Just Leave the Bum

I came across again today a person struggling with whether to stay or go.

The affair had been going on (and off… and on) for a long time. Friends and family gave the advice: leave!

But, there is an investment. He’s a good father, good provider and an emotional attachment forged over the years.

But one tires and gets weary of the elephant in the room. Eventually, some day that weariness, that tension emerges with more power and it seems as if a decision is looming. More chips are thrown on the table.

Is this bad? Is this good? I prefer not to sit in judgment. It just is. And it IS common. People who care, people who are determined, people who become attached to relationships find it most difficult to make this life altering decision of whether to stay or go.


  1. This is exactly where i am right now. I think it may be more ‘habit’ than love…? Or is it? How can you tell when yu are constantly hurt by the lies? How authentic is a hug from him if he still sneaks off to see her? How could I stay and put up with it? I’ve been married 30 years and it’s tough to think of, all of a sudden, living alone. I wish I had enough confidence to do it right now. I am 57. Not getting any younger. Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks.

  2. My H had and affair for 8-9 or the 17 years of our marriage. I found out a year and a half ago. I tried soooo hard the first 9 months or so to be the best spouse, lover, friend I could. I tried to do all the things I read here and everywhere else. For me, I am the larger wage earner so I didn’t stay with him because I was afraid to be alone. But he continued to swear he was not in contact with her. Then I would happen upon (I stopped seriously looking after about 9 months) a text.. “I love you, want to… with you” between them.

    Then we would argue and upset the kids. He would say he “fell off the wagon” and wouldn’t contact her… He was in therapy and was lying to his therapist about contacting her. We were in counselling together and he lied there too.

    I told him I didn’t have one more “discovery of his lies to me” “in me”… Every time we got close again, then I found his lie, a little bit of my love for him died. I finally got to the point where I said I wasn’t going to check his phones and emails again… I just didn’t care, it was up to him to live his life honorably, not me to police him.

    Well, he came back from a trip with a gift from her that he had taken with him, a love letter she had written him and her credit card in his backpack. While he was gone he swore he would not talk to her again. But his phone bill said otherwise.

    It was like a switch went off inside me. There was no love left in me for him. I tried so hard but there was just too much hurt and anger in me after a year and a half of this….

    Now he has “discovered” he was a “sex addict” and she was his “addiction” and that’s why he couldn’t give her up. That the “addiction” was more important than his children, his wife and his marriage of 17 years. Well, to me she was his lover not his addiction. I think that was an excuse. Did I mention he had children with her, and apartment with her and lead essentially a dual life? Oh, and she is married too and has other boyfriends….

    Sorry I am writing a book here but telling my story is helping me heal. This is so new.

    But I feel freer, lighter, I smile more easily and my friends can see a happier me. Yes, many told me to ditch him but many also were supportive of my attempts to stay with him and work it out. I worked hard to make it work. He was all about himself. Every little stress in his day he would run to her for comfort. Ironically his affair caused a lot of the stress in his life but he felt so good in his fantasy world with her he couldn’t stay away.

    And now he is begging me to take him back. My feeling is that when I threw him out and meant it is when he really saw what he was doing. Until then it seemed like he knew I really didn’t mean it when I asked him to leave me and that I would continue to put up with his lies. And I guess I didn’t before, but this time I did… I don’t know but to me it looked like he thought he could get away with having her and me both. He said he didn’t know what he was doing and couldn’t control himself…

    It got down to this for me… If I am not important enough to him after all this time then I didn’t need this. He still says he loves me but I don’t love him anymore. I can’t will myself to love him. I’m sorry it took this for him to realize what he was doing. I need to take care of myself. I’m not perfect either but I need to listen to what MY HEART tells me, not what he wants (to stay with me, now after all this.)

    Listen to your heart, love yourself first. You can’t love someone else until you love yourself. Do that and see what your gut tells you. I think those of us in this situation have ignored what their gut tells them because it tells us painful truths.

    Good luck.. My heart goes out to you

  3. No one can tell you what to do. You yourself have to “open” your own eyes to see what is going on and do you want to continue in your relationship, “as is.” Here is my story, I hope it helps you…Three years ago, my husband left me (I had one daughter in High School living at home; our older daughter was in college, same town, but dorm-living). Our relationship had not been good for a long time, but I stayed in the marriage, keeping busy raising our two daughters. He NEVER wanted to wear his wedding ring (red flag) but I bought his “reasons.” He never came home right after work…said he was out with work buddies. He came home sauced, so again, I bought the stories because he came home every night. Earlier this year, I discovered, through cell phone records (I pay the bill), that my husband had been frequently calling and speaking with a female. I confronted him and he confessed he had moved in with her when he left us three years ago. He said they had been speaking, for three months, trying to get “closure.” They had been speaking as friends. I told him there was no way he should be this person’s friend. Anyway, I forgave him and remained, but he refused to go to counseling with me, so I went alone. Well, my gut kept telling me this was not the whole story. Through more investigatons, I found he had been having an affair with this woman (20 years younger than he) for eight years! Eight years, out of our 24-year marriage. I was devastated because I had no idea. I let him have it, verbally and told him to leave our home. His secrets and lies (even if the affair did end three years ago) were too much for me – she is now married but still contacts him at work, from time to time and while he doesn’t answer the phone, he listens to her messages and songs she plays. That is unacceptable and shows me no respect. Bingo! For me: Respect is what a spouse MUST get from the relationship. If there is no respect then there is no relationship. I am still two weeks, fresh, into this and plan to contact a lawyer soon. I hope you get some insight from my story and know that you are a very special person and deserve to be treated as such, even if it is only you respecting yourself.

  4. After 14 years of marriage and some ups and downs my husband informed me 4 months ago he has lost all “feelings for me” is not “in love with me”- but does love me and cares for me. At first he denied another woman- but 6 weeks into this mess he finally confessed he has “feelings” for another woman and she has “feelings” for him again I am sure another lie but he says he has not “acted ” on those feelings- I dont know weather to believe him or not. I feel so betrayed- lied to and hurt. I want to forgive and rebuild our marriage but right now he isnt sure if he will ever fall back in love with me. We are currently going to a counselor but my husband is not following up with what the counselor has told us to do.
    I am an emotional wreck- I cant eat- I cant sleep I can not focus- I am taking anti depressants that help some but I am still consumed by this lack of him wanting to rebuild our marriage.
    Please if anyone can help me I am desperate

  5. I’ve just done this … asked him to leave because he wanted to remain friends with her and have lunch with her daily (he works with her).

    I don’t feel any better!

    I feel like I’ve swapped one set of problems for another. I have more responsibilities caring for my 3 kids and house, have less money in which to do it, look like having to sell the family home and take the kids out of private school, the kids aren’t happy (they were when we were together because we’re good friends and ran a “happy” family) and in fact my son is angry with me for kicking Dad out of the house.

    Yes living with him when he refused to take responsibility for the affair or the pain it caused was miserable … but so is this.

    Yes I wasn’t respected or loved the way a wife should be … but I’m still not loved or respected and he’s still not taking responsibility for his actions.

    I think MORE about him and her now than I did when he was coming home to me each night. I weaken more so about my feelings and needs and email him to let him know.

    My psychiatrist just increased my anti-depressants again and said they are now permanent part of my life :( He asked if I had hope … laugh … hope that my husband will be “nice” and let us stay in the family home?

    It’s not any better.

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