Learn from these real life extramarital affair coaching scenarios.
In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.
I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.
The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.
Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:
Trust has been broken and it will never be the same. I know that at some point he will earn my trust back but it will never be the same level. This whole experience has taught me to think about my needs, think of the ways that the relationship has been unfulfilling for me and asking for what I want. It helped me find out about boundaries and how to figure out which boundaries I needed to set up. I just defend my space more I guess. If I find out that he is having another affair, it would be easier for me to accept the truth and walk away, rebuild my life because I spent enough time on myself and figured out what I want and who and what my sources of support are. I am interested in learning more about identifying and breaking the barriers that keep us from making an authentic and lasting connection. I think at the bottom of all barriers there is FEAR. How do we get over the fear to reach out and connect? My husband says I always have bad timing for these conversations. I feel very much like I am an invisible wife when we are together. We are just polite to each other. “Moving on” for him is to bury the past. I think it’s easier for the offender to bury the past. I have to say, there was more passion and more sex between us when the affair was going on because we really talked all the time about our feelings. Once he stopped the relationship, he avoids talking about his feelings and if I want to have this kind of intimacy with him, the door is “shut”. Sex is very blah because I feel invisible. It’s almost as if every move he makes to get close to me ( a hug, a kiss ) is very tentative, not really coming from a place of intimacy but it is more like a surface stroke. Why is he being so tentative and blah? I know I have too many questions but I need your help.
Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach
- Determine the pattern, the impasse, the barrier that precludes more intimacy.
- Identify the fearful part of me.
- Get to the bottom of “bad timing.??
- Explore in detail the kind of affair that you faced to help determine strategy.
Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:
- If the affair was “I don’t want to say no”” “I’m not sure I’m willing to live in a relationship where I struggle so much with being “invisible.?? I’m not sure when I will draw the line, but I’m almost certain it will be drawn, if I continue to feel the void.
- If the affair was “I need to prove my desirability”” “It is difficult maintaining and building our intimacy, the way it seems. I struggle with that?? feeling ok about myself. I wonder if you do too?”
- If the affair was “I want to be close to someone, but can’t stand intimacy”” “Wow! This has been a roller coaster ride. We move close, we move away. We seem to be pulling away now. I suppose this serves some purpose?”
- If the affair was “My marriage made me do it”” “OK, What the #%@# is going on here? There’s a part of me that wants to spit nails. I do NOT want to live this way. I’m royally #$% off at how this is going! And, I would think you might be #$#%# off too!”
What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.
Sandy
I checked out that website and decided to write here as the other blog is getting so long. In checking it out i found some things that were so true that I didnt see through those things. I was in an emotional abuse situation but never gave it much merit, just lived with it I guess. Anyway I read a part where the abuser tries to come back making the promises etc, claiming their love. He did this on many occasions and after reading this it allowed me to learn that the reason he did it waas to try to regain control over me again. I guess I didnt fall for it as I would have years earlier because of the 6 children who were at stake. I just stood back from it and let time show true colors and it did and didnt even take very long. Once he realized he couldnt control me he ran far and fast. Even his recent attempts to convince my daughter we never had a relationship ever, I mean really 26 yrs, 6 kids give me a break. But it is their way of trying to continually keep you in an abuseve state by trying to hurt you whatever way they can and not face up to their own demons. It said affairs are about anything but love, there about desperation. So remember this girls, I believe Dr Bobs theory in that eventually their relationship with the op will everntually recyle the same. I believe he will eventually become controlling of her life as he did mine, no friends, telling me how to dress what to wear who to talk to using anger to make you co toe to their ways. She is young and may not have the intelligence or strength to see it and or leave it but will affect her personally. He will have her where he wants her but what will they really have. I have a newfound freedom and even though its been a huge struggle emotionally, financially more and more everyday I am a new person. There is hope I never thought I could get past it and many times I still do fall back but more and more as times goes on there are more better days than bad days. Even though I am alone i am more fulfilled in many ways. Anyone who thinks they might be in and emotionally abusive relationship should read the website you provided. Thanks it gave me a different perspective on this whole thing
Shennie,
Oh my gosh, yes. He is verbally and emotionally abusive, and VERY CONTROLLING. He has always tried to control every aspect of my life and the kids. He hates the relationship I have with my parents and friends. He always puts down my appearance to make me feel inferior to him. I guess I was doing the same thing you did, you get USED to this treatment, and after many years you start to believe something is wrong you. My biggest heartache is the kids. I just cry thinking about being divorced and how they will adjust. Did your kids do OK???? Also, what exactly is the SURFACE STROKE? I agree with you that they will also try and control the OP eventually.
Shennie & Liz, So sorry for what you both are going through and are still going through. My husband is verbally abusive but he does it in the form of a joke. But if the other person isn’t laughing then it’s not funny. I’ve started to draw boundaries and when he goes too far, I leave the room. Of course, then he gets mad and says I take things too personally. I don’t mind jokes and there are things he can tease me about, but outright disrespect especially in front of others is unacceptable. And lately he’s started doing it to my kids. He told my 10 year old daughter in front of some friends that she needed to use deodorant b/c she smelled and then he laughed. She was mortified. Liz, if you allow him to speak to you disrespectfully, you will be teaching your daughters that it’s ok for their boyfriends/husbands to treat them disrespectfully and you’ll be teaching your sons how to treat their girlfriends/wives. About a year ago, we were all eating in a restaurant (when affair was hot & heavy) and he was being really, really mean to me and started quietly yelling at me. I calmly said, that’s it. You’re not talking to me that way. I got up & said kids let’s go. We left him sitting there by himself. I told my kids that it was unacceptable the way that he was behaving. They understood and I hope that it taught them about respecting others. He’s still verbally abusive but it’s more subtle now. I think that he is angry & miserable and I’m the easiest one to take it out on. Don’t worry about your kids. They will be fine. I’m sure it will be hard, but they need you in one piece emotionally. If your husband is draining you, then you will have nothing left to give them.
Take care & I wish you both well!
Glad we are moving to a new section. The other blog was getting pretty hard to manuveur thru. I think the surface stroke is the cheater telling you what you want to hear and not really getting to the truth. It’s saying they are committed to you, the affair is over, “trying” to communicate, show you affection, etc. but deep down nothing has changed. It’s like just going through the motions but not really meaning it. They are still involved, still detatched and still cheating. I can say that my husband never has been abusive, verbally or otherwise. But when he is seeing her, his demeanor toward me and the kids changes. He is less involved, I guess. I can tell, because he loses interest in the kids and has a really short fuse with me and them over little things. It triggers my suspicions every time and I am always right.
I can say that this is my last cycle of him getting off the fence. I know that for my health both physically and mentally, I cannot go through this again. No matter how much he cries and begs to stay and ends it with her or not, I won’t be able to take him back. At some point I have to think about me. I have two small kids and as much as it will kill me to put them through a divorce and the back and forth between two houses etc. I know that in the long run I will be a better mother if I am mentally healthy. This relapse of him seeing her again, just about did me in. Things have been so great. We were getting along great, talking, sharing, loving. We had a great holiday. We made plans for a trip in April. We are going away this weekend together without the kids. All his ideas. Then he gets this “overwhelming” feeling to see and talk to her and he acts on it. He said he needed to find out if the feeling was that he needed to be with her but only found that as soon as he got there and talked to her he thought “What am I doing here?” I guess I should be glad for that. That he found that seeing her didn’t make him feel better or answer his questions of doubt. My only regret is that I didn’t grab him before he left and tell him to just stay home from work and be with me. That I didn’t go with my instinct and stop it before he left. I know I can’t blame myself, and he might have gone anyway, but the sick feeling started as soon as he left that day. I knew by the way he kissed me good bye and sat on the bed like he wanted to say something.
So here I am starting from square one again and starting the grieving process over again. Hopefully, it will go quicker this time. I am over the denial phase. Anger is coming, I can feel it. Acceptance, well only time will tell I guess. If there is a “next” time, I have promised myself that as horrible as telling my family, our friends etc. that we are getting a divorce, it won’t be as horrible as living like this. At least I won’t be betrayed and decieve anymore. At least I can get my self esteem back and self respect. The hardest part is the telling. Telling my family, his family and most importantly, my kids. It would be truely devastating to everyone, but life is not always easy and people will get used to it, as will I and the kids.
I have read alot about what to do with pre-schoolers and divorce. How they will feel and what to say and do. I need to protect them and make them feel safe. I won’t ruin their lives because their parents screwed up. I will put them first always. I will find the strength somehow. I looked at my beautiful little girl this morning and saw her smiling face (she is always chatting and smiling) and thought may you never feel this kind of pain ever in your life and may you always smile like you are now. I can only hope I will not have to go through with a divorce and that this time it really is over.
Liz
You gotta check out that website that Sandy left it really opened different doors for me because even though I knew he was like that it didnt phase me that it had alot to do with how everything came about. I will explain it a bit and hopefully may shine more perspective on your own things.
In the prior two years before he left I became a volunteer for our local skating club, I took on a huge position which involved dealing with alot of people. There were meetings only once a month and when I would go he would grill me about it afterward and if I was home past the time he thought I should be I certainly heard about it. Most of this is usually done not in front of people or if it is it is people who dont matter. He rarely did it in front of friends so as not to give himself away, we had workers on our farm who were mexican and he definately did it in front of them, I guess to show them his power. He once let something slip in front of his brother totally embarassing me and instead of arguing I just walked out , his brother chastised him and came to me to apologize on his behalf. Lets just say they know when and how to do it so they dont look bad. Anyway the more I became involved the more he hated it, we also switched dance studios to a larger club(more People) and he began to resent that. We would go out with the other parents and we would come home and whine , they dont like me etc etc so as to discourage us from being involved. Even before this I had paint classes, he had every excuse in the book why I couldnt or shouldnt go, I missed 6 weeks and finally quit and it didnt bother him a bit. It never occurred to me that the more he thought he lost control of me the farther away from me he went and the closer to her because she could be controlled. Its so weird. But I have to tell you even through all the sadness I do have to say that if I want to talk on the phone I can, if I want to have so and so for a friend I can, there is a new found freedom in that you can again become who you once were.
MS my X did something to my daughter too which did come up in the disclosure of the kids. My oldest was 14 at the time and of course the teenage years upon her, anyway she bought a thong while shopping one day, he stole it from her and took it to the market where we sell our products and gave it to a lady who starched it for him into a candy dish, she returned it the following market and in front of my daughter and other kids, and fellow vendors and customers, flagged it in the air badly embarassing her in front of everyone. also making it seem like a joke but definately wasnt. Joke or no joke it is absolutely a form of control and power over someone.
Its not younger kids that are most affected by divorce, it is the older children. The age is directly related to how they will continue and the actions your x takes in handling things with them. I believe if they are 6 and under they are fairly unaffected if he continues to be part of their life and even so they have not yet developed huge feelings and adjust very well to any new environment as long as they are doing the things they like to do. If they are 12 or older they are scarred in ways, they have developed much deeper feelings for this person and truly look to them good or bad they will either hate him , or use the situation to their own advantage by playing both sides. The in between age depends on his relationship with them, my one daughter was 9 and did not have tremendous feelings but enough that she had no value for him any longer and not enough so that she missed anything she hadnt really become accustomed to. I supporse alot of this depends on many factors, their environment, their personal losses and how he deals with them and all of it in general. So there prob is no real rule of thumb but those were my experiences. We often think that when they are young it will hurt more but I think it is the opposite. My 16 yrs olds daughters boyfriend father left when he was 4 or 5 and his mother remarried. The father made bigger efforts when he was 8 to be a part of his life but the boy looked to his new father as his dad. He is now sixteen and has not seen his real father for many years by his choice and his step father he calls dad and is his real father for every intent and purpose that matter. For some of my kids they call him by his first name and for the others he is their father but not their dad. Hope that makes some sense.
Joan
Ya the shoe does feel good on the other foot doesnt it, its a real gas actually. Play it up and let her wallow in her own bed you deserve to give a little something back for all her trouble afterall lol.
Sue, I hope for you everything works out the way you hope, What I have a hard time understanding about all of these situations is that once its found out it should go one way or another and not carry on for months on end. If they only had the shoe on the other foot how would they feel, I wonder what they would say if you asked how would they like it or what would they do. Maybe there is some merit to that, say you want to have a little chat and instead of you telling him what you think or want him to do, let him do the answering and maybe thats the key. its worth a shot. I mean think about it , like if you said okay well pretend it was me in another relationship what would you ask of me, how would you feel if I didnt end it. What would you want me to do if I said I want things to work etc. write some question that of course have obvious answers and without telling him what they are let him give them. They are not stupid and do know right from wrong. I know my ex if someone had told him of our situation like it was their own he would have choice words but since it was him he didnt. I did and thinking back it may have been of benefit to ask him how he thought things should go, just think about it at some point anything is worth a try at least with this theory you are not putting them on the defense and giving them the chance to make it their idea . You know the old that a great idea even if it may have been yours to begin with. We are all praying for you.
That boy who passed his Dad put a letter on his website today about family and love and his wife being the heart of the family and how grateful he was etc etc. brought tears to my eyes to see that there are real men out there. He said his boy got up out of his bed ten minutes before he passed, drugged to the nines for pain and hugged them, laid back down and passed on, it was so so sad, I cried so hard I had a headache for the rest of the day.but it gave me hope that their are good people out there somewhere and Id rather have one of those than the one I had. halleluia
Hi all. I did post on the other blog last night, but will start posting here.
MS…..I am sitting here in tears reading your entry. I feel your pain in your words. I feel it easily as you describe exactly how I feel. Except for the telling part. I have not had any trouble with that. It has helped me to tell. It is all I’ve had for support.
Hang in there….whatever that means and know that you are strong and will be OK. If the kids don’t know anything yet and you do end up there, you will have another round to wade through. But I have to say, if you can hang in, it sounds like you and your husband might be able to pull through this. Read Marlene’s entries of past. I’ve recently spoken with a friend who also stayed through the back and forth and is so glad for it. Talked to someone else again last night who’s sister stayed and is so happy for it. These are the stories that keep me going.
Of course, I don’t even have him home. So I may never have the chance to stay through the back and forth. Which would be a shame. I don’t feel like I’m getting the ‘surface stroke’. There have been some pretty major changes for the better. But I am married to someone who has never been very good with delayed gratification. So how is he going to pull this off now? Maybe he can if he truly loses me………..but then what?
Enough about me. Another day. MS…….I’ll be thinking of you.
Shennie,
Your post showed up after I had written. We do talk about all of that…..and often. This is where he makes no excuses. The excuses come when he is kidding himself to try to avoid the pain….which is inevitable. He knows that now, but it is a recent realization. He truly bought the line “I need some time to unravel this mess.” Honestly, I bought it at first as well (as I think I wrote at one point).
I now know that a relatively ‘nice’ ending is a fantasy. Time in this way is a fantasy. It just has to happen and we have to go through the pain of the next steps. Again……any ideas for web sites to help him through this? He wants the help and it is killing me to provide that level as well. I need to continue to take care of me and the kids. I can support him, but I can’t be his counselor. AND if she doesn’t move out for good………no support, counseling, or anything else. I’ll just be scraping myself off the ground.
Sue, my husband and I have been looking for support for him online also, but haven’t been able to really find anything. Not really any forums for the one who cheats. I am going to look at IVillage.com today to see if they have any discussion boards for them. I bought Dr.Guzenburg’s book online, as recommended by Dr. Bob. It has a great section for the cheating spouse and a bonus book for them. He did say that it helped him quite a bit. The problem is they have to want to get help and read and get counseling. My husband wasn’t really ready till now. He said he was before, I think to make me feel better, but never went through with it. We did go to a marriage counselor for a time in the summer, but he was still in the thick of things, back and forth and as you well know, it wasn’t really going to do any good with her still in the picture. A waste of time at that point. We are supposed to make an appt with a new marriage counselor and individual therapy as well. We shall see what happens with that, only time will tell.
June D, Shennie, Liz, I am so sorry to hear that along with the pain of the affair, that you have to deal with abuse also. As I said previously, my husband has never been abusive. He actually has always been very loving and even when I was big and pregnant, always complimented me and tried to make me feel beautiful. I think that’s partly why I didn’t pick up on the affair at first, until he was way into it and I was pushing him away because I was angry and suspicious. I was thinking if he was this horrible person who verbally or physically abused me or my kids etc. I would just let him go, good riddance. Even at his worst, he only had a disinterest in me and the kids and a short fuse with us. Of course I was there to funnel the tension off by taking care of them so he wouldn’t lose it with them. I know that it’s easier said than done and that for all of us, we have our reasons for staying. I think that’s where therapy comes into play. Abusers lower your self esteem and make you think you are not worthy of respect and love. That’s how they get you to hold on. Control you. I’m not saying any of you should give up on your marriages because of this, that is for you to decide. I just hope that you don’t let him knock you down so bad that you think you are not worthy of a better life. I know I couldn’t see the forest for the trees so to speak, but once I clear my head and see that there is life out there without him and I can make it on my own, I can do it if need be.
In a way I guess affairs are all a type of abuse. So I guess my husband did abuse me, emotionally. I’ll have to think about that more. Thanks for the kind words and I’ll be checking in to see how you all are doing. Take care of YOU!
MS….thanks. I also downloaded that book over the weekend and just sent it to him this AM. He asked for it and I hope he’ll actually take the time to read it. He has already read an excerpt from it that was on another site and found it really helpful (the whole addiction thing).
However, still haven’t heard from him today and have no idea what that means….if anything. I feel like I’m going to throw up. As painful as it all is I just need a more defined direction right now. Clearly not making it through today so well…….
Sue, at least he is making an effort to work back toward the marriage. It’s like they say, it ain’t over till it’s over. They have to really want it. They are the one’s who are weak, not us. Look at us, how strong we are! We have to be to be able to survive this. Don’t give up. Be his rock. Show him that you’re love is worth fighting for. I am hoping that if the addiction cycle can be broken with my husband than we will truely have a chance. Although, I think at this point if he reached out again to the OP, she would spit in his face, since he has given her the heeve ho like 7 times I think. If there is a next time of him reaching out to her, she will be the one with the ultimatum. Divorce me or else. She will be the one backed into the corner. And if that happens we can only see what he will do.
Hi all. Desperate today. Trying to stay out of that state, but it crept up on me. Haven’t had an anxiety attack in months and had two full blown ones today. YUCK!
My husband did not call me today until tonight after promising to do so. However, his apologies are the why. He actually went to the OP’s counselor with her. SO hard to hear. However, so much of what needs to be done got done. He was totally honest (I do believe this) with her for the first time. Saying it was over was not it and we both knew it. Telling her his feelings for me was a different story.
He is still so conflicted and I hate it, but sounds so much more calm. Thanks me for pushing him to be honest and despite my doubts, tells me it was a huge step in our direction. Again, the last chapter is so far from being written. I feel better, but only because I have felt so awful all day. After that, not so much better.
Trying to hang in there. I could give more detail but I don’t want to put you all to sleep. We are both looking forward to more discussions tomorrow night. My deadline hangs in the air.
As always…….all thoughts welcome. Thank you MS….You got me through the day. Tomorrow……….
Sue
I am trying to remember how long this has gone on for you and dont want to go back through all the blogs.
Wow went to a counsellor with her.I find that a little hard to understand in some ways. Are you and him also going to a counsellor. What is having her there going to accomplish I should think that he might go on his own rather than with her,and the same for her. Is this the trying to break it off thing because I am concerned that it may just bring her closer to her. I have never heard of this.
My heart goes out to you
Vincent
I have a couple of kids the same age as the kids you have that felt the same way. I will give you some insight if you really want to repair the damage youve done.
Firstly if you have ended it make sure it stays ended otherwise the first time you step out of line it will take even more for them to have faith in you again. My x did that too, supposedly ended it even told them he was dumping her so to speak, they waited to see if it happend waited to see if they were important enough for it to be true. He didnt do it and kept us all on a roller coaster ride for months on end. the longer the ride the less chance you will ever recover anything. It has been 4 yrs and at this point he has caused them so much damage they do have not spoken much to him during this entire time. When they have he has only layed blame elsewhere. the key to that is accept responsibility and do not blame anyone else for your behavior. own it. Sit them down and have a heart to heart , but dont make promises you are not prepared to keep. My x never sat down with them to talk to them and face it all and it did not work to his favor to avoid it it only grew worse. The one child that was brave enough to confront him because she was almost the age of his girlfriend and was apalled about that part of it, tried to tell him so and he demanded of her that she not talk to him like that because he was her father and she had no right to talk to him this way. Well she did and he was only using a form of anger and control to belittle her feelings of morality and judgement.They never spoke again for over 2 yrs. There are grandchildren he will never see in his lifetime, so sad for him.
All I can really say is what you say you better mean or your sol. At this stage of your life what most people dont realize is it is very difficult to begin again. You will never have this same family to grow old with . You will spend your life dating finding someone else with some other persons kids and have a bish bosh of mixed family madness and just be going through life and the motions. If your sorry prove it and dont look back because if you do and the longer you do the more it will all be doomed to failure.
Hi Ladies,
I am glad I found you all at this blog too, the other is sooo long!
MS, I totally know where you are “at” with the children and divorce. I am in the same boat as far as not wanting a divorce, but feeling hopeless, etc. If I find out my husband is lying again, or seeing her AT ALL, I will divorce him. No more chances. (he is well aware of this).
Also, has anyone been “fooled” for the 3rd time? I have been fooled twice now… and I don’t think I can emotionally handle a 3rd time, but I am well aware of the possibility, believe me. He said something the other night that upset me, he used the line, “do you really think I could get away with it again?” and I told him “yes!”. He tells me that his head was messed up and now he’s better, and stonger, etc. Do you think this is lip service and have your spouses ever used the line, “I am here aren’t I? If I wanted to be with her I would, etc”……just curious if he’s following a similar pattern to other men, etc.
Sue, I am so sorry you are feeling badly. I am also having anxiety attacks from this last bout of him seeing the OP. My husband wrote me a very long email last night about how much he loves me and how sorry and ashamed he is about what he has done to me. Promises of getting help, truth telling, honesty etc. (He is out of town on travel for work) I think I am anxious because when he has been gone before on travel, this is when he can talk freely to her without me there lurking. It’s different this time as I can check his email to see if they are in contact. But, I am still sick to my stomach every minute.
My question to you is “Are you ready for the deadline?” Are you preparing yourself for if he doesn’t give you the answer you want? I just hate for you to paint yourself into a corner if you aren’t ready. I know it’s like how much more can I take, but sometimes the waiting, which sucks, is all you can do until he is really, truely ready to do ALL he can to come home. Does he know the conditions that you are going to make if he comes home? Do you know the conditions you will need to give him? My husband was never truely transparent until now. And even now I have my doubts, as I am never sure anymore what he would do to me. He has done soooooo many hurtful, deceitful things. Things I never imagined he or anyone could do to another person. I know this may be hard to hear, but pushing him into a deadline may not be the way to go. I always felt like I was the one doing all the “work”. He would just say yes to ease the tension, but until he did it on his own, it wasn’t working. All I can say is they have to do it on their own, their own timeline, etc. It’s so hard to let them go and just be there willing to talk and forgive. I know there is a point of enough is enough. Maybe you are there. As long as you can cope with the decision he makes then I’ll be here for you to talk to. I will check back often to see how you are. If you would like to email me I can give you my email address. Praying for you.
My husband will be home tonight, I think so not sure if I’ll be at the chat session. My name on there is trying to trust. Don’t know why I didn’t just use MS. Anyway, stay strong, take deep breaths and take care of you. MS
Liz, 3rd time? Gosh let’s see this is like number 7 of him going back to “talk” maybe more. There are times that I don’t even know of that he was in touch with her and when he didn’t leave me she wouldn’t talk to him. All I can say is if you feel it in your gut, you’re probably right. Don’t do anything about it until you have proof though. Don’t accuse with just a feeling. Everyone’s situation is different so I can’t tell you for sure you won’t have to deal with this again. I know in my case it’s the addiction of the affair, this 2,3,4 wk cycle that he couldn’t break. He would go 2-3 wks with no contact and be fine, happy here etc and then get the feeling, need, whatever to contact her. He said he could not do anything to stop it. Now he says the last time he gave in to talk to her he realized as he was sitting there that he really didn’t love her and he thought what am I doing here. He said he started comparing us, and that what he felt for me was what he wanted. Only then it was too late as he had reeled her in again. So I found an email from her about it. (I installed a keylogger program on my computer that couldn’t be detected by him) I confronted him, I actually packed his bags this time. He came flying home from work, crying, apologizing, begging……Then came the truth! He has been the one to pursue her. He always goes back etc. It took us two days to figure out this addiction thing and we made an appt today with a new counselor. The old one wasn’t helping.
And Liz, those exact words have come out of my husband’s mouth about if I wanted to leave I would, and if I wanted to be with her why wouldn’t I just go blah, blah, blah. My husband never left except for a few days here and there. He always says, why couldn’t I leave, why didn’t I just go? He has told me that the very first time he didn’t leave was mainly because of the kids, but that after that he would say he was leaving, tell her he was and then as soon as he saw me, he just couldn’t do it. Anyway, you’ll have to decide for yourself if he is telling the truth. Trust is a very hard thing to earn back. Just one comment from them can send you reeling in doubt. I too have said this is the last time. Then here we are again. I guess the more times it happens the stronger I get though. Each time my plan for divorce gets further along. This time was different I must say. There is no hiding anything. I have all passwords, phone etc. I am not afraid to ask or look and he knows I will. Only time will tell the outcome. I wish you well. Take care.
Hi, I was just wondering if we could share our ages, spouses and that of the OP.
I am 37, spouse 43, OP 47. Just wanted to get an idea of all of us since we’ve been corresponding for quite some time. Again, you all have made me so much stronger with your support.
MS – I got the same thing, “If I wanted to be with her, don’t you think I would just leave and be with her” and you know what I told him, “NO, you want us BOTH! You want your wife and family at home, and your girlfriend on the SIDE”. and then he just gets all defensive and flustered. Did he also tell you, “I’ve never realized just how much I love you until now” blah, blah, blah. Did your husband tell you that he would never “risk doing it again”? this is all the talk I am getting right now. And he confessed that he initiated all the contact too. Did your husband tell you that by asking details it wasn’t doing you two any good? Or how about, “we need to move forward”. It’s endless. I just want to know if it’s “for real” and I guess I won’t for a very long time. How do you get a keystroke program, and do you need to know thier e-mail password? How does it work. I am an expert on cell phone bills, just not keystroke programs! Ha!
Shennie…….and all…..the affair started the first weekend in June of last year. I found out the last week in August (after much confronting and denying). He moved out after 2 weeks, was back for one and then moved out on our anniversary in mid Sept. for ‘good’. I’m 43, he’s 45 and she is 27.
The counselor they went to is her therapist. I’m practicing keeping my mouth shut with that one because they talked about how they would ‘seperate’ and not have contact. The therapist gave the OP the book “After the Affair” and was quite clear that the triangle had to be over. It seems he may have actually found a counselor through this therapist. Hate the avenue, but we were at a dead end.
I just don’t know what will happen. I believe I am prepared to hold to the deadline. We’ve done so much work that he now has to give her up and stop hurting me in this way if there is any hope of moving forward. He is making it increasingly hard on himself and I think will only do it with a deadline……if at all.
Divorce takes time, so we’ll see. I pray it doesn’t get there. I am willing to move the deadline for progress and a plan (not much of a move mind you), but have not told him that as he is very focused on having this done by Monday. We were all supposed to go skiing which I still want to do and let her move out while we are gone. Of course this is unfathomable to him. This is where I become not-so-good at charging neutral. I’m trying though. I’ve/We’ve made it this far I think I need to take a lot of deep breaths and see where the next few days bring us. I wish he could see that the more time he spends with her the harder it is for them to stop. Although she seems to have gone somewhere for last night and tonight (he’s having dinner here). So it looks like I’ll have to brace myself for Thursday-Sunday, skiing alone with the kids and having no idea if I’ll be single or not when I return. We do have counseling on Friday.
My poor kids…….I am almost guarenteed to be cranky from all the stress. Will try to stay positive. Thanks again for all the support.
BTW I was going to buy “Not Just Friends” and I remembered I bought a book in September (and read it). Turns out it was that one. He gets it tonight.
Hi All… I am 40, spouse just turned 46 and OP is 44. I have 3 children, 10,10 & 4. The OP has a grown daughter who has a lot of issues! No money, no husband, can’t keep a job or a boyfriend and has 2 kids (4 & newborn) with 2 different fathers who are not in the picture. Always borrowing money, needing help with the kids, etc. OP also has a lot of health issues. She use to be a client of my husbands about 12 years ago and they developed a friendship (never out of her office). He hired her to replace me as his controller when I had my 4 year old. He always liked her & she & I & her husband would go out together and had a great time. My husband has never been much of a family man-alway work and his hobbies (motorcycles, etc) but does love his kids and would do things with us. She has been miserable in her marriage for a long time and in spring of ’05 they worked closely on a project together and I think that she chased him (bought him things, etc). But he says it was all his idea but she was obviously receptive. Anyway, in May ’05 it heated up and he told her he loved her, etc. I figured out the affair in June ’06 but he denied it. Got proof (charged a dinner when I went out of town) and told him end of July that I was leaving. I believed that it was just an emotional affair-phone calls, e-mail, breakfast, dinners, etc). He broke it off and told me he loved me. I didn’t have him fire her but his business partner told her she would be fired if she crossed the line. I knew she loved her job and I thought they could just go back to being friends. I was naive but hindsight is 20/20. Anyway, they got secret phones, met on the sly, etc. I discovered it in Jan ’06 which completely baffled me b/c we were doing so much better. He had his moments where he’d be ok one day and distant & critical the next. It was still a roller coaster but far different that 6 months before that. Anyway, I told him in Feb ’06 after I put a recorder in his car & found out exactly what was going on. Got the attorney & everything. He cried & cried (never cries) and fired her the next day. Went to counseling & apologized and I thought for sure this was over. In a week he was calling her to check on her, see if she got another job, etc. Found a txt mail from her on his phone in March & told him to get out & threw phone @ door & broke phone. He told me he had ended it a few day b/f – lie which I discovered 2 weeks later when I got txt mail detail from Verizon. Called her husband (our friend) and told him. He was devasted. I was really hoping he would kick my husband’s ass. Very disappointed that he didn’t. I think that would have ended it. Anyway nothing changed. We moved forward but he resumed contact. Found something else & kicked him out for a week and he said he called her & told her it was over-loved his family, etc. Seemed sincere. Came home. Resumed contact through e-mail on phone but stopped when I noticed that kilobites were high. But couldn’t prove anything. Used calling card then to talk to her. I found calling card in Sept and told him to leave, but decided to wait til Jan 15 so kids could have a good Christmas. So, you see Liz, we all are talked into staying. I’m looking at my e-mail & thinking “What a complete fool I’ve been!” If he wants her, leave. But He wants me & the kids & the house, etc, too. But there are too many things now that don’t make sense & he’s still distant, won’t go to counseling though he did start attending a Bible study. Has been nicer the last few days. Maybe he’s b/t contact again. But I did start the marriagemax & I really like it. It’s 7 weeks & I’m going to try to not think about her until it’s over. But it’s really hard! Hopefully by then he’ll have given her up & if not, I should be strong enough to let go and leave. If we all had a crystal ball, we would know what to do, but we don’t & we’re all trying to make the right decision, especially for the future & for out kids. But I’ve done my absolute best for the last year & 1/2 (as I’m sure all of you have) and if he leaves, he leaves & I can live with that. Best of luck to all of you. I pray that your marriages work out but more importantly I pray that you have peace and that you make the decisions that will give you the best life you can have. btw… sorry I rambled so long… feeling a little down & appreciate your support :)
Liz, my husband said almost exactly all the same things to me that your husband has said to you. His famous words were “It’s over just get over it” “She hates me, are you happy?” “I just want to forget about it and move on” “You’re never going to trust me so we might as well cut our losses and just end it” Plus all the ones you mentioned and probably more. It’s funny, that affairs are so similar in nature. If I have learned anything from this it’s that cheaters have some kind of character flaw, I think. They all have similar ways of thinking and feeling. Strangers, yet so much alike in character. I wish there were a support group somewhere for them all to go and see that other cheaters say and do the same things they have. Talk about how they felt and how they got to the point they are at. My husband has been looking online for someplace like this for support but has found nothing. Maybe if Dr. Bob is reading this, he could start a blog for the cheaters to go to and feel safe. Somewhere they can go to post their feelings without judgement. There is alot of support for the offended partner but none for the offenders.
The keysroke program I bought was online at Spyrecon.com I think. You pay with a credit card and download it to your computer. Then you can use the “stealth” mode to hide it from being seen. Initaially, I had to delete it from the desktop icons, but it still is in the harddrive. The program will tell you how to access it and use a password you create to see whats been done. It works. Good luck. MS
Oh forgot. You wanted to know stats on ages and such. I am 38, husband 38 and OP 33. We have been married 11yrs, 2 kids ages 5.5 and 4 and dated for 5 yrs before we married. We also went thru inferitlity with my 5 y/o and for 5 yrs and ended up doing invitro fertilization with her then when my daughter was 8 mos old, I got pg on my own, oops! I also had 2 miscarriages before my daughter. It was a very stressful time and probably had alot to do with our relationship troubles and unresolved issues. Anyone else go thru IF? Just curious. MS
Hey everyone….I know I was the last one to send a note, but it feels better to me to write here than on the ‘word’ document I’ve been keeping for myself throughout this process. If someone responds it makes me feel like I’m not writing into the abyss of myself.
My husband just left(after dinner). We had a truly bad lunch……all I did was complain (nice word) about all that was happening. I let the hurt, helplessness, frustration and anxiety overflow. We had a nice dinner. It wasn’t without its turmoil by any means. But he just called to say how much he appreciated me and my honesty and I feel like I’ve held on for another day.
Here is the best part of it. I told him that as much as I loved him, I loved myself more. WOW! I’ve been told this is a part of life for all my years and never could get there. It may have been a moment in time, but I believed it when I said it. How empowering. It totally took him aback….in a good way. Still don’t know what will happen as feelings and actions change from moment to moment, but this was a life changing moment for me. I hope I can hold onto it!
Given my anxiety attacks and self doubt of the past few days I had to share my momentary triumph. I hope someone out there understands.
I know I am not strong enough yet to make it through the next few days well. But I hope it will be better than in the past. It might be worse……if I could only know.
I went into today feeling OK not knowing the outcome, but just living today. I then gave into self doubt for the majority of the day and am ending up feeling confident that I’ve done the best I can do and that I can expect no more. How much of that is a response to him? I don’t have that answer. I pray that I am doing the right thing for me. I feel it, but question it nonetheless.
Sue
Why on earth would he think its all unfathomable, 3 months is not all that long to go cold turkey , so does that mean he would be moving back, I am surprised since he is back and forth that she is putting up with it unless she is needy and maybe gets a different story of why he is going to see you. Have you ever spoke to her at all
Hey dont go skiing alone with just the kids , invite someone along that would be good company for you and make the most of it. Does he just not want to go or is it he pitys her if she has to go. Does that mean its his place and she lives with him which is why she would move out. Why not let her stay and him move back home maybe its the only way he can end it, and it may push her to get uninvolved. Wow I give you credit I dont know if I could charge neutral as good as you are. I guess it was maybe part of my doom but I say it like it is and its who I am and I like who I am. Her being pregnant didnt help one bit poor thing.
I am 45, my ex is 46 and she is 22(18 when he met her and in high school, eeewww) My older children find it disgusting. She is actually closer in age to her own child than she is to him, and only 4 yrs older than our oldest daughter. Well maybe when he becomes old and crippled and needs some viagra and she is hitting her thirty and fortys and rarin to go he will finally be sol, which I believe will happen eventually. for now they are one big happy family. rah rah.
Good Luck this weekend , hopn the best for you
To Shennie
Thanks for your advice.This’madness’ on my part has ended and i sincerely tell you and anyone who reads this that it will never happen again.
As a backround only I say the following: I was working from home I live in Dublin I was on the net all day long and strted accessing porn ,this graduated to AFF chat site and into the local chat room.Here i met th OP also married and looking for no strings fun as I was. We became friends exchanged numbers and then eventually met.All through this time we had a text relationship going. I did not fall in love with her although she may have done with me .I allowed myself to be flattered by all the attention and returned it both verbally and by text.
She lives about 100 miles from me and after our initial contact there were 4 other meetings over a period of 3/4 months but we would have met had I not been discovered.
At the time I considered this was all about me and I let my ego be messaged.
I do not love this person and pray to GOD that I will never want to be ,dont mind ever actually be,this selfish again.
I am heartily sorry for the sad sick person I allowed myself to become allowing my sexual urges and ego take over my life.
If and when my girls are prepared to talk to me again,they wont at the moment,I shall tell them this .
I greatly appreciate your advice and thank you from the bottom of my heart.
My wish is to get my family back and I will do whatever is neccessary to do this including keeping my mouth shut for the time being.
I am fully responsible for this heartbrake and have taken full ownership of it.
Hi All –
Just read your posts.
MS – it is amazing the same lines these guys use, almost verbatim! The worst part is when they tell you this the first time (after the first discovery of the affair) you beleive their lines because you are so devistated and in a “fog” that you want to think they have come to their senses. And, I’ve only seen my husband cry like 5 times in 18 years, so when he was balling his eyes out, I totally thought he was sincere! (wrong).
I know a couple now that is going through IF and it has not been successful, and it’s very hard for them. And, I am sure like you said, it caused stress in your marriage. Even if everything goes right with pregnancies and children, it’s still the most stressful job in the world. They say affairs happen shortly after having children. My husband told me that he “fell out of love with me” after our son was born. (but when I filed for divorce, now I am the “love of his life” go figure!)I think he cracked from the stress of a 2year old and a newborn. He is selfish and I also think the kids took away from his attention. (grow up). \
Shennie – I hope she dumps him for a younger guy! Karma baby!
Vincent – I wish some of the offending spouses could read your post. Keep supporting her. My husband wrote, “i love my wife” on the bathroom mirror while it was all steamed up and when i got out of the shower, I saw it and cried. He also sent me roses to work. This was right after I found out for the second time. the problem is, he stopped doing these romantic gestures. It is almost worse than if he had not done them at all. You have to keep it up for a LONG time. If you don’t, she will think you don’t love her, you are not truly sorry, and that you are possibly still seeing the OP. This is where I am at. I am still hanging onto hope, but becuase he isn’t going that “extra mile” it makes it much harder for me to forgive, forget, and “move on”. Just a tip.
Sue – I think that was fabulous, you said that, “I love me more” He needs to hear that and ponder that one. that he is not the center of the universe. Ugh, I am so tired of the selfishness on all of their parts! I agree, if it was us doing this, would they be patient? Probably not! It goes back to the character flaw thing.
Take care everyone. It’s a new year and we have to think positive, no matter how all our stories play out. We are GREAT people and we only live once!!
Hey Vincent
I really can appreciate that you have chose to learn something from all of this inside of like most staying in a confused limbo state. Dont beat yourself up too much everyone does make mistakes, and for you at least you realized it and are owning it seldom do , I think many women on this blog wish their husbands felt what you do and so that they could work on it. Write your kids a letter if they wont talk to you and lay your feelings on the line they deserve it and you do owe it to them to let it out. What about your wife how is she with all of this, are you still at the home.
The grass isnt greener on the other side but it is through adversity like this that we can take what we have learned and improve the relationships that we have with the ones we have it with. so make that your life mission. Please keep all of us posted i am sure it would help people in the opposite position to know what you are doing from your perspective and how its all going and you can also keep reminding yourself by listening to all of us of the pain this infidelity can cause.
Obviously some things were wrong in your relationship to seek this out but the important thing now is to learn how to fix it the right way. All relationships have probs and it is important to deal with them and not make new ones. I wish you luck , keep us posted
Hi all… MS, I went through IVF with ICSI. On the first try we got twins. We were exremely blessed, but they were a lot of work. Were premature & only weighed 4.5 pounds each. After years of hoping for a baby, we had twins. I became very disappointed over the years though b/c my husband wasn’t much of a family man. Would much rather work than be with us. Anyway, when they went off to kindergarten, I was lonely so we went through IVF again and got 1 baby. He seemed much more into her than he had the twins (1 is less demanding than 2) but also seemed to become closer to the twins. He appeared to become more of a family man. His affair surprised me at that time b/c he seemed so much more focused. Maybe it was a front. Anyway, he withdrew from me & the kids & said that he never wanted kids. Funny, I don’t remember forcing him to give me shots in the butt every night. Regardless, after almost losing the kids, now he really has developed a close bond with them. I know that there is a big part of him that wishes for his freedom. But I do believe that one of the biggest reasons he stayed is b/c he loves the kids & doesn’t want anyone else raising them. So, in one sense, the affair actually strengthened his bond with his kids and for that I am extremely grateful. Guess we’ll see what it does to us. Time will tell.
Liz, you were asking about a keylogger. I got one about 9 months ago. It’s not software b/c we have security on our computers that prevents spyware. I got a “bullet” that you attach between your computer & keyboard. It’s from http://www.exploreanywhere.com. But like anything, if it’s discovered, it’s not good. My husband discovered it and was really mad. But too bad. He admitted that he use to have an e-mail account that he used with her. Unfortunately, I was never able to get the info as he didn’t do it at home. Anyway, if the back of your computer is concealed then I’d highly recommend this. It takes no technology or understanding of computers to use. Best of luck!
June, my husband has said in the past that he was leading a double life. One at work with this person that ended at 5p and the nights and weekends with us. He also said he was living to work and now he wanted to work to live. He was trying to explain that his job took over his life. He worked non stop even at home, especially when he was chatting with her on his computer and I didn’t know. Then the text message boom happened and it was easy to say it was business. I was clueless. Such a fool. Anyway, he never said he didn’t want kids, he was always willing to do whatever we needed with the IVF but once the kids were here, 16 mos apart, then he got to overwhelmed and wasn’t getting enough attention from me I guess so he turned to the OP. I thought I was doing my part by not burdening him with kid stuff and really I just alienated him. Anyway, he is much more involved now.
Vincent, if I knew that my husband was as sincere and honest at you are I wouldn’t feel this sick feeling all the time. Although he says he is NEVER going to stray again, only time will tell with his actions as the key. It’s too early to tell at this point. Too many lies and deceptions to trust him fully yet. Keep trying with your wife and kids. Through your actions they will know you mean what you say. Best of luck.
I am still in the home but in the west wing…..haha
I wrote to my eldest on saturday but that was a bit soon I think.Today my wife got angry with me and I think that was huge but who am i to say?
I should say that I am an alcoholic in recovery and have great support from the fellowship
Shennie,
She is NEEDY. But I am not at all sure she is ‘putting up with it’ at this point. We’ll see. She doesn’t seem to be around since the Monday thing. I am not going skiing (unless something changes by Saturday) as my daughter is sick and I think I’m coming down with it too.
My body seems to have had enough of the stress.
I have thought about having her stay in the house, but I am simply sick to death of paying for her on top of everything else. Not to mention it provides a built in reason for him to see her again as I’m sure the moving out would again cause an upheaval. It is also too close in proximity for my comfort level. That is why I forced the move out of the apartment we own. I just didn’t really believe she would move in with him at that point….silly me.
He came today to take care of our daughter as I had to work most of the day. While he was here he cleaned and did quite a bit of picking up. My daughter said he asked what he could do to help me and that he was crying a lot. I don’t have a clue as to what that means. He was still here when I stopped in for lunch and was very affectionate and positive. He called tonight and wants to see the kids and me tomorrow night after counseling (as well as lunch before). I think he had a break down as he was hanging up, but not sure. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I’m tired of asking right now as his head seems to run and circles and just creates more pain and stress for me.
I realized today that having a taste, the past month, of what our family and relationship could be like is what is causing me so much pain now. It was never terrible, so this has all been particularly hard to get my head around. However, as I’ve gotten more comfortable with ‘me’ and the kids have gotten more stable I was so much better prepared for any outcome. I feel like I’ve gone backwards in some ways as the pain is back in full force around the possiblity of losing this forever.
I can’t imagine what he will do as he truly seems to understand the deadline. He has not yet tried to move it although I did hint that a definate plan for the immediate future would work. Either he hopes to put this to rest one way or another this weekend, or he can not imagine how he will deal at all. Too much time thinking about what he is thinking. I’m losing myself…….FOCUS!!! Wow is this hard.
Sue
Hey I think your ok, just keep your focus. if he thinks that its tough now, divorce and all that goes with it will put him into greater turmoil also not just you. You are right he does have to make a decison and prolonging it will only worsen the whole thing.
Hope you and your daughter are feeling better soon. Sounds like he is coming around. I bought this book on fenshui and it says if you put a family pic of a happy family occasion in the southwest side of your home will increase and regain feelings of intimacy as well as placing yellow flowers in a clay container,its suppose to also help resist tempataion of affairs. or it also says to help avoid an affair you can also increase the energy of the north west by placing a metal clock in this direction of your home. Its really interesting stuff. Has rememdies for all kinds of stuff so I am trying a few, dont know if they work but Im gonna try some. It cant hurt anyway.
I was also reading in a womans world that you should never have heart to heart chats or arguments first thing in the morning because this is the highest point of testosterone levels at that time of day and he will be more likely to be uncompromising and say not to favors etc. But because of this high level of testosterone that means his libido is peaked and the most passionate time for him, just a though At night the level is lowest and oxytocin known as the bonding hormone is highest which is when he will be more relaxed affectionate and happy. Just a thought Has stuff for afternoon and early evening too if anyone is interested. Funny how we dont think of those kind of things much but are probably true. Keep writing
Sue – I know right where you are at with the stress issue and your health taking it’s toll. I am surprised my immune system still works at this point! I think your husband is “scrambling” big time, as he should be. I also have been doing way too much trying to figure out what my husband is thinking and i am going crazy once again. When he is really nice and affectionate, I think he’s trying to hide something (the surface stroke thing) and when he’s being distant and short tempered, I think the guilt is coming out. I don’t know, I have to put a deadline on this. I can’t go the entire year feeling this uneasy, and wondering about whether or not he’s lying and still seeing her. I decided to give it to the exact date of “discovery” which would be May 16th. If I still feel this awful, I need to make a decision of whether to stay or divorce. But, do I tell him this? Or just watch his actions and just make my decision based on those? I have been checking the cell phone bill on-line and so far it’s been clean. (but he used pay phones so it really doesn’t matter, if he wants to call her, he can!). Also, he told me the other night that the OP couldn’t stand checking up on her husband and following him, etc. (he used to cheat on her and they divorced). What really gets me is that if she used to be in our shoes, how can she do this to someone else knowing exactly what pain she would be inflicting on me. I could never do this to anyone knowing how horrible it is. I just don’t get people sometimes…
Hi all –
Can you please give me some input to this. My husband swears up and down he has not talked to the OP (again, I don’t trust his word after all I’ve been lied to about)…..just in your opionons, I had called the OP back in September after we decided to reconcile for the 2nd time and talked to her on the phone. I told her what I knew, details about the summer, places they had been, and I told her that my husband came clean and told me this. She said a few choice words to me and we hung up mutually. Here is my question: he claims she never called him and vise versa. Don’t you find it ODD that she would just let that go??? Wouldn’t she be bitter that he told me all the details and you would think she would call him and yell at him, or at least say, “why did you tell your wife, etc?”….just my hunch and it keeps me guessing constantly. What do you think?
To Sandy.
Not such a good day today my wife rang the OP and hurled abuse at her.She then rang me(the OP) and hurled abuse at me for not beeing in touch and told me ??thank GOD’ that she wanted nothing to do with me but asked me to ask my wife not to contact her.
A bit more anger about which I hope is good but a lot of tension.Still no communication with my older kids??I pray a lot and hope to hang in while the hurt heals a little.
All I want is what is best for my wife and kids and pray that they decide that includes me.
A lot of praying I know but i need strength from somew
Liz, I wonder the same thing about the OP, especially since this all happened a last week again and I called her and told her off. Then he emailed her the “it’s over, I love my wife and family, I’m not leaving email” again. SO SICK OF IT! Now silence, except for some extremely friendly like emails to do with work. She showed hardly any coldness at all which makes me suspicious, in itself. I asked my husband about this and he said he would have thought that she would have retaliated. He was expecting it even. We discussed this at length and then he said I am tired of worrying about her, it’s over and if she is trying to play some kind of mind game then let her play alone. She also, went to a friend of my husband’s at work, a woman, whom I know, and she, the OP is friends with now. Well, this friend emails my husband a how are you, are you ok, I’m worried about you message. blah blah blah……. So now we know that the OP went to this friend and spilled her guts and must have said that my husband is soooooo distraught and I’m such a raving lunatic(because of my phone call) that would she please make sure he’s ok. Well, my husband just deleted the message and isn’t going to respond. He said that he can’t control who the OP confides in, but he doesn’t have to participate. So in answer to your question, we will never really know how the OP will react. I would have retaliated, I know me. I would think anyone would, but I am not her and as long as I am not left without a way to check on whether they are talking, I guess I’ll have to swallow it. Hard to do, but no other choice except to call the OP again and I don’t want to start that. Take Care and hang in there. MS
OK everyone…..I hope you are OK with my updates as it is very helpful to me. We had a fantastic counseling session….oh-so-hard, but oh-so-good. Followed by a not so good night.
I have ‘painted myself out of the corner’…I think that comes from liz..maybe ms….sorry for not having the patience to go back and read. In any case, it had an impact. I wasn’t sure how I would follow through but felt strong about my feelings.
Our counselor was able to have him explain his words more clearly….which were that he understands in his head what he wants and needs to do, but his dillemma (how do you spell that?) is in his feelings of wanting to work it out without ever going back to the OP. I know this may seem obvious in so many ways, but for him it is commendably real. I don’t know if I can do it, or if he can, but, again, the honesty and clarification is so helpful.
So what we came to is that he needs to tell me what he can give me in order for me to continue to hope for the marriage. This was a new idea to him as he was so focused on my deadline of the 15th (Monday). It was incredible to watch his reaction to all of this. Relief, tears and thanks (in me saying there may be another way). It does not mean that he will give me what I need, but it does ‘paint’ us out of the corner that I made. He said that he is very clear that it does not mean a long term unknown and that he was afraid to even bring up any alternative as it was not fair to me. I do appreciate that he listened to me on that one.
Now for the bad part. My minimum was that there would be no more ‘trips’ with the OP. He planned one for tomorrow based on my plans to go skiing with the kids and thinking it was ‘it’ in one direction or another. He thought that either way this visit with her friends would help him in the process and it would not matter to me……….what a battle this is! He does not understand the part about how hurtful it is. This leads into the part about the future and what that means in this kind of thinking. We discussed it ad nauseum…..despite us both being very sick……..bad timing.
In the end he is still going away knowing that I may say it’s over..although we both know the intensity of the feelings between us makes that almost impossible. Clearly I am not doing my job in this realm. However, he could not be more clear in his understanding. I am sad that he could not see how I feel without me spelling it out, which I thought I had done, but now see that I was cryptic in this regard. But reading all the literature I now know that none of us can assume that the other understands or knows what we are thinking.
I hope this note makes sense to you all. In the end he left on a ‘good note’ of loving each other and working towards the long term. He has promised a plan for Monday. Can he do it? I told him it has to be in writing, as crazy as that sounds…no misconceptions. Meanwhile I have work appointments that I have to keep. This is totally nuts. I think of those who are teachers and nurses…how do you go to work every day and deal???
I am pretty sure I will be writing over the weekend in a total turmoil, but am so happy that our counselor (I don’t think I followed this thought through in this note) put me back on the track of paying attention to ME. If I keep that I know I will be OK and make the right decisions. I know every piece of literature says not to go to counseling if the OP is still in the picture, and our counselor has felt the same way. But this has been really good for both of us no matter what and I think has expanded our counselor’s way of thinking. It does not mean it will work, but that we have gained a lot from doing it. I am so much stronger and he is so much more clear. Is that enough……not yet.
Hang in there with me…….please! I am so in the thick of it. We all are. I love reading your notes. It helps. OK….may be ‘love’ is a little strongf…….who wants to be on a blog like this? Let’s get our lives back…whith or whithout them. We can do it! (Keep telling me this!)
Vincent
Just keep praying and let them take the time they need. There is alot of grieving going on. Do not bring it up to you wife as it may only instigate another call to her and it may feel like you are being defensive of the op which will only fuel her more. She needed to get this off her chest and tell the Op what she thinks and has a right to do this so just let it be. She wont keep calling unless she has a reason. It all may take time and you need to give it for them.
Sue
Yes you can do it, and you will do it either way.
I am disappointed for you that he is going away with the OP,
I personally would have a hard time taking him serious when he still wants to keep her involved. When I look at Vincents true remorse for what he done that is exactly what it should be when found out. And I hope for vincent that he has the fortitude to carry it through because that is the key and tell all. I dont know that your husband can think clearly about where he is going when he is off with her, I guess you can only hope they dont get along for whatever reason. Take this time over the weekend to surround yourself with good things, flowers that are colorful, buy a plant, life whether human or nature provides an aura that cannot come another way. Invite a friend over for coffee if your feeling better, keep your head full of other things so your mind doesnt wander back toward thinkin of him and what he is doing.
I can see you are very strong and are fighting to maintain your strength and even with your downfall moments you will bounce back with a greater sense of strength again. Make it about you a little more and more and in that there will be some sense of fulfillment. The more you can be a bright shining star the more valuable you will become to yourself and to him.
You can do it
Sue,
How is it going today? I am thinking about you and I agree with Shennie that how can he think clearly when he is with the OP? UGH. I love that you said “let’s get our lives back” because I couldn’t agree more with that statement right now. I feel like I am in constant “limbo” and it’s driving me crazy. Please let us know how it goes and I am thinking about you!!
Vincent – how are things today with your wife?
Hi!
I am so sick today the rest of it doesn’t matter so much. I’ve had to work all day so that has kept me busy. My kids have been great. They’ve helped with the dishes and laundry and know that this weekend is not going the way they would have hoped (they do not know where he is, only that they are home and he told them he would not see them until Monday).
I feel a bit melancholy. Part of me says that if he is with her, who cares where they are? I guess I’m just going to enjoy a movie with my kids tonight, work tomorrow and try to ‘look forward’ to what he will say on Monday. He best not show up without a plan to present to me. We’ll see.
I told him last night I would text him hourly so that he could not forget about me tonight. He laughed and said that would be great. He said ‘really’…….so I just sent the first text. Let’s see if he thinks it’s good or gets ticked off. He called earlier and sounds very concerned about how I am taking this…..well he should be.
So beat…..need to go lie down. Thanks for all the good thoughts and comments. I am amazed I am sitting here writing this and not feeling like I’ve fallen off the edge of the earth. I may not be strong right now, but I’m not a puddle either. Thanks to all……
Hi all,
Things today are much as was.As i write my wife is out with her friend and all my kids are out aswell.
I suppose I ask myself why was I so weak that I had to go get my thrills away from home when I had all I ever needed right here.
I am trying my best to limit the pain as a blow by blow exposy of my carry on can only deepen the wound.
I accept her need to know and of course anger and indeed that any healing will take a long time.Am I correct in assuming that a belief that the lesson has been well learned is neccessary for any reconciliation? I suppose a part of me is thinking that if I was going to be thrown out it would have happened by now ….I was a selfish bastard but I will tell you people I am keeping bad company at this particular moment..I am on my own with my thoughts.
What is best for them will be best for me I just hope it includes me ….cooked dinner for the kids and they ate it so life is not as bad as it could be…once again thank you for your insights and your support .
Sorry I am anonomous
I’ve got a question….how do I access the chat room? I’ve tried a few times to set up a new account and it does nothing.
Also, I did not text again tonight. Suddenly it seems so juvenile and only makes me think about where he is. I think the one I sent was good….”thinking of you….”. You can read a whole lot into that and it will serve the purpose for now.
Watched “The Break Up” tonight. Why are these somewhat serious movies billed as comedies??? It is a definate ‘b’ movie but made me think about the fact that he may come around and I may actually walk away. I don’t want to do that right now, but I get closer daily. We’ll see what he has to give me!
Vincent…..I have not responded to you directly. I want to say that you need to keep your focus and good things will come from it. Being truly remorseful and expressing that is the first step. At some point expressing all the good will be even more important. If you have not yet seen a counselor to work through your own feelings I would suggest it. Or maybe you have good friends to talk things through with. Either way, the point is that we are all…no matter what side of the fence we sit on…our own worse enemies if we dwell in our own thoughts and feelings too much without a real sounding board to talk them through. It is the same ‘slippery slope’ that begins this mess, but it is another mess that is created. Good luck with it. Keep talking.
I have been reading your posts with interest. At last someone can understand how I am feeling. My husband has been having an affair for the past 2 and a half years but I still can’t let go of him. He moved out for a few months at the start of last year but asked if he could come home. I took him back only to find out just before Christmas that he never stopped seeing the OP. He totaly messed up our Christmas and has hurt his whole family. We have a 15 year old daughter who overheard a phone conversation between him and the OP and kept it a secret from me for 5 months. He and the OP just shrug off how devistating this has been for a child. Sometimes I feel it would be better for her if I just moved on. He is having a terrible time facing what he has done and the mess he has made. I called the OP and told her to get her nose out of our family and give us a chance to work through this. Our daughter is very angry with him and they must have had a bit of a confrontation yesterday afternoon and he has walked out. Got a text from him saying he just cracked it and will be back one day soon. This has been going on for so long, he says he wants to stay and work this out but I just don’t think I can live like this any more. I am 53 and want my life back. I can see that he is struggling and feel that if he would just start taking a long look at himself we could work this out. I feel like I am standing at the waters edge, I know the water is cold but once I take the plunge and jump in it will be okay. I guess in my heart that I just don’t want to make the wrong decision but when is enough enough.
Thatis a long time. What does your daughter say to you. And out of curiousity how old is the OP. and how did she deal with you when you asked her that. In my experience the Op has no respect for you or your family because their relationship is based on pity for him because of you or your lack of a relationship that led him to this. Does your daughter want you to stay. I am not sure what you mean when you said he cracked it. Maybe just wait and ssee what he says when he returns and how long he is gone and if he is with the OP or on his own. Just take care of yourself for now
Great day today ????..wife and I made love am I a blessed man ? most certainly??.
Vincent
I am happy for you , that is a good sign for sure but dont forget
it doesnt mean she has let go of her anger completely. she has been hurt in the worst way possible and is not over just yet. But it is definately a good sign. She will likely ask alot of questions and even though you should be honest I would suggest avoiding detail, some things stay in heads forever no matter what. The less you can get away with saying the better because what you dont know dont hurt. That does not mean lie in any way do not do that, I just think sometimes if you get into it too much it can be really hard for some people to overcome. I can only say for myself that even though I asked many questions and wanted to know the answers when I finally heard them I was not left feeling very good and sometimes wished he hadnt said them or just made it less important than it came out if that makes any sense. It seems your rel may be on the road to recovery keep us all posted
Thanks for your reply Shennie. My daughter doesn’t care what way we go as long as we are moving forward. She has told her dad that he needs to get help and put in 100%. The OP is 46 and I agree with what you say… she has no respect for anyone including herself. She was in a bad relationship and used my husband to get out of it.Her kids have told her that they won’t have anything to do with her if they end up together and my daughter hates her. Good solid grounding for a relationship!!! Cracked is a term we use when you get angry with some one.
I have asked him to make an appointment to see someone to sort himself out… If he can’t do this I guess it is an indication that he can’t committ 100%. I have been looking at what I need out of this relationship and I am not so sure that he can give it to me. I will wait and see what happens when he comes home…. he always runs away when things get hard.