy while charging neutral, she backs away.

This is understandable. Dramatically changing strategies in mid-stream without a backdrop of support and encouragement is extremely difficult to maintain.

Future coaching with Becky would focus on honing and implementing what I call in Break Free From the Affair, problemizing.

Again, from Break Free From the Affair, the chapter on “I Don’t Want to Say No” are some guidelines for healthy confrontation:

?? Point out the consequences you see occurring already or the consequences he doesn’t see or isn’t taking very seriously.
?? Help him see the upcoming costs and how this is threatening his quality of life with that which might be more important to him today (you and his family).
?? If he doesn’t seem to hear you, point out stories of others who have gone down the same path as he.
?? Try to stick with him in the conversation when he dismisses, argues, charms, minimizes, denies, smirks, defends, attacks or otherwise does the thing he typically does to keep others away from the reality of his life.


Before I offer?my Live taped coaching sessions?to the public, I’ve asked my Newsletter subscribers to listen to them and give feedback.

And, wow, the responses have been mind-blowing.

You hear their story. You hear the struggle. You hear the questions. You follow their story (maybe similar to yours) as it moves to steps of resolution and hope.

I’m going to offer the first 50 people a chance to get a very special offer. By the response I’ve been getting, once they are released, they will be gone.

Please go here to learn more about Becky and sign up to be one of the first 50!


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