Infidelity Quickie #5: How Could She Do This?

Learn from these real life extramarital affair coaching scenarios.

In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.

I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.

The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.

Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:

I spend alot of the time thinking about how she could do this to our family. Going over the last 9 months and all of the events and arguments seems to get me no peace. She has filed for a divorce and I still cannot believe that she would tear apart not only my world but also our two daughter’s world also. I am low, depressed and wondering/hoping that this will end. It is absolutely the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I live somewhere else and all I want to do is go home and make her happy but she doesn’t want me. It’s in God’s hands all I can do is worry about my kids. My wife of 13 years has left me for a fantasy!

Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach

  • Spend time understanding the patterns. Break Free From the Affair will help you with that.
  • Be gracious with the fact that you need to “understand?? to achieve some peace.
  • Allow yourself to feel the sadness.

Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:

  • I hope we can have some kind of resolution. I’m working hard to learn, understand and grow from this.
  • It is important that we have some resolution, or at least come to some point soon where we can constructively talk about the care and welfare of our children.

What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.


  1. it has been almost a year that i discovered the affair and took drastic mesures to stop it… i guess i succeeded, but what was broke has never been fixed. my spouse says loves me, that it was a mistake, that it was a fantasy and blah, blah, blah, but something inside me can?t bear the idea of living with a person that hurt me so badly … my instincts keep telling me RUN… but i do want to love, to forgive… tried sending letters, writing poems and other things but everything ended hurting me more… felt like garbage with no value… what should i do to relight that flame of love that used to burn inside my chest? is it possible? should i wait more? has anyone passed thru this? i believe my spouse finished the relationship with the other person, but i guess i found my limit: can?t stand anymore… of course there the kids, the house, the changes, the divorce and all the trouble and i don?t want my dream to end like this, but i can?t help myself… what to do? i have been overwhelmed by pain, by hurt. it?s sad to feel defeated by myself. need help.

  2. Hi JMC,

    I have been through the same soul searching and have come out on the other side. I sooo get what you are asking, saying and feeling! It’s been just under 2 years for me. Two years of H making promises and breaking them (as if the affair wasn’t a bad enough promise to break!)he continued to say I will tell you if she calls blah, blah, blah. Continued to “be nice” to her. (right…she deserves kindness I don’t apparently lol) Only to find out, with no help from him, that he had talked to her and by doing so he had disrespected/disregarded me once again! I felt like maybe I was speaking in a foreign language…like Martian or something! It seemed so simple to me: “This relationship you have with her is hurting me and us. If you love me like you say you do prove it. I need proof.” I can tell you with certainty that eventually this will all make sense to you AND then YOU will decide if what your spouse has to offer is enough for you. In the meantime, honor how you feel right now. Grieve, cry, scream, sleep; whatever you feel right now IS the right thing IMHO. It is normal and like all things in life, it will pass. It’s just a stop on life’s superhighway. Sometimes we have to slow down and pay the toll. The gate WILL lift and you WILL proceed on to the next leg of the journey. As for the flame…it goes out, understandably, when it has been doused by lies and deceipt. And that’s a good thing or we would forever be a doormat; allowing someone else to co-opt our lives by being a “hostage” to love. I actually don’t believe the flame actually goes out. It’s just on low burn. The hardest thing for me to remember when I was at the stage you are in right now is that what he did had NOTHING to do with me! My mind was whirling too. Too, too much to think about! However, know this, unless your spouse is asking for a divorce or unless your spouse is abusing you physically (or if for ANY reason you feel threatened or unsafe!) you do not have to make all those decisions today. You can make those decisions at any point in time! Tomorrow will be soon enough if waiting another day, or week, or month takes some of the pressure off of you now. And I know this may sound ridiculous, but you must remember to BREATHE! Like they teach in LaMaze classes breathe thru the pain! :-)

  3. JMC,

    One more thing to mention here…I leanred an awful lot about myself in the process. I learned that I had a primal scream, that I could be a raving lunatic, that I could actually stay is bed waaay longer than I ever dreamed possible. I learned that I feel desperate, that I could lose all my self-esteem. This is quite shocking while going through it, but once on the other side, I learned I am HUMAN afterall. I do have limits. I do need respect. I have a FULL range of emotions at my disposal. And that was quite enlightening! Hang in there. You are asking all the right questions, you are doing all the right things. {{JMC}}

  4. Having been with two cheats in a row, I am massively unimpressed with men. One cheated because I was abroad and he was low ~ I found out a year after the event. Ironically, the cheating I forgave, yet dumped the man because of the lies he told me ~ something he still fails to understand. Lies [which continued despite discovery] are what shatter trust. And with my trust shattered, I changed ~ and not into someone I wanted to be. Constant worry, + going over it in my mind finding flaws in the story was not a place I wanted my head to be at. On seeing that train of thought was ongoing and the full truth never was forthcoming, I left the silly boy.

    Incidentally, one thing I noticed during the altercations was his blaming everyone but himself for the affair. First it was my fault [for being away], then it was her fault [for “throwing herself” at him] but he was never at fault, never “responsible” for what happened. From this I learnt that I do not want a man who doesn’t take responsibility for his deeds. And since then I’ve noticed that men who DO take responsibility for their own deeds are extremely rare. Well, taking responsibility is surely what quantifies us as adults, so I can safely say that there are few men on earth, just lots of little boys.

    Next time round, I thought I found a man. A journalist of heroic international reknown. Initially he seemed in touch with his feelings and able to discuss things in an adult way. I used to spend 2 weeks of every 6 with him, either I’d fly to wherever he was working or he’d fly to me. It took me a while to find out the truth, but I did: he viewed women as nothing more than interchangable objects and it turned out I wasn’t the only woman he was inviting on those trips. [On discovery, I did ask what he’d have done had 2 of us ever said yes to the same one.] He also became increasingly abusive over time, with lots of put downs. By the end of our relationship, he became insanely jealous if I so much as spoke to anyone else ~ even another female. At parties I was expected to lavish attention only on him or to sit silent and look “pretty” as an adornment while he bathed in his own glory, but I do have a brain, a personality and a few good stories of my own. Interestingly, I did notice early on that he was extremely curt with his mother on the phone any time she called. He also put her down a lot. I do firmly believe a man’s attitude towards his own mother speaks volumes about his attitude towards women generally.

    Both men were very different, but in the case of both of them I have not discovered the truth because they were honest; far from it. In both instances it’s been due to hints from others, leading to observant investigation [by me] before a cleverly thought out confrontation, where I do not tell them exactly what I know, just that I DO know and I expect them to tell ME! That was their chance to save us; with the truth. Both failed miserably. Both had sworn undying love, and continued to do so even after the event. Both have tried repeatedly to get back with me since I left them ~ and received absolute refusal.

    One thing that has really changed my attitude is this: I was in therapy when the last relationship ended. The treatment was to get me past the trauma of a very nasty accident. I discussed my ex with the therapist, as I had only just split from him and he was trying hard to resume the relationship at that time. My therapist told me it was a bad idea to take him back. His conclusion: it was not *the right time* for me to be seeing anyone romantically… but he said if I DID, then the man would have to be very caring [and he stated that my ex was not!]. That’s when I did some more observing of my past, of people I knew and of strangers, and I realised that caring men are also a little thin on the ground.

    Since that time I have been single for two years. It’s a choice I made then and I remain both comfortable and happy with it. Don’t get me wrong; were I to find a caring, responsible adult male tomorrow, I would give him a chance but the fact is I’d have more luck finding a unicorn. I don’t even waste my time looking. I have established my own business over those 2 years and I am proud of my achievements. My head is busy with problem solving of a creative nature these days, not worrying about some fool who can’t keep his pants on. On the rare occasion I do think back on the men I dated, I smile at the lucky escape I made. I know absolutely they weren’t worthy of me, my time, my thoughts or my energy. I still get the occasional mail from them ~ and I ignore them.

    So I’m on this site today because I received an email with an interesting title and followed it. I see the heartbreak and torture so many of you are going through and I think *thank God I am not in that hell any more* but also I feel for you. What advice can I give, as someone who’s been there?

    Stop torturing yourself with the question: *Does HE still want me?* and ask yourself this instead: *Do I still want him?* Too few women ever truly ask themselves that question. All our lives, women are taught to seek approval from others ~ especially male approval. Well hang on a second, because that is a con! It stops you from asking the question yourself: Do YOU approve? Really, do you? Put the boot on the other foot now [and keep it there; it’s your wits].

    Finally, if a man does not think enough of you to tell you the truth, respect you, and treat you as an equal in the partnership what on earth are you doing with him? If he’s been caught out yet still doesn’t tell the whole truth and mend his ways, respect YOURSELF and leave the fool behind. There’s more enjoyable things in life than worrying about where a dirty dog is and the sooner you move on from him, the sooner you can start to enjoy life again free of that [frankly ridiculous] worry. Go sisters!

  5. lioness
    Wow that was great reading and i think good advice, The only problem is in the question Do you still want him and the difficulty in that is most will say yes why i think is because they are desperate for what they once had, they have kids and try to think of them, because they have kids they may be somewhat dependant on them and unfortunately until they can find the path to the road you speak of much of where they are takes a long time to work through , a long time to regain strength from the downfall to see things in that way. One day most of them likely will but it is quite a hurdle to surpass and in my opinion is scarier for a woman esp with kids to face. I do absolutely support what you say.respect yourself such good advice. If someone else were to tell their stories to themselves their advice would likely be leave them but it is so hard to tell yourself that but you make some amazing points, and is great food for thought Thanks

  6. Lioness,

    You are so correct when you talk about respect. I am not a psychologist, but I did dig around the internet for some possible explanations for hu husband’s behavior. Naturally, it’s easy to think that the affair is the biggest problem, but I thought back to all “noteworthy” behaviors from the past (and I have 3 kids and a 25 yr marriage) I found I had a treasure trove of information already! Little things that never sat right with me, arguments that always felt circular to me; small lies, “jokey” teasing. He is a guy who feels life need only be fun (his favorite word!) Problem solve? He can’t do it! Take resposibility? No thanks. He’ll get back to me on that…lol

    I did it all! I am exaggerating ever so slightly. (he would do something for me if he was 99percent sure we would have sex that night :-)

    Ah…respect. I conclude: We teach people to respect us when we role model self-respect.

    You rock, Lioness!! Glad you followed that link :-)

  7. Hello Shennie and Nicki. Thank you for the responses. I’m glad that advice was useful to you in some way.

    I do understand that it’s a different situation when you have kids. The problem is perhaps rooted in the fact that many women give themselves up to become wife and mother ~ until one day it feels like that’s ALL they are. Everyone knows it’s important to keep your own interests and friends, but women are the ones who let that slip. Your own things going on is a must in order to stop yourself literally getting lost in the roles of the people you are for others. Most of the women I know who’ve been most successful at keeping their own lives bubbling with friends and interesting hobbies are in fact single, working mothers. And I find that ironic ~ I mean, shouldn’t they be MORE pressed for time than their married counterparts? Evidently not.

    Conversely, the man somehow gets to keep his own ID. Not so lost in his roles, he tends to retain his friends and his time out. So it seems almost as if the woman climbs into the male when she gets married. And as time progresses, she gets lost in there. Strange then, how women are usually the ones pushing to settle down ~ In fact we have the least to gain in terms of health, happiness and even life expectancy. Marriage actually extends a man’s life and shortens a woman’s. Marriage reduces a woman’s confidence but increases a man’s. Marriage makes a man happy and a woman depressed. Of course this is oversimplification for the sake of brevity, and there are indeed exceptions besides, but it seems this grim truth is the norm. And looking at the couples I know who remain together, I can safely say the women are indeed long suffering, each and every one of them.

    So why is it that women are the ones who tend to push for marriage in the first place? Why do we believe it will be sweetness and light for us, even tho the evidence around us clearly shows this is not the case? And in regard to the rather strong statements I made above about the negative/positive affects of marriage upon a woman/man, properly gathered scientific data wholly supports these facts ~ you can find it in a book entitled *Backlash*, along with a whole raft of other information that will shock and surprise you but which helps you make an informed decision about where your life is headed. Frankly I beleive it’s essential reading for every woman, be she coupled up or not. If you are going through a difficult time in your marriage tho, it will certainly help you find your own strength. Just beware; it may leave you with the urge to boot him out the door! I read it at the same time as I was undergoing the therapy I referred to in my previous post. And I do believe the timing of those two things combined, in unison with seeing through my git-of-an ex will keep me single for the rest of my days. On one level that could be construed a shame, but that level involves a myth in my opinion. In reality, I can’t help feeling I’ve been spared.

    Talking frankly, it is easy for me to be this way because I’ve always been very independent. Please bear that in mind when you read my posts ~ I don’t want to push anyone to leave a marriage that may be mendable. If you think you can make it work and have a huge investment in it already, then do try. And of course marriage is a partnership [tho as Nicki says, not always with equal shares!] so it does take work to make it work. Little crinkles to iron out and all that. Even infidelities can be gotten over; as I mentioned in the first post, I would have wholeheartedly forgiven my first ex his transgression HAD he been straight when the time came for the truth. I really could have let it go. But lies are not OK and this needs to be made clear in simple terms. Ongoing lies despite discovery are the killer tho. They are what completely destroy trust, and at the root of those kind of lies is not some altruistic care for our hurt feelings, but a man trying to ensure he gets off as scot free as possible, make no mistake. I don’t beleive any woman is better of staying with that kind of man. If he really means “sorry” he will tell you the truth about what he’s apologising for. If he says “sorry” whilst still feeding you those same lies to save his own skin, that sorry is just plain rubbish. He’s a waste of space and no role model for your kids in the first place ~ better to have one strong parent than a pair comprised of one lying, cheat and another too fearful to leave him. My own mother brought more than a handful of us up alone, while working and paying for everything herself. All of us turned out extremely well; she was an excellent role model. And she did actually give him a second chance when I was around 7 years old; that was the most awful time of my childhood. I had never seen my mother so embattled nor so unhappy as she was when he came back. The rows were horrendous ~ definitely not something a child benefits from. It’s for sure my own attitude towards these things take some reference from that point in time; the decision not to ever live that way.

  8. Lioness
    You are so right, it is our own faults as we take on that role thinking things will be ok and that by sacrificing ourselves for children and to be wife will make it right does not always work.
    I have learned and am slowly implemented some me first in my own life as it doesnt always come back as it should , you only become a doormat sadly. I am going to definately read that book. and you are also right about the fact that infidelity can be forgiven but its the lies that follow that cannot. they cannot seem to admit or own what they have done, or should i better say yes they say im sorry, i made a mistake, then still continue to find a way to lie to actually undermine those statements as if there is really justification for it. He is a lousy parent and frankly i am doing better in many other ways without him than i was with him I feel that having not only taken the resp of them and stood up for myself and my morals has shown them I am worthy and a good role model and it will at the very least have taught them not to let people shit on you as such. After my ex left and visited only a handful of times that first year before awolling us for the next 2 yrs plus, when he did come one of my children was so angered by him and he chose to not really talk and deal with her properly, she avoided him and upon his leaving the visit i would have all the kids say good bye and give him a hug. Well I just had a convo with that daughter who is know 16, 4 yrs after the fact and she confided to me that the only thing she is upset about now, is that I made her come and give him a hug as he left. She said dont you ever do that to me again, it gave me the sickest feeling that has stuck with me and a feeling I will never forget, she said i didnt want to do it and you shouldnt have made me, I told her i was very sorry but i only encouraged her to do it so this idiot would realize the enormity of what he was aabout to do but obviously didnt anyway and she truly has resented me for pushing her to do that. So for anyone out there , if your kids doesnt feel it and doesnt want to then dont encourage it. Its funny because sometimes having a h is not like really having a partner for the most part their just another responsibility instead. I m sure there are some good ones out there but far and few between. I dont know that women push marraige and if they do they dont realize sometimes the baggage that goes with it it just gets dumped.

  9. Hiya Shennie :)

    “its funny because sometimes having a h is not like really having a partner for the most part their just another responsibility instead.”

    …absolutely! and that’s indeed the point I was making when I said it was ironic that single mothers had more time for themselves.

    That’s not rare unfortunately. It one of the many reasons men benefit so much from marriage and women lose out. It’s covered in *Backlash*. Glad to hear you’re going to read that. It’s by Susan Faludi; Pulitzer Prize winning journalist. She wrote it in the eighties, so it’s not a recent publication but the information inside is both timeless and priceless. You can pick it up for just a few cents via Amazon’s used books! whoopee :)

    Is it womens ‘fault’ they sacrifice everything for others? I think it’s the way we’re brought up to be and it’s a self perpetuating cycle. Girls are taught to be ‘good’, to nurse dollies, to play with tea sets, to look pretty, to be mother’s little helper ~ in fact to be ‘good’ means to be ‘useful’ where girls are concerned…it’s all there being fed to us from the start, just as it was fed to our own mothers as children. Boys are always given more freedom to be themselves. Girls only get that freedom from an acutely aware parent who not only avoids ‘mistraining’ their child in such a way, but also prevents society from doing so ~ difficult & rare indeed.

    So it seems it is up to us as individuals to break out of the mold as best we can later in life. To undo those years of training! Another fabulous book I can recommend in this respect is “Dorothy Rowe’s Guide To Life” – she’s great; a natural observer from childhood and very humourous to boot. I first read an except of the book in Virgin Atlantic’s [unusually excellent] in-flight magazine and was struck by how sharp, observant, knowledgable and life-changing she was. I bought the book when the plane landed!

    And if you’re really geting into this, here’s one more well worth a read: “A Woman In Your Own Right ~ Assertiveness and You” by Anne Dickenson. I inherited that book from my own mother :) It is a must for any woman who needs help being assertive, instead of aggressive/manipulative/doormattish ~ most women run through some [or all] of these behavioural cycles instead of just stating what they want in the first place/putting their foot down and saying *no* to something they dont want! Sad but true.

    Finally, I’ll make the point that I am not some rampant feminist. I don’t believe women to be inherantly ‘better’ than men. I just think we have more to overcome and are less able to genuinely be ourselves due to generations of misguidance and the perceptions/expectations of our society as a whole. It’s not a male ‘plot’; we’re all responsible for it. But on the other hand men certainly don’t want us to change things that are of benefit to them. These books help you do a number of things; 1. identify how your up-bringing and society have shaped [and continue to shape] your view of yourself. 2. understand the rules of the game of life as woman. 3. redress the balance to take back control and actually be a genuinely happier and more free person. Many times I’ve read about women who are completely lost when the children fly from the nest and the husband ditches her for a ‘younger model’. Do we really have to wait til that happens to reclaim our lives?

    Finally, know that when you start being more observant and strong some people will resent it. THat’s actually a good sign. It’s not always confined to the people who have benefitted from your weakness for years either; it can include strangers who resent the fact that you aren’t the usual pushover! I’ve seen men get very angry when they come along and try to butt in on a deep conversation I’m having with a female friend and we answer his question then continue with the discussion we’re already having. It seems that when a male stranger enters a conversation, all female eyes and ears are meant to be on him until he leaves the arena, regardless of how dull he is! I actually find men damn rude in this respect, tho I’ve been observing this one quite a few years now and it’s definitely a societal expectation ~ that doesn’t make it alright. It also ties in with how women value each other – why do they generally give more respect to the butting-in male than to the good female friend with whom they are already talking? Again, I think we’re trained into believing in the *authority*/*superiority* of men from childhood. Well, not around here ~ respect is earned, not just given on the basis of gender!

  10. Lioness
    So wonderfully said, and soooooooo true . I love your insight and you hit the nail on the head of alot of things and I totally agree with it. You are right the more we do the more we are taken advantage of and the less we are respected, Men dont have to do half of what we do to get the same respect. In fact they demand it, Hence I think thats where midlife actually hits. In my opinion mens and womens relationships come to that point where the woman finally starts to wise and come into her own and become her own person and i dont think most men can handle that and hence they begin what I will call midlife and often search for a younger party or a more immature or vulnerable one so they can start the process all over again. so sad but so true, I so enjoyed your insight.

  11. Oh I think they always like the younger ones Shennie! And you’re spot on: the less developed the personality the better. I was having a chat with my good friend here about supposedly more “enlightened” mens attitudes ~ creatives, brainboxes and the like. They claim to be different but I’m afraid they’re not when it finally comes down to it. So back to the conversation; my friend was telling me about a male artist friend back home in Poland who was very bright and dating a female with a rich life and very effervescent personality. They were together for 4 years… He was apparently very in love with this girl and had said himself he would never go out with an airhead. Then one day my friend flew home to visit and guess what? He was married. He’d ditched the girl with a life and married one as dull as dishwater. Men may enjoy a bright womans company for a while but when it comes to marriage, if a woman has her own things going on it means she has less time to spend looking after them hmm? I don’t know if they even have this thought consciously. Perhaps its just wired into them.

    One last fantastic book to mention: M Scott Peck’s “The Road Less Travelled”. One interesting point he makes on this note begins by explaining how we project our own thoughts & ideas onto our pets. And how we find a pet agreeable as long when it’s will coincides with our own. He goes on to make a point about GI’s falling in love with non-english speaking women during war time and bringing them home as brides. Ah, true love! …but when the brides learnt English, the marriages began to fall apart. The men could no longer project their thoughts, feelings desires and goals onto the women and feel the same sense of closeness one feels with a pet. The men discovered they had ideas, opinions and aims different from their own. As this happened, love began to grow for some, but for most it ceased. That’s verbatim by the way.

    I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the film with Nicole Kidman where she plays a Russian girl who flies around the world scamming men? Her gang finds lonely bankers on the internet and when its all set up, she flies in. Once the men are in love, the other 2 gang members arrive and *kidnap* her; the banker then raids his works safe to free the object of his affection. Mission accomplished. She can speak perfect english but pretends to be unable to speak even one word of it. When she finally gets found out by the British man whom she’s scamming during the film, he asks her why she lied about this. She tells him that she used to speak english on her heists until one day she experimented with pretending not to. She then discovered the men fall in love much faster ~ instead of weeks, they fall in just a few days.

  12. I should add that that does not speak for all men , it does happen in the reverse as we have seen on these blogs, sorry guys didnt mean any offense there are enough of you in this situation also. Didnt mean to sound sexist, just speaking of it from a womans perspective is all, thought I should clarify that and acknowledge that it also happens for the guys too

  13. Once I realised that my wife had strayed for the second time, I knew I couldn’t trust her. She lied about going to work when instead she was out socially, to avoid being at home with kids. She betrayed me right then and there without adultery. The adultery just pushed it over the edge. That and her bringing us to the brink of bankruptcy. Nope, once the trust is gone there is nothing. I may feel hollow about all that, but I also have found inner strength and calmness. A new purpose: to protect the interests of the children and myself. I may mourn for the girl I married but I have recognised there is no reconciliation here.

  14. I found out about the affair about a year ago. At that time the affair was going on for about a year. What ever people may think, an affair is ugly. But my question to this very day remains:-
    How could she do this?
    We were dating for a year when we decided to move in together. A few months after that her parents moved in with us due to them losing everything. The rest of her family were bluntly refused to look after her parents because they were either not willing, not financialy strong and all other excuses.
    Her father molested her two sisters. I had a daughter from a previous marriage, living with me, yet decided that I will take the chance to look after the chap.

    She fell pregnant about a year after getting married and we had our baby. It was after my baby was born, not three months after that she started at a new job and off course, met the bloke,and had a roaring time whilst I had to look after the baby, her parents and all.

    I couldnt believe what happened. Begged her to stay, threatened and through my toys.

    Now, a year later I am feeling empty. I want out but she is pregnant with our second.

    I am forever searching to find answers and feel as though a piece of me died.

    How could she do this to me?

  15. I too am just going trough this with my husband. He has been cheating with people on line and then meeting them at bars. When he was on one of those sites I set my own profile and asked to meet him, he did all the setting up and plans, and did meet me. Even when he was caught by me he kept making excuses and lying. Now he wants me to beleive and trust him. I just can’t seem to do that. And with what I am reading seems I’m right not to trust him because he just makes excuses to save himself. I am at my wits end and don’t know what to do. He asked for one last chance and I have been thinking about it and since then I have seen more evidence of on line dating services and ads and he is telling me he didn’t do it it and why would he be so stupid to do it. Hard for me to beleive him when the last time he did it he accused someone else of doing it and setting him up and it was him all the time. Is it like they say once a liar and a cheater always a liar and cheater?

  16. My partner began a friendship with the woman who had fired me. Initially my partner was so furious at the way I was terminated and reassured me that the woman was incompetent and there would never be any reason to spend time with the woman. (We all worked together). Two months later I found out the my partner had ordered books for the woman. Two months after that I found flirtatious emails between the two. One night my partner came home from work four hours late. My partner said after a meeting they had gone to a local restaurant for a drink and the woman was not with them. I confronted my partner with the emails, who responded with my betrayal of reading personal emails. My partner tried to tell me that I didn’t understand what I was reading and that it must be a mistake. I showed my partner the emails and the my partner finally admitted that they had been friendly and had developed a friendship and they “just worked together.” This began a ritual Friday night out with the woman not coming home until two a.m and Sundays at a bar watching football with this woman. My partner for the eights years of our relationship, hated watching football in a bar as there was too much noise. These Sunday parties would last until two a.m. I asked my partner to leave the house after the third week of this behavior. My partner left two days before my birthday and didn’t acknowledge my birthday at all. I accused my partner of having an affair with this woman and my partner continued to say, “we work together.” In one month alone my partner had 1500 minutes of conversations with this woman, talking to her every night before bed for sometimes over two hours. Every week my partner would write me on Monday or Tuesday telling how much I was missed and how lonely my partner was, but by Thursday, my partner would tell me that there was a work issue and would be home late on Friday, thus couldn’t spend time with me, which was typically a lie, but just a way not to be accountable. After two months of this roller coaster, my partner showed up on my door on a Friday night begging for my forgiveness and wanting to come home. My partner told me the “friendship” was over and had been articulated to the woman. I heard everything I needed to hear to begin forgiving. I let my partner move back in, and we went to one counseling session. On The following Wed., my partner said it was over. One week before Christmas. Not even one week. Nothing had changed was the allegation this time. Apparently, my behavior was the justification for the friendship with this woman. As I write this, my partner still has not come home from meeting the woman again yesterday at 1 p.m. I have packed all the clothing and personal items, my partner moved back in and they sit on the porch. I changed the locks. I feel absolutely worthless, lost and the biggest fool.

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