Learn from these real life extramarital affair coaching scenarios.
In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.
I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.
The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.
Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:
I used to focus on what mood is he in, is he going to talk to me today, is he going to look/act like he’d rather be anywhere else with anyone else other than me. This habit/pattern is hard to break, but I’m working on it. I was so hurt and rejected that sometimes in my depression that I didn’t leave the house for days. All this in an attempt to figure out how to be okay with my life and how lonely I was. This was his excuse for his affair (“if you thought it was bad being that way, you have no idea how hard it is to live with a person like that” – thoughtful words from him after I learned of his affair). I’ve been figuring out “what makes me happy” as friends refer to it, but that seems selfish and that’s just not me. I’m learning how much living like that has affected the simplist of things – mood, attitude, communication and my relationship with our 13 yr old daughter. I wrestled with deciding whether or not to stay in my marriage and even though we’re still living together, I was non-committal and that hasn’t helped things much. But lately, I’ve been getting more clarification. I still don’t have all the answers as for our marriage, but I do know that I’m doing what I’m called to do right now. He has been making changes although I’ve been frustrated that they’re not the ones I think he should be doing. I realized that he’s trying and doing the best he can and I’ve not acknowledged the changes that he has made and that tears down the very thing that I said that I wanted. Regardless of where this leads, I’m ready to move forward with my life. He has an opportunity to rise higher in his life and our relationship and if he’s unable, I can accept that, but I know with all my heart that I need more than that and I love him enough to let him go. Otherwise, it’ll continue to tear us down as individuals and as a couple. That to me would be unforgivable – to intentionally choose that. I’ve finally forgiven him and I’m excited to be able to share that with him when I see him (he’s working 4 hrs away for a couple of weeks). I believe it’s a gift that both of us need and it’s necessary for healing regardless of whether we stay together or not. In addition to asking him to forgive me for where I fell short in our relationship, I’ve finally forgiven myself. The reality is that he made some wrong decision(s), but as painful as all of this has been (this was his second affair), I’m grateful for the opportunities that it’s opened in my heart. There’s great power in “pressing on” and getting through. I’ll even go as far as to say that I’m starting to determine my call and purpose in life. I don’t have the specifics yet, but I know that my past experiences were not given to me just to keep them inside and hide them away (survival of growing up in physical, emotional and verbal abuse, death of my child at age 7, two abusive ex husbands, battling depression, etc). I believe they can help others too. I’ve always believed that, I just lost sight of it. I’m excited to see how all of this unfolds. Well, I know you didn’t ask for a book, but I’ve never been one short on words.
Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach:
- Welcome your sensitivity. Learn ways to use it, especially with others.
- Examine, reflect, write down the “themes?? of your life that you are internally addressing when “depressed.??
- Congratulate your self on your tremendous growth and progress.
- Be very specific on the changes you want from him.
- List 5 factors that “hold you back?? from him.
- List 6 of your greatest personal needs. (Check out the needless program on my site)
- Continue working hard on defining your life’s purpose.
Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:
- I’m working hard on me, and boy, does that feel good. Also very exciting. But, I’m not sure, sometimes, where that leaves me with you.
- I want for us to have a richer relationship but it seems there has been so much pain and hurt, on both of our parts, that I wonder, what that means for our future.
- I have some very specific needs that I would like you to meet. But, I know this can be very tricky and rather scary. For example, I would like ____________. If you can do that, great. If not, help me understand what gets in the way. Maybe just give it some thought first, and we can get at it later.
What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.
Another passing thought here:
Ask them what was missing in our relationship and then advise that if they want that they need to give it…
If my H thought we were drifting apart, then he needed to ask what he could do to draw us closer. What he did instead was run away from the preceived problem in hopes that starting over with someone new would be an easier way to go. The chicken’s way out! And, as he has subsequently found out, it is NOT the easier way to go.
I thought we were fine. I knew he had his problems, but never demanded that he be something he is not. I never expected perfection and a fairytale. He did.
For now we are both dealing in reality and that’s a good thing!
Nicki – exactly what my H did – he was disappointed and hurt about things in our marriage but he didn’t tell me that clearly – he says because he didn’t want to hurt me, as if what he did hurt me any less! At one point last year when he was still seeing her as a “friend,” he told me that this woman had given him something he needed – I asked him why he had not asked me for what he needed and he replied that he just couldn’t – at another time he also said that he sometimes questioned his own self-esteem because he didn’t make his wants and needs known. The thing is, when he finally started disclosing that he was unhappy, back in Nov. of 2005, that is what started me snooping and suspecting. It was painful but I guess that I should be thankful that he at least revealed that to me even if he was too cowardly to tell me that he was having an affair. I think it was his dysfunctional way of telling me that something was very very wrong.
If I had to sum it up, and like you, knowing what I do about psychology, I would say that he thought that our relationship would just always work – without needing to work at it at times. For my part, I knew that there were things that should be better but I just accepted things the way they were – and that wasn’t right either, but it’s just who I am sometimes.
I think that he still clings to that thought in a way – that this will all work out without effort – but I also see him deliberately doing certain things that I know are designed to let me know that he loves me – a few months ago he saw me flinch when he mentioned he had parent conferences – the obvious reason was that I know that he met her in school because she was a parent of one of his students – a couple of days later, he mentioned that he noticed it and said that he should have mentioned it on the spot because he wants to deal directly with things rather than go off and brood about what they might mean, etc. So I think that is a good sign.
As I sit and read and write here is what I think – it is the people who are in marriages who think that they are working well who need to read all of this too – I know that no one wants to read about infidelity – like, maybe they think it’s catching? but I feel like if I had somehow read all this stuff long ago something would have resonated and maybe we could have prevented this
Marlene–I think that, in my case, if I had stumbled on this site pre-affair, I would have never read anything here b/c I was convinced that it would NEVER happen to our marriage. (I would have bet money on it too! lol)
My H is emotionally autistic (I think I coined a new term here). He is in therapy now. His therapist is helping him lose the fear of feeling the full range of his emotions. Things are so much better now, however, I told him that I would file for divorce if he stops therapy. No doubt he passed this message to his therapist and, to my great relief, she told him that she agreed with me.
Of course, I love him or I wouldn’t still be here, but if he refuses to learn how to deal head-on (honestly) with life’s curveballs/disappointments then I will have to leave in order to protect and preserve my own sanity.
I agree with you when you say your husband thought your marriage would all work out without effort. My husband said that very thing to me. But, when you think about it, isn’t that the same flawed thinking that enabled them to grant themselves permission to enage in an affair? I can hear them thinking to themselves, “This relationship is effortless” It isn’t until it’s “not so easy” anymore, and the bloom is off the rose, that they begin to panic b/c instead of having just one messed up relationship now they have 2!
I am so happy to hear that your husband has turned his sensitivity dial up enough for you to see changes in actions that indicate there’s a change in his thinking!
One thing is certain, our relationships have changed (the relationship with our h’s AND the one we have with ourselves) and there’s no going back now even if we wanted to!
I never thought I would reach this point, and although it might be fleeting, I wouldn’t want to go back to the way things were even if I had the chance to do it. It’s so much more honest now…even if it’s ugly–it’s real.
Good Morning Everybody,
I agree with you both Nicki and Marlene.
There is no going back and that’s the way it is for us both. He can’t come clean and be honest and does not want to. He does not know how to be an honest person any longer if he were it would be different. He can’t/won’t talk about it, does not want the subject brought up at all. Like it’s going to go away by itself and never come back. As I told him he went to far for to long and left me alone for 2 plus years without anything from him, his friendship, companionship, love, caring and the list went on, he did not know what to say and said nothing because he does not want to be reminded of the fact this was his fault not mine nor my choice in life, it was soley his.
You are right they cannot talk to you about about the changes they want out of fear of change not only from us but themselves. We all get involved in things we do jobs, family, chores and husband/boyfriend/fiancee so lots comes into play and we do not see what we think we see sometimes untill it is to late.
He cannot accept responsibility for his actions and I believe in his mind he justified them all to his liking, he is as screwed up as she is. Wish them both the best if that’s what he really wants.
I just cannot believe a word that comes out of his mouth anymore even if he were telling the truth I would always question, what is he really saying or doing he is such a good liar I can’t tell one way or the other.
I have a real problem with trust in all this he broke it and I don’t want to give it back for fear of being hurt more, what if it happens again. I cannot go throught this a second time with him to hard on me and my health. I changed allot and there is nothing left here for me as I see it I was just left alone for to long.
Later, wish us all the best.
Sandy–I felt the same way you did. I would tell him that he “waited too long to choose me”. It’s a very disheartening thought. But, it is what I felt. But, when I think back over the 25 years, I realized that except for the moment that he proposed, I had many, many moments where I felt “unchosen” even when he was faithful to me. The affair forced me to face the truth. He was not consistently emotionally involved with me. Intellectually he loved me, but connecting on a deeper level was difficult for him. He now admits that he didn’t want to feel vulnerable for fear of being hurt. But, that’s a lifelong MO having nothing to do with me personally.
For my part, I didn’t insist on more than he was comfortable enough to give; selling myself out in the process. The affair forced me to look at what I had been doing, what I really wanted in this relationship, and then lay it out for him. It was a “take it or leave it” moment for us. He decided that he would do his best to open up and meet me halfway.
The shift from focusing on my H, his trials and tribulations and the many different ways he hurt me in the past and the myriad of ways he could hurt me in the future, to focusing solely on me–& what I need and want–was tough, with many false starts and stops, but I eventually did it. And you will too!
I see all of this now as a process with inevitable phases and stages that eventually, if we are diligently trying to find the way out of the pain (which we all are or we wouldn’t be posting here!), leads us to know ourselves and our spouses better than we ever did before. No more assumptions, no more free passes, no more get out of jail free cards.
I feel I have also sold out in myself as it just went on to long and I told told him one day make a choice. His comment was and how long do I have to make this choice, what an arrorgant person I though to myself. My disappointment in him at this this point is neither here or there I am more displeased with myself. I do not feel any of this was my fault or anything like that I just feel he used me and abused my feeelings and since he does not want to listen to how I feel I feel it is abuse from him in a different manner. I just think since he told me, he made a mistake that all should just be forgoten and press on with our lives he does not get the fact the lasting scars that this has brought about in me. If there is a Adonis Syndrom I think he has it, question on that spelling. I never knew him to require all that adoration and not that he lacked anything here he was just selfish and very centered on his wants and his age is making him nuts. I think he is in the ultimate middle age trap or so he thinks not happy with himself about much and it’s not me it’s him and he told me that but to do all this is just to over the top for this gal. He will just have to find his own way in this and in the meantime I am just going to do what I always have done, be happy with myself and do good things for me. I cannot believed I even survived all this it was so very hard but I’m back and that’s the best thing I can say for myself. If he ever comes out of all this good for him and if not to bad for him he has no idea what he is in for down the road.
Hope everyone has a great day.
Hi Everyone,
Where are all of you? Marlene, Sandy, MS, Nicki,
Let me know what is going on with any of you!! I miss the blog. I wish it was still going. I am doing so/so. Things still are not the greatest. I’ve been really trying to focus on myself more, doing more for me. I still think my H is not disclosing all aspects of his relationship with the OP. I still feel there are holes in some of his stories, hence, I have no “closure”. But, I am still here, I’ve learned so much in a year now and hopefully, it will make me a stronger, better person because of it. At least I know I am true to myself. Hope you are all doing well!
Liz, Have been so worried about you and wondered why you have not posted. I can understand your situation all to well and wish you the very best to get through it all. I am on the other site and so is Nicki, Marlene you need to get on there and we can also leave private messages there along with our personel e-mail address’s if we want to keep in touch ourselves without the forum. It is a different type of site and I do not like it as well because you have to navigate so much to get where you want to go but it’s OK I will get the hang of it all before long. We have all been through so much for so long that sooner or later I guess we will be OK at least that is what I am looking forward to. You will be stronger and and you are the better person as this was not your fault as it was none of ours and I know that they just did what they wanted to do because they could and the women they were/are involved with are just looking to feather a nest that they don’t have and found a weakness to get through the door to our husbands/boyfriends/fiancee’s whatever the sistuation one is in and they are ruthless and only out for themselves we just have weak men in the head is all I can say and we are the stronger ones as we want to keep our man at home to ourselves. The trust issue is of course the big one and it’s hard to think that we were so stupid for so long and like you I have learned so much over the last almost three years it makes me sick. I have had so many problems like us all over all this but have come through it not as well as I would have hoped but I am still kicking so I guess I should be grateful for that. Would love to chat with you by phone or by personel e-mail I feel we have become rather good pals over all this and would like to stay in touch even if we discontinue using the sites. Hard to figure all this no matter who you are just a bundle of crap they dished out to us and we took it like good soldiers but the hurt will always be there and I guess time is the answer whether we stay or leve but we have to do what is good for oursleves they had their days/years and now it’s out turn.
Hugs to you. Sandy
Liz,
I am so glad to hear from you! Like Sandy said, I have been posting at the new board (although lately I haven’t even done much of that!–sometimes I get sick of the sound of my old whiny voice…lol)
Sandy–Marlene is on the new board too–she goes by the name of “Dancer” there :-)
Things are a bit better here. Still working on the trust issue, but thinking now that as long as I trust my own intuition/gut, I can never be deceived again. And, if I am wrong about that oh well…it is better to know I gave it everything I had and got burned again (and for the very last time, I swear!) than leaving him and always be wondering what would have happened “if only”. I have no illusions about life being a bed of roses as a single woman either. As long as my h is making a very strong attempt to repair and rebuild then I am willing to cut him some slack now. (remember we’ve been doing this for 2 years now!)
I think that for all the emotions and raging and crying, etc that he witnessed from me, if he didn’t love me then he is a dang fool for staying here! :-)
That’s my story of the day and, naturally, all subject to change without notice!
Seriously…the new board does have advantages like Sandy said–It’s nice to be able to email private messages to each other. Liz–I sent you a PM when the boards were new. Did you ever get it?
Anyway, dinnertime around here. I think of you all often!
Hugs to all!
Nicki
Hi,
I went to the board to find Liz and I never found her listed and I even looked for me and I found a sandra1 I don’t think that is me but it might be to confused some days to keep my mind on things. whatever I will get your replys I am sure. Not that I have CRS but it’s just all the stress and I am taking a stress management class on relationships and I think that will be good for me. He said he would support me on this but he of course does not want to answer any questions that I may pose to him from this class, he said if they were not inquiring about what happened and if it just about me he would have to decide if he would care to answer them. What an arrogant man. Oh well I guess we all have our set of things we would like to see change and since I have decided to make the move when it is all sold I feel allot better. He will know nothing of my plans till it happens and then I will lower the boom just like he did to me. My sort of Karma in my own way. Surprise, gee how could she do this to me after all this time, I think he needs shock treatment not the medical kind either but that might be good for him maybe it would make his brain work better what’s left of it. I really don’t want anything bad to happen to him but a good shake up for him is going to happen. He will leave one day and he will return to an empty house ,no note, no nothing just gone. Everything here belongs to me and I could care less about his things what little he will have left. I told him a long time ago make a choice and whatever he said he made a mistake and he was sorry but like I said before a little to late. After almost three years of this it’s time I took control of what I want in my life and not bend to his controlling BS any longer and I feel great about it also. Hope to hear from you on the other site and I will still post here if I see a familiar name posted.
Have a great weekend. Sandy
Good Morning,
Nicki, I am having problems on the oter site seems I cannot read any of my replys that I have got don’t know what my problrm is but I will keep trying.
Hope all is going well with you and yours. Things are just the way they are here.
I had a chat with him Sunday night and of course it ended up not as good as I would have liked it to. he said I don’t know what oyur problem is why can’t you just leave it be it’s over and I want to press on and have a good life with you and this is a lifetime you and I are going to spend together. I just will never get it if it’s so great then why no converdation, he says go with the flow it will all come back but he has changed so much that it is hard for me to even think about going forward with a stranger. He does not do anything in my opinion to change things he figures just becasue he is coming home at a reasonable hour it makes it OK. He did say he does see what this did to me to a point but noithing else and I asked him why can’t you talk to me from your heart. He said maybe someday but not now. He told me you want everything now and that’s not going to happen, all I want to know why if he was so miserable and unhappy with me why did’nt he talk to me. I asked him that and he said nothing. I am just glad I made the choices I made and as I said when this is all sold I will be leaving there is nothing here for me at this point if he can’t talk to me what’s the point.
Liz, hope you are fine I have not seen any post from you either, let me know how you are doing.
Take care, Sandy
Hi Sandy!
Glad you are still posting here :-)
Not too very long ago, my H and I were at ythe same stage you and your H are at.
Yes, it is VERY difficult for my H to “let me in”. He has always been somewhat guarded (even when there was no OW invloved!) Something about his need to self-protect so that he ever gets hurt. I knew this was true, but after the OW came on the scene we were forced to deal with it.
He was not someone who shared honest emotion with me. Of course that’s a crappy way for anyone to live! Eventually his lack of “emotionality” casued him to shut down entirely and all joy was squeezed from him.
Many men (and women) fail to see that you just can’t pick and choose which emotions you want to experience. If you cut out one, you cut them all out. Then a kind of “soul death” sets in. We were not put on this earth, imho, to coast on auto-pilot. We are here to learn joy, happiness–whatever you choose to call it–but, the bottom line is we are here to learn to fully LIVE the life we are given.
It took me a very long time to recognize that my H HAD to open up to the full range of experiences/emotions in order to do that he needed a HUGE blast! That is precisely what the A did for him. So, in some peverse way, I am grateful for what happened. (Not to say that I would want to repeat such an experience, but in order to move past inertia it does take an extraordinary jolt)
You can’t spend a lifetime talking from an intellectual POV and then suddenly switch to a heart-filled POV. They have no experience with it and it makes them so afraid to be vulnerable.
Hey, I get this, Sandy. He hurt you. He knows it and you know it. At this point he knows that if he opens up to you you could “reject” him and that you would be justified. So, it reads to me like a standoff between you where the only way you think you will get any relief is to get revenge.
He wasn’t unhappy with you. He was unhappy within himself. You just happen to be the witness; when his unhappiness created a situation that took him down the path of self-destruction”.
At some point, we have to KNOW that it wasn’t about us, that the relationship is being given a chance to be re-born, that we are given an opportunity, maybe a blessing in disguise, and to renew and strengthen the way we perceive ourselves.
Rome wasn’t built in a day and this “new” relationship that we have with the H/stranger before us won’t be re-built in a day either.
I recently realized that a large part of my discomfort came from the fact that I no longer knew how to act in this new marriage. The old rules didn’t work, and I had to frame of reference. Does that make sense? It’s not like I could go back to a time and say. “Ah…I see when he shut down and I remember how great it was before that happened.” He was never open, real and emotionally honest with me.
I didn’t care about that before. Too much to do, kids to raise, money to make, groceries to buy, etc. But now I want it all and if my H is willing to try and stick with it; try and communicate his honest emotions/thoughts (like yours did when he said “you want everything now and that’s not going to happen”) then I will give him credit for trying and quit expecting him to turn in to the male version of me overnight.
I do know too that “why” questions are very difficult to answer. I have a hard time answering them myself. Maybe try and ask a “if you had it to do over again what would you do differently” discussion? Just a thought…
I could be wrong, but I think there’s still love there…in my relationship and yours or why would we be investing any time trying to figure this out?
I hope I don’t sound preachy. That is not my intent at all! I just know that at one point in my relationship I had to decide to break the stand-off and risk being the one to be hurt again by making myself vulerable before he fully earned me back.
Yet, I couldn’t do that until I had worked through the debilitating pain of feeling inadequate (thru all those “me first” activities we have talked about here!) He couldn’t help me with this. I expected him too for the longest time and it was a let down every time. He would say, “I love you” and I would say, “LIAR!” I know we have all experienced that!
So, long story short, I am now recovered sufficiently to allow myself not to mourn what could have been and look forward to exploring what could be. And if he screws up again, so be it. I will be fine next time. More than fine actually. I will be able to walk away clean with no regrets…not because he tried his hardest, but because I know I did!
Hugs to all…!!
Sandy,
I hasten to add, however, that progess at my house happened slowly over a 2 year period only when:
1) all contact with OP was discontinued
2) H attended weekly therapy
3) all of my questions were answered as fully as possible (with no attitude) and as many times as I asked them
4) H became transparent
5) H could give me a logical explanation for what was missing in his life & what he was hoping to get from the OP that he couldn’t get here
He broke it, but it takes 2 to fix it ultimately. And, running away from the hard work, is exactly what they did to cause the problem to begin with. It’s magical thinking on their part to assume that one day they will convince us to just forget about everything.
Know what I mean?
Hi Sandy! Hi Nicki!
Wow, I am sorry I haven’t posted again in a while. I need to get on the new site and try it again. I got discouraged becuase I couldn’t find everyone!
Nicki – that was such a great post. You are so right. We are currently in our 6th month of “working it out” since he ended all contact with the OP (again, if I take him strictly at his “word” which we all know is extremely difficult!) But, if that is true, then we are on 6 months. And let me tell you, “roller-coaster city”. I have literally experienced emotions I never thought existed inside me. Rage that I never knew existed. Greif, sadness, anger, depression, everything that you read about, I’ve lived it.
I know what you mean about we have to open our hearts up to them, and be vulnerable once again if it EVER has a chance of working. I am still very stuck in the “protection mode” I call it. I have a wall around my heart. I was burned badly twice and I know in my subconscious I am just waiting again………worrying. Whenever things are good, I can’t let myself enjoy it to the fullest, out of fear of getting screwed over again.
My H has been pretty consistant now and he has let go of a lot of his attitude. He tells me that he practices not “reacting” to everything like he used to. So, I do give him credit and I do see the change.
There is still a lingering issue for me that I wonder if you all have encountered. When I ask him a question about the A, or say something like, “remember when you told me that you and the OP did this, or that, etc”….he will say, “I never said that”….or, “I don’t remember saying that”…..so I am seeing him retract statements here and there. This is very disheartning. The therapist says he is doing it becuase he wants it to “go away” and it’s been discussed too many times for him and he is also trying to make it seem not so bad with all the graphic details. But, she said, lying is lying period, and I should be concerned. I don’t think the OP has contacted him or vise versa, but I still think he’s leaving out pieces of the puzzle still.
Maybe the good thing Nicki is you are on 2 years, so I can realize that my 6 months, really isn’t that long in the big picture of healing right?
Oh, has anyone attended a wedding yet with their spouse AFTER discovery of the A??? I am just wondering. We got invited to one and I am dreading it. I have not attended a wedding since my H cheated, and truthfully, I think I will be traumatized by hearing the bride and groom exchange vows. Silly, I know. But seriously, just the whole “wedding event” I think is going to bother me. Problem is, it’s a great friend, and she’s counting on me to be there! UGH.
Sandy, I miss you too! I want to know what you are talking about? Are you selling the house without him knowing? I missed some posts. Is the OP gone now??? I am thinking about all of you so much!!
Liz & Nicki,
No, I a not selling the house without him we have lots of other properties and that’s what’s on the market, this house I loved so much and this place that it will be hard to leave it but when I do I will crying all the way up the drive. He can have the house as that is all it is to me at this point I do not see it as a home that it use to be. The main reason is, I had to leave once on buisness for about a month and came back and found out she had been in my bed. I threw out the sheets/mattress and bought new ones one day while he was gone and he came home and wanted to know why I did this and I was so angry at him and told him I did it because I could smell her in my bed and I wanted it gone. Her perfume Opium was everywhere, his car, my car, the house. What a disappointment, no respect he invaded our home with this slut and then had the nerve to deny it when her hair was even in my brush, on the sheets and that was not all that was there either.
I think I have just had more than my share of it all and now he wants to work this out, he made a mistake, gee almost three years of her and it was a mistake. How do I deal with all that and for me it is not revenge it’s all the time he took to be with her and the imtimacey shared and that is why he cannot talk to me. He has nothing to say he became to comfortable where he was.
I know he is trying the best he can and he knows he hurt me terribly but when there is no conversation about anything and all the things you use to do and had in common are gone, what’s left. He is like a stanger to me. We always use to talk about our feelings and about this dumbest things for a laugh and now it seems he has no joy left in his heart. He cannot fix what he broke and he sees me as a unhappy camper. With me, I am honest about my feelings and don’t hold back I am a talker like most women and for him to just come home sit at the TV/computer and say nothing to me for hours sometimes ten on the weekends at a time he cannot face me or what he did. The spark ladies is not there he wants it to be but as I said this is not going to work becuase now I am not willing to help him clean up the mess he started in the first place, it just went on to long and I was left alone for so long not knowing where he was what he was doing and then coming home like a raving idiot. He has allot of pent up anger and I know it was never me it was all about him and his wants and desires but to be the brunt of all the foul mouth things he said to me will never go away for me.
He did tell me he wished it never happened but a little to late for me. I need to be around someone who cares about me and this is not the place I want to be with him in my life after almost 20 years, what a waste because he could not be honest with me. It could have been a easy fix so to speak but there is no fixing because I don’t want to work that hard for someone that I know in my heart did all this to me without reguard for me and my feelings. No kids at home so that does not play a part in any of this and I am grateful for that, just work and the both of us.
I think I just got so tired and so wore out that I know I tried my best and I have no regrets, leaving for me now is the best thing for me and my peace of mind, I need that in my life right now. It will be a while before I can do this but in the meantime I will just bide my time and try and be as happy as I can with myself.
You are right about one thing they cannot remember what they say to you because they want it to just go away like migrating birds and not come back, he cannot face me out of fear and talk to me I know that also. Forgiving is the easy part but not even “I am sorry is another, he said I am sorry what this did to you and I can see part of it but not all of it” but he was not sorry whay he did is all I got and “I made a mistake sorry it took me so long to find out”. It just came to late for me and I have made many changes in my life becaus eof what happened, no other man nothing like that, it will be a long time in coming for me I can be by myself not affraid of that but I know I will be lonely but I have been for so long it does not matter anymore about him it’s all about me now. We all have to make our choices and I have made mine. Just sorry it could not have been worked out.
He still has contact, refuses therapy, wants to be a free agent as far as I can see and one person cannot fix it alone. He said it’s over with her and has been for a long time then why the contact? Why can’t he just talk to me from his heart like he use to, I missed that so much and him for so long but I got to use to being alone and began to enjoy it is many ways I will never understand it all I just need my own life back and I am going to have a great life. Not a spring chicken but I look great and feel great about myself and that’s all that matters right now to me.
Take care girls and hope your lives are filled with happiness. Have a great day.
Sandy and Nicki
Well, Sandy, 3 years is ALOT to endure of an OP, that’s a total relationship. In fact, it’s longer than some marraiges! Mine went on for 6 months, and honestly, that is too long for me to accept also.
I watched 2 TV shows last night. Grey’s Anatomy, and October Road. Both shows had themes of infidelity. It’s like you just can’t escape it. It’s everywhere. It really made me think of how much people put themselves first, front and center. The one show, October Road, showed the husband finding out his wife was cheating with his best friend. It had been going on for months. Then he found out one of his good buddies, knew all along but kept it from him. The husband left of course, angry and hurt, and what did the wife want? Forgiveness. She “made a mistake”……she wanted him back. So, what does it take, totally seeing the other spouse shattered and devistated repeatedly before they realize they “made a mistake”? See, I have come to disagree. I honestly think they feel MORE upset about being caught. I think they feel more upset about how this will effect THEIR life from here on out. OK, granted, maybe I am being too general. But I think the people who acutally “fess up” and come clean on their OWN, have a far better chance at being believable to me. I had to bust my H BOTH times. This is the part that I struggle with. It’s a complete character issue.
Sandy, I know what you mean about the bed. My H didn’t have her in our home (that I can prove, mind you….doesn’t mean it didn’t happen!) but….he had her at a family cottage and it was worse to me because I’ve been going there since I was a baby. It had strong memories, and it’s my favorite place on Earth. And my H knew this. And still, he took her there. It was a conscious choice on his part. It’s a long drive. At any time he could have turned back and said, “what am I crazy? what am I doing!” but he didn’t. He can’t take it back. Granted. But…I can’t take back what it did to me now either. And he doesn’t fully get that part. He thinks I have a “choice” of how it will “effect” me. That’s his usual comeback. I am getting tired of it. I feel it’s a copout on his end. He wants it to go away like “migrating birds” too.
Well, enough from me today. I had lunch with a good friend, and that always cheers me up! A good laugh helps.
Have a great weekend!
Liz,
Men on the whole I am beginning to think always think about what it would be like with someone new as they go beyond looking at other women they stare a hole through them. It’s not us it’s them and they are never satisfied till they make the ulitmate mistake and then they don’t know what to do. I think your right being caught is the worse thing for them then they have to cough it all up or at least some of them do but not here.
What a terrible thing he did to take her to a place you really loved, it just amazes me that they do the most stupid things when it comes to sex, they hide, they run, they cheat, they lie, if they were so proud of what they are doing why not just take them home to meet the folks while they are at it. Just awful he would dod this to you, I was just being glib about the folks thing, LOL. I always looked at our home as the great escape from life in general here we could do whatever we wanted to do and to have her here in my home is the greatest of all pain. That meant to me he had no respect for any of this at all nor for me and without that you don’t have much. That’s why I can walk away from here and not care he can have it but I am taking all the furniture except his TV and stero stuff that I don’t care about anyway. I will always love this place for what it used to be but now it’s just not the same.
I know that he wants to fix this but he broke me down so far for so long that I can’t in my heart give him another chance and all because of what he did not me. This is not what I ever wanted in our lives and he knows this so let the chips fall where they may. I tried Liz and gave it my best shot but I can’t do it alone or anymore.
Now he is e-mailimg all these I love you cards, our love is eternal and all that stuff but for me the meaning of it all is so BS that it does not have much meaning to me. I cannot believe I was so stupid and did not see what was going on, blind trust and unconditional love is what I gave him but no more of that from me to him, EVER. I am not willing any longer it is not him, he wants it all back but he went to far for to long. I am such a different person now and he sees the unhappiness in me everyday and he cannot deal with that at all. He said to me “you have a great life what more do you want and what do you have to be stressed about it’s over and has been over for a long time except it and lets press on and have a happy life”. I just don’t want him anymore to me he’s like a used up old car engin running but no parts to fix it. He cannot fix this here it was to many years of degrading me and blaming me for all of his activities outside the home and he blamed me for it all. This was not my fault and I know that and I will never forgive him nor take the blame for all the mean and nasty things that came out of his mouth, he just went to far with me. The hurt was to great and the fear to try again with him and have him do this to me again is not worth the chance for me as I do believe once a cheater alays a cheater a leopard does not change his spots especially when it goes on for years and he has no regrets nor I’m Sorry from his heart. He is just an empty shell of a person to me and so shallow of a man. He was a great guy and now he’s just what he is.
What I miss the most, our old friends and the fun we all had together and they avoid me like the plague as they all know and they cannot face us as a couple and I know why. He just breezes through and does not even notice as I sit there by myself alone knowing they have seen him with her and I am sure thier question is why is she still here. I feel like a fool and he did that to me. Amazing how they can treat the man so well and the woman they treat like she is invisable. Nobody wants to say anything to me out of fear I am sure that I will say something or ask them something. All our old friends have said to me “I cannot believe this happened with the two you we would have never guessed he would have done this”, then they drop it and on to another subject. Now I avoid them all I have made new friends and have a different social circle and that is good for me. I use to throw the best parties/BBQ’s for all the holiday’s amd just for whatever but there has been nothing here in three + years, I have no desire. He said to me “lets go for a ride sunday and have lunch” I told him we’ll see. I just don’t have it in me anymore he just took to much of me. He works four days a week and claims to have worked yesterday maybe he did who knows for sure he lied to me for so long I have no idea if he did or did’nt as he told me that for years and come to find out he was with her and today he’s gone again. Who knows for sure some sort of seminar/class whatever I just in my heart don’t know what to believe and what not to, how sad is that. This is not a life it is an exsistance and I don’t want to settle for a life with him without it all and he will never get it.
I am fine but will always cherish what we had once upon a time but that is gone now and I will have a better life with happiness somewhere just don’t have a clue where I want to go I have been here for so long. I will find a place that I will make into a happy place for me and if someday I meet someone else good for me and if not good for me also as I am happy with myself as I have no regrets and no guilt. Not taking the baggage with me when I go it will be a clean break. He still does not know I am leaving and like I said before one day he will come home to an empty house, hope he enjoys his life and once I am gone there is no going back for me it has to be this way for me. The reason for this all is that he is so angry and I know it is at himself and I want no good byes from him I want nothing just what is mine and I will press on like he always says.
I don’t know how long all this will take but whatever it does not matter I just want to do this on my own terms and I owe that to myself. I owe him nothing he deserves nothng not even a good bye from me.
Love Ya Girl and hope all works out for you. Have a nice weekend.
Sandy,
I know what you are saying. It was such a conscious choice on their part. You know what my H said to me the other day? The reason he continued to see the OP, is becuase he had “no guarantees that him and I would work out”…gee. That’s real mature isn’t it? And, I love how he thought seeing her would improve the chance of his marriage working out! Now he says, “that was the wrong attitude to have”. He should have thought of that when he was sleeping with her and hurting me and the kids. It’s like he used her as this insurance policy against his marriage. Now he can’t see why I can’t just “move on” and “focus”. Those are his two favorite phrases of all time.
So, does he claim he is done with the OP and if so, how did he end it? Mine said he left her a “note” and he hasn’t heard from her since then. I don’t buy it. No woman is going to get broken up with by a note, and not want a verbal explanation! Please. He thinks I am so stupid.
Well, write soon and keep me posted! I am thinking about you!
Morning Liz,
Yes, he claims it is over with the OP and it has been for quite sometime and he never made mention of how this came to be. I have no idea how it ended but knowing about her I can tell you it was not a pretty site whether in front of him or not and who knows maybe she broke it off with him because he would not move in with her which I have come to believe could have happemed she is a very demanding woman but who knows what went down there he will never tell me the truth. I don’t think he knows the meaning of the word and honesty is not in his life form anymore. I told him once you hurt allot of people not just you, me, her amd her family, which she has. He wants this to work and sunday we had a bit of a chat about this and I told him you broke it now you fix it and how are you going ot do this? He said nothing he has no clue what it takes, it’s called conversations about both of our wants and needs and he cannot get it. I told him what you need to do is talk to me from your heart and he can’t/won’t do it I think it is to painful for him to be honest with himself. That’s what I think. I think he is still cheating but I don’t know for sure, maybe because he is so different with me.
It was OK for him to be out with her having sex every night of the week and leave me alone and show up whenever he got tired of being where he was so this was his safe house. I also said what about our sex life we don’t have any and how easy it it for me knowing you spent all that time with her and I got nothing out of all this for years and now knowing what you were doing do you think it would be easy for me to hop in the sak with you and have a great time. He does not understand how women think or feel. I cannot get past this BS of his and only because he is such a liar and won’t be honest. If he were I would look at this in such a different way.
I am fine and going to get my hair done and nails and have a great day. I owe it to myself to have a day off the store can manage without me for the day. Hope the have fun wiht me gone, they are probably looking forward to it I have been not fun these last 9 months. Have a fun Day!
Hi Sandy,
I know what you mean about they use denial, and they rationalize everthing. I also know what you mean about friends and family. I used to have parties also. BBQ’s, all of that gone. It’s like their stupid, selfish mistake, ruins your whole social circle too. Yes, there are some people that I still talk to but don’t you think most people feel uncomfortable around you now? It’s like I had lunch with one of my good friends today, and she knows my H and we never talked about it. I think she is afraid, or they don’t know what to say to you anymore. I felt so bad when I left. I started to cry. Then I start getting so mad at my H all over again for how he screwed up our entire life. And, he just goes on his marry way, and doesn’t do anything to fix this mess we are in.
I think he has had some contact too. Everything I have read says it’s so common for more contact because it was such an “addiction”. They lie. If I find out about any more contact whatsoever, I am doing the same thing, only I am putting all his stuff in a dumpster. Me and the kids will live there and he can go. Good riddance. Ha! I won’t tolerate anymore, ever. He knows this.
I hope you have a good day, I will check in with you soon!
Good Morning Lz,
The whole social structure of our lives has changed so much and you are right also they either don’t see it or don’t want to. The thing here is they were together for so long her friends became his and they are huge party group and sort of the local dredges that really know one wants to be around that’s how low he sank. I can’t believe he was with that group of people the ones he always talked about being the low of the low and he fell right in and you are right it is a addiction, the sex, the whatevers and who will realy ever know the whole truth. I know I won’t that’s for sure. I have never been a street smart person and to be treated like less of a human being was horrifing to listen to how he talked about everything and he sounded just like her. I was shocked by his behavior to say the least. She is certifibly nuts is what my hair dresser said to me yesterday. She took some time off to get married. This was the first time I have been to her in almost a year and they hear everything it’s like a bartender everybody knows and this B can’t keep her mouth shut and brags about this all over town, people look at her for what she is a real looser and I know that, what a mouth she has. She is by polar, at least that’s what I think she should be on medication. Someone told me she was but that’s another story.
People have told me so much that it just makes me ill and I have a buisness to run and see people on a daily basis and they just shake thier heads at the whole situation. I am not saying that I am some super model type but I am a good looking woman and carry myself well, dress well, act accordingly, fun to be around when he’s not around, I am just to me an average person 5’6″ 135 not a raving beauty but well put together and look good. Through all this one thing I have seen in myself is that happiness reflects so much in how you look, I look great but the happiness in my eyes is gone and I see it everyday. That’s one thing I want back in my life, they say the eyes are the window of the soul and I believe they are right. I have had some people say to me, “at first I was not sure that it was you” that’s the unhappiness here. I felt so bad about that for so long. I have perked up around other people but around him nothing he is a drag down in my life. Just be glad when to is all sold and I can find another place I just don’t want to be here to many memories of the good times we once had here.
I am off to do chores and get ready to run and start my day. I took so many days off through all this it is amazing I made myself out a pay check. I am getting back into the grove of all that and it is nice to be back around the folks that work for me they are a great bunch and I don’t know how they put up with me over all this, I am just glad they stayed it’s hard to find a good crew you can work with and them you. God Bless them all.
Have a great day
Hi all,
I don’t know if this will ever be read but I needed to pour all this out. I have been married for 3.5 years, and found out my husband has been involved in an emotional affair for the past 2 months. It all supossedly started as a “friendship??. In May we both sat down to talk and decided to take a break because we were so stressed out, it never meant seeing other people (maybe I missed something?). Looking through the phone bills I found out that he was already talking to the OW around the same time we had this talk. This really hurt me, because it makes me feel as if all of this was premeditated. I started a very time consuming and rigorous graduate program about 9 months ago (ok, medical school) and he claims that I never had time for him because I was always studying (this is only an oversimplification of what had been happening, otherwise this message would be 10 pages long). I know that I have been no angel, but deep in my heart I felt that I was doing everything that I COULD do given the circumstances and my limitations. He still denies he is having an affair. The lies and the deception hurt me.
He complained about the lack of intimacy (you know what I mean), my depression, my problems, that all of this drew him away. Last night I heard him talk on the phone with the OW and saying “I love you??, “you’re my babe??, “you’re my number 1??, “when I go to bed I think of you??, and this just left me like a deer in the headlights. What am I supossed to do? One day he says that he doesn’t want to be married and that we’re not getting back together ever, and a few days later when I bring up the “D?? word he doesn’t want to do that either. He says that he wants to remain friends with me, that nobody understands him like I do, that he needs me, etc, etc, etc. Then why on earth is he doing this to me?
To be honest, I don’t know if I still love him. He says he loves me, but my question is, does he love me or is he in love with me still? I have blown up so many times over this, cried my eyes out, you know how it goes. I don’t know what to do. In a week and a half I am leaving the country to visit my parents (my dad is very ill) and I’ll be gone for almost 2 months. I feel that I’m leaving her the playing field completely open. But then I think, do I really want to work on a marriage with a person that is capable of hurting me like this? Of replacing me so easy and so fast after swearing love and adoration for me? I’m so confused and so hurt and so lost??. Any suggestions? :'(
Good Morning Cris,
I feel so bad for you and your situation and we have all been there done that. If he has the nerve to call her from your home and then profess love for you there is a real problem. It’s the cake and eat to thing with him. I think he looks at you as his security blanket and maybe you are and he is afraid to test the waters at this time and make a go with this other person. With you gone and no emotional support from you he will be on his own for way to long and the wheels keep turning and that’s when things really heat up. I was gone for a month and thought everything was just great when I left and when I got back it hit the fan I could not believe what was happening to our lives. Unlike you I am older than you are have my own buisness work hard but when this happened to me I fell apart after almost 20 years so time means nothing to them it’s what they want when they want it and they will do as they please I found that out they do not care about you all they are selfish, arrogant people men/women who cheat are loosers. You seem to have allot on the ball and you do not need someone who does not care about you and what you are trying to do in your life, you have allot on your plate and you do not need the negativity that is going on around you. You are only into this a few years and if he cheats now it is not going to get any better unless you both get some help and if he wants to be honest with you and I have found that here that once the lies start they don’t stop. It’s just a shame all the way around they lie so much they start to believe what they say and then can’t remember what they have said. Also it becomes harder for them to cover their tracks with the lies and then it real gets interesting, like getting caught. It’s hard to walk away but if you feel you have exhausted yourself and you are a young woman with a career in the making it is better to find out now than 20 years down the road and he is still a cheating fool. People who cheat have a real esteem problem along with self respect, they don’t have any for themselves nor anyone else and are unhappy with themselves if you can’t be happy with yourslef then you can’t be happy with someone else. We, on this site have heard it all and if you read all the past comments you will see what we have all been through and it is a hard road. Your choice my girl but if I were you I would pack it in while you are young enough to start a fresh new life with someone someday who appreciates you for who you are.
Have a great day and Good Luck.
I want to share my story with all of you who are victims of their husbands’ or wives’ infidelity.
I’d been betrayed by my husband of 10 years (we just celebrated our 10th year early this year).What I thought was a marvelous husband and a happy marriage became a nightmare. I should say that my biggest and most painful problem came last year when I was six months pregnant with my second child and found out that my husband was having an affair. I was able to find out the truth about his extramarital affair. I found out that he had been having an affair for four years now, bore his mistress with two kids and housed them in a nice place which I had no knowledge of. He had been living a secret life all this time and had been treating the other woman as his wife.I readily forgave my husband and told him to work our marriage out. I did win the battle as I was witness to him ending his relationship with his mistress. A month after however, I found out that he went back to his mistress and continued their relationship while lying to me the whole time. I discovered all his deceit and lies but each time I forgave him and stuck it out with him. I have been suffering till now as I do not see any changes taking place in my husband’s attitude regarding his relationship with his mistress. All my life I had wished for nothing but a perfect marriage and a happy family. Because of my husband’s betrayal, my 8-year old daughter has been greatly affected. This has also caused me so much pain physically that my health begins to deteriorate and my successful career is now threatened as my boss has noticed that I am most of the time spaced out and in limbo.I have so many times thought of leaving my husband but each time he holds on to me and promises to work things out with me and leave his mistress for good. He has been practicing Christianity and claims that he has been transformed.I know my situation is difficult because there are kids involved with the other woman which my husband needs to support financially. I know and I believe that my husband no longer loves me but he loves his children with me so much that he cannot afford to leave us. It is such a painful thought that the husband that I prayed for is the very reason why my family is disintegrating, has stopped loving me, is in love with his mistress and is only staying married to me because of our kids.
The pain is unbearable. I live each day and draw strength from my two little kids. I haven’t hurt anyone, my kids bear the consequence of not having a complete family that they deserve; and I know deep inside that my husband’s happiness and his mistress’ happiess as well won’t last long because it’s built around my misery and my kids’ unhappiness.
What a wife like me to do? I wish several times to leave him and find my own happiness with anothe person that will hopefully this time truly love me and treat my kids as his own. That’s just easy to say, I suppose.