Learn from these real life extramarital affair coaching scenarios.
In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.
I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.
The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.
Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:
It feels like it will never be over. Not until HE acknowledges what he did and is able to accept my forgiveness and show that he has changed the way he lives his live. I honestly want to have cordial relationship with him, but because he cannot “own” what he has done he continues to act like a jerk toward me when there is no reason for it. I don’t trust myself to pick another partner. I don’t want to put anymore energy into developing a new relationship with another man. It is hard to keep my relationships with my in-laws, though we are very fond of each other and they have been very supportive of me.
Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach:
- Shift focus from him and what he is not doing to declaring your own standards for a relationship.
- Learn to value your internal signals in relationships as having validity.
Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:
- This tension seems to drag on and on. I want to see an end. I need some hope.
- I want us to create a cordial relationship. I would want you to have that wish also.
- There are some standards I have for a relationship. I need to work on those ?” to let you know exactly what I’m talking about when I say that.
- I struggle with reading the signals from you (or other men). I doubt myself. I wonder if I can ever have a relationship where I feel peace.
What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.
Chanelle –
I agree with Shennie and Joan, you are single, young, and have your whole life ahead of you. All of us have been through this nightmare of a cheating partner and we all have kids to deal with and it makes it MUCH HARDER. Please, if he has this character flaw now, and having a kid behind your back is HUGE. You deserve much better. There are many men out there who don’t cheat and you deserve to meet one.
Hi, thank you so much for the advice. Im trying so hard to be strong. I normally have good judgement on bad eggs and cant believe I didn’t spot this one coming! Its obvious what I need to do, these websites really offer the support I need right now! Don’t get me wrong family and friends say run too! Its having the strength to put it into action and really understand how much he has hurt me!
Channy x
Can I just ask how any of you managed to move on….i know for everyone its different. I get so lonely………. Some people are preoccupied with kids so no time to think about the problem, but my son goes with his real dad at the weekend and that leaves me lonely. i’m not ready to go out yet, prefer to stay at home with my cuppa. Alot of my friends are in relationships so they just want to stay all loved up…….I’m feeling quite alone and vunerable…….. i’m normally a happy go luck person…what can i do?
To Channellle;
I think you are smart enough to know now what you have to do. You are a young person with your whole life ahead of you and what he has done to you is unforgiveable by anyones standards, he does not have any!!! What sort of person does this someone you will never be able to trust a word that comes out of his mouth is all I see. Run and run fast because he will never be faithful and honest with you. Past preformance is the best teacher for you now. I would cut off all communication with him and look to your future and life with your son. He is not worth your time or energy!! To many nice folks out there to share your life with than a egomaniac who thinks be can BS his way back into your life. Best of luck to you and I think most of us feel the same way about your situation but you are the one that has to make that choice.
To Vincent;
I believe you, and I hope for you that your wife believes you. I know that is was a very admorable on your part to be honest with your wife and I hope for her sake that she does not throw away what the two of you had together and not that she ever will let by gones be bygones as there is allot of work on both your parts to make this work for you both if she is willing. I hope she is!! So many things happen to everybody in life and some learn from them and others don’t, I think you have learned a valueable lesson in life and I hope the best for you. I know that will take time on your wifes part to get through all this but with your concern for your family that you have and are willing to do whatever it takes I think you are on the right track. Good Luck and I wish for you both that things works out. Keep up the good work!! Keep us posted and I would have liked to see the man I am with would have had your attitude but we are all not so fortunate as your wife and she does not know that yet but she will in time.
To Sandy.
Not such a good day today my wife rang the OP and hurled abuse at her.She then rang me(the OP) and hurled abuse at me for not beeing in touch and told me ‘thank GOD’ that she wanted nothing to do with me but asked me to ask my wife not to contact her.
A bit more anger about which I hope is good but a lot of tension.Still no communication with my older kids…I pray a lot and hope to hang in while the hurt heals a little.
All I want is what is best for my wife and kids and pray that they decide that includes me.
A lot of praying I know but i need strength from somewhere
To Vincent,
I never did that even though I know who the other person is I just felt she was not worth my time. When I told him I knew who she was he asked me “what are you going to do about it” and told him “nothing but maybe she would like to buy me out of everything and then the two of you can be life time partners and maybe when I see her I’ll ask her”. He about died but said nothing. I never did that but could have. I am sorry your wife went to these lenghs but she is just really angry at this point and I know the feeling and I hope she gets over it. The other woman is going to be hard to deal with since she knows who she is, all the way around she is hurt and also upset. I think you should get another cell phone number and not give it out if that is where she is calling you. They say it takes time and I have been going through this for 2 years and never really knew anything for sure till last Father’s Day and that was a bad day here but we have managed but for how long is another story. I am very level headed and do not like to fight, I can but choose to say what I have to say and press on and he hurt me deeply and will probably never know to the full extent. Forgiving is one thing forgetting is another maybe your wife should seekd some help as her anger needs to be dealt with for herself I am sue you would be willing and it would be nice if she were also. Everybody handles these things in a different manner and it is hard for all parties and as far as you even speaking to the other person under any circumstances should not even happen. A clean break is the best and if you can’t do that things will never work out. If you have a pastor you can talk to that could be a good place to start for you both and I know your situation is a tough one and wanting the best for your family is a step in the right direction. What does your wife have to say about making this work between the two of you? Is she willing or does she want the big D? It’s to early I think to make any rash choices in your situation but sometimes those things happen also it’s just a wait and see thing I guess for you for the momnet and that must be torture for you both. How old are the two of you if you don’t mind me asking? Age plays a big part of this whole thing along with how you were reared and the area you come from it seems to me that different areas seem to look at things a bit differently. Maybe that’s just my imagination but I have traveled allot and have seen many different life styles & attiudes about this. Wish you the best. Hope you have a great weekend.
Great day today ……..wife and I made love am I a blessed man ? most certainly….
Hi Sandy – just commenting on your travel comment. Do other cultures handle infidelity better, or is it more “normal” etc? I think we are very into romantic love in this society and I think that has much to do with how we react also.
Hi Liz;
Yes, they do but it is also an understanding that they have between each other it seemed to me that they are more free with their thinking in many ways and that’s not bad if that is how you choose to live your life.I am a live and let live person but have very high standards and we are all reared in different fashions, I for one do not condon cheating by any means, just the way I am.
To Vincent; Glad that things are starting to settle for you and yours and I do hope that it continues for you both. It will all get better in time for you and yours. I want to see the best for all of us here on this site we could all use a break. Have a great day. Yes, you are!!!!
Hi all – we have just gotten back from the wedding of my husband’s Godson in Florida – all of our very closest friends were there as well as our adult son and his girlfriend – we had a wonderful time and my husband continues to be great to me and very loving and attentive – other than the weird thing about the car seat I wrote about a week ago, I have nothing, absolutely nothing suspicious – but as Liz said, that is still no guarantee, is it? because he could just be doing a better acting job and have become really secretive; the car seat being moved can be a slip-up and his saying that he knew that it would make me suspicious could be a way to try to divert my suspicion – so I am still watching carefully.
To Vincent – do you see from this and others’ comments how difficult it is for those of us who have been betrayed to trust the spouse again? – we cannot even trust what we are seeing, hearing and thinking anymore – although we discover a lot due to our gut feelings, we doubt what we sense because we know that we have been so very very wrong in the past about this person whom we thought we knew so well! I also did not do anything to the OW the way that your wife did – at one point, once my husband knew that I knew her name, etc., I told him that he needed to think about a couple of things 1) I never lifted a little finger to retaliate against her or him – there were many things I could have done, not the least of which was to tell her husband – even though she has initiated a divorce and our state has no-fault divorce, her husband’s knowing could certainly affect how ugly the process is, and her teen-age daughter would know as well and 2) I never called my husband names – I told him I hated what he did and that his behavior certainly made me re-think what I believe about him as a person, but I never called him a bad man. All of that is just who I am, I am not trying to win a martyr medal- believe me -I would love some revenge but living well and happily is the best revenge – maybe your wife needed to get some stuff out of her system but you have a long road ahead of you to prove your love to her – maybe not your love, as I am hearing that you, like my husband, even told the OW that you continued to love your wife just as my husband claims he did – but your intention to be faithful to her. So I guess a huge help to all of us, including your wife, is for you to share your insight with us – how do you reconcile loving your wife yet doing this? that is not meant to be an accusing question – it is just that I think we would like to know how the mind reconciles all of this – when my husband and I told our son what had occurred my husband remarked that he “could not imagine his life without me” and my son asked him “well if that is the case how could you do what you did” – my husband could only say that he “screwed up because he was screwed up”
I think that if you think of your wife as both your “old” and a “new” love and treat her as if you were just starting out, yet at the same time acknowledge and let her know that you treasure your long history together, that would be helpful – at least, that is what I know that I need. as far as the OW – in my case, if indeed my husband is telling me the truth and they have stopped all contact I can tell you that the only way this could have occurred is for her to be absolutely furious with him – which did happen when he gave her the final goodbye (for the second time after thier brief re-encounter) – he did not want it to be that way, I know – this is a guy whom everyone loves, so for someone, especially her, to “hate” him is very difficult for him – start as others have advised, by changing phone numbers – my husband stopped taking his personal phone with him and uses only his business phone – he also is now grocery shopping at a store out of town because it was our store in town where they bumped into each other in October – again, could be a big smokescreen, I know – so understand how skeptical we feel we need to be even when you are trying to prove things to us.
Anyway, I applaud your bravery in coming forth on this site since so much of it is slanted toward the betrayed partners and wish you the best!
To Marlene,
As for reconciling how I allowed this mess to happen-pure self centeredness….I really never thought true the implications of being caught.
I suppose I never knew how much my wife needed me or me her.As for my personal development i am just trying to understand how I could have been so selfish so as not to even consider the implications of my actions.
For me the other woman was a ‘thrill thing’a living on the edge …never needed just wanted.
A betrayal of a physical nature has cuased a deep wound I never really thought about and it is the fact that I never considered others that has me searching my soul to find out how I could have been so selfish.
Today has been a not too unexpected step backwards as my wife confided in her eldest sister who has been abroad and now feels that she has been too easy on me.
The girls are still ignoring me but I have great hope.
Hi all – Vincent – thanks for your honesty – I can see that there was also selfishness in my husband’s affair – the whole thing was more upsetting though because he believed that he truly loved her (or loves her) even though he loves me too and the situation was complicated due to her having had breast cancer and a supposedly abusive husband – my husband really felt like a knight in shining armor and he seemed to have no clue that I needed him to help me sometimes even if I don’t have any illness and am independent, etc. Don’t worry too much about her sister’s influence – I had friends tell me I was nuts to put up with his continuing to see her even if I had proof that they weren’t physical – I even had a couple therapists tell me that, so I went to a different one who is a man and was willing to work with me even though I was staying, at least for the time being – in the end we won’t make such an important decision because of someone else’s advice.
Sue – where are you – what has happened – your deadline was yesterday and I am thinking about you.
Liz – going back to a few comments ago – as you can tell from what I write I also keep wondering if I am getting curves thrown at me to keep me from getting suspicious and if it is all just a more massive and successful cover-up – if it is, he is a great actor – what’s so weird is that it is easier to prove that they are doing something than it is to prove that they are not, don’t you think?
I also am with a man that everybody believes and it is amazing to me that everyone believes him and he is such a good liar I cannot tell if he is telling me the truth or not and nobody else can either. How does this happen? I thought for many years that he was an honest and upright guy, what a fool I have been. How many lies he has told who knows but he does, if he can remember them all and that is something else I see it’s like his memory has taken a vacation. He says things to me and I just draw a blank as I never said those things and it’s like a big game to him. Unbelieveable!! I guess I will never get it. He has no clue what he has done and that just blows me out of the saddle. He can’t or won’t talk about her, (I know who she is) and that I find only in a weak person and he is a weak man, no matter the man when they cannot be honest with themselves they can never be honest with anyone else. He just thinks, I believe to let it be and all will be fine. Little does he know about how women think. It’s I’m sure a thing about getting older and a young thing by his side, male menopause, whatever they are just screwed up in thier heads. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence I guess. I could walk away without a problem now and have a good life but like all of us thier are things to deal with and I will deal with that when the time comes they have no idea about hurt, deciet and all that goes along with what they have done. They break your heart and then blame you for thier fault and actions so convienent for them to walk on water. I don’t know where they get these crazy ideas, it’s just nuts. Well ladies we are all in the same boat just some put it in other terms but it is all the same. Have a nice eve with your families.
To Vincent; I hope you had a good day, we are thinking about you and wishing you the best.
Things are difficult here at the moment particularly with my 18 year old daughter.She is a fragile young woman and has taken a severe beating over this as it was her who discovered my infidelity.
There has been little communication and she is missing school and is very down.For myself I have done a lot of work this past week or so and re-alise that my own self worth was a major issue here and how I never re-alised someone could need me that much.I read here often of ‘how could do this’if you really loved and cared for the people in your life?
I have no simple answer but know that it was to do with me and my issues and not theirs.
Healing will take a long time this I know but I am glad I have been discovered as I can now not only stop being so selfish but try to exorcise the reasons I allowed this self will to determine my actions.
I do believe that these moments are life defining and I know I will emerge a better person it just kills me to see the harm I have done to others.
It is possible to be sorry and to ensure that you never do this again …I must go forward from here but would give anything to turn back the clock.
To Vincent;
Turning back the clock would make life so much better for us all but time waits for for no body it just keeps ticking on and the baggage is still there. Free will is a heck of a thing and why do people do what they do, who knows just sometimes I guess in ones life they are not a satisfied person with anything in thier life and feel because they are not happy with themselves that a change for whatever reason is in order. If only for a little while but in the mean time we all suffer in our own ways. It is hard to look at the plain truth of it all and see the wake of destruction in the path one created for themselves and thier families, pretty tough road to hoe. I personally am glad that I was always the faithful one as I don’t think I could live well with myself if I would have cheated, he would have known right away and what would he have done, who knows on that one. I would have had such guilt and remorse that facing myself would have been difficult. I just know that I am a loyal person and don’t know how to be other wise and that is good for me and who I am. I wonder sometimes if he even knows that, another thing to ponder. For some reason I think it is easier for the man to get past his indiscressions as the thought process for a man is so different than a womans but who is to say on that except a counselor. Your daughter may forgive you someday and maybe not but it will effect the rest of her life and how she views relationships, maybe her talking to someone might be the best thing for her if she is willing. When we are young there is black, white, right , wrong and no gray areas as we see things differently but as we grow older and life takes it’s toll things and atitudes change for us all. What a learning process. Being a selfish person only hurts the selfish one in the long run because it’s all about them and the other people in thier lives walk around on egg shells or zombies not knowing what to say. Women are fixers we spend allot of time trying to make our families work for everyone and the one who reaps the least reward is the Mom. I raised six children all with different ideas about love, life, happiness and all that stuff and the Mom always no matter how bad it gets always wants the best for her brood. My children are all grown and gone from the house with good educations and wonderful families of thier own and for that I am grateful, I did a good job and worked hard at it and they did not know that at the time what it took but one day my youngest daughter said to me, “Mom I don’t know how you did it with six of us I have two and it’s a job to keep up with everything and there is the house, shopping and everything else you have to do plus my husband”. I just laughed to myself as sometimes I don’t know how I did it either because on top of it I had a great job, husband and family. I will always cheerish those days to the end of my life. It is possible not to let this happen again in your life you have to think about someone besides yourself, I know you are sorry and I know all about free will but that only goes so far. Just be a loving husband and father and be happy with yourself I would say is the first step. Have a good day.
Sandy – a lot of stuff I have read supports what you say about this being easier, in some respects, for guys because there is a difference in the way that men and women think – I don’t want to over-generalize, and each individual person is different, but there really is I think – what I have read is that men seem to find it easier to “compartmentalize” and that they can absolutely believe that what they do over here (for example, with their affair partner) has no effect on what they do over there (with their wife) If you want to read some stuff on how people rationalize things (and there is info about both men and women who have been unfaithful) try the Dear Peggy sites – there are also comments and questions from the spouses who were unfaithful which are interesting to read in terms of trying to see how they think about things – one of the things that still kills me is my husband’s thinking that he was protecting me by keeping the affair a secret!! It took him quite a while to even admit how stupid that is -what it really means is that it’s okay to do what you want even if it’s something that will be hurtful to your wife as long as you make sure your wife doesn’t know about it – to be honest, it is my fear that he may still believe that that makes it so hard to trust him – one thing I will tell you is that from my perspective you are right to be concerned that he will not talk about her – it took awhile and we did it in stages, but I knew that things were improving when he started to give me more info about the OW and her life, told me what was being discussed between them, stuff she did, showed me her emails and finally also lied to her so that he could gracefully avoid seeing her one day – this was all during the time that I was putting a lot of pressure on him to either cut off all contact with her or to forget about us because I couldn’t accept his being in contact with her anymore – earlier in the process, he was very secretive about her and that was clearly his attempt at protecting her as well as ensuring that I would not do something like Vincent’s wife did and call her, or worse. I think it went a long way to him to see that once I knew who she was and how I could contact her, I chose not to do so.
To Anonymous;
The only thing I said to him was “you told her you loved her and made her promises, do you think that she likes you leaving her bed to come home to me anymore than I like what you are doing, you have hurt her just as you have me? His comment “love comes in different forms and I love her as a friend and we discussed moving into together but she knows I am not going to leave you and I did not make her any promises”. I believe it is all a lie and always will. I understand the little tiny compartments of thier brains and how they think they are getting away with it all but they are not invisiable to everyone in town. I just feel so humiliated, betrayed, hurt and such a fool to have believed in him all these years. I see in him no future no matter what he says any longer even though he is now coming home and not smelling like cheap purfume and bath oils or whatever. I told him that I can smell her on him and a woman knows how her man smells and he just cannot believe that. I know is that this is not going to work out even if he wants it to because I cannot forgive him for the lost time more than anything, I was so lonely without him when I found all this out and now I have grown use to it to the point if he did not come home it’s not a big deal any longer. I know who she is also and I would not waste my time on such a trash bag, like I said once before I thought he would have had better taste. I think it is more of how he did it not what he did and treated me so badly for so long that I cannot forgive, if he would have been honest instead of all the lying, hiding, sneaking and verable abuse he dished out so well it could have been a different story but I hardened up like a rock and have more strengh than he has ever had in his whole life and I think he holds that against me also I don’t think that he thought in his wildest dreams that I would still be here and neither did she. I really believe that because I am a one woman man and don’t need or require adoration of anyone else in my life also not from him any longer. I have come so far that walking out that door is just a matter of time due to things needing to be sold and resolved. He is just clueless as to what he has done to me as a person and I am sorry for him that he is such a shallow person he never use to be so self centered, selfish, rude, uncaring, decietful, defiant and ugly. I see him in such a different light and he is not to be trusted by any woman as he will do the same thing to them as he did to me I just out lasted the others in his life. Once a cheater always a cheater!! Sad to say but I am just so angry over the whole thing I was so looking forward to his retirement and everything that goes with it but that is a distant dream. Thanks for the input. Have a nice day.
Hope everyone is doing OK and I assume you are as there has not been any reply’s in about a week. I am fine and just plugging along doing my own thing and waiting for winter to end it has been very cold and allot of storms which don’t appeal to me. He has been coming home but he is not a happy man about his life and he will have to deal with his problems because I cannot help him and refuse to also. This OP he has been with has clouded his judgement about many things and I believe he is having his own personel pity party and he is the star of his own show that he does not know how to change what he has gotten into. I beleive they have gotten more cleaver about the two of them and I still have a hard time to find out where he gets all this time for her. I don’t think they are seeing each other like they did and I think he miss’s her terribly just because he is so testy with me is the indication that this not over between them no matter what he says to me. Love has nothing to do with this as I believe he is just in a rut and a deep one, she I believe asked him to make a choice and he can’t be honest with her or with me. I just don’t understand why the back and forth thing, I think he is just addicted to her in some way and cannot stay away. Who knows where thier thinking is as we are not mind readers but telltales signs of his behavior are not pleasant to witness not that he is sleeping with her now but he is talking to her I believe. He just cannot or does not want to bow out of her life and does not know how to get out of this one with me. This has been just terrible for me and he knows it and maybe there is a hint of guilt but I doubt it he is a all for me kind of guy now. I never thought I would see that in him a real control freak and I think that is because he is afraid and in his mind needs that control to be real for him. He just will never get it and I am just plain tired of it all. Glad when all this will come to an end for me/him/us/her.
Liz, Hope you are OK
To all of you have a great day full of fun and laughter.
I feel like my life might be over because of two extremely stupid and selfish things that I have done to my wife. I desperately need help. I have read some of the responses here but I feel like I am the worst offender here and my wife is in so much pain that at times I feel she might want to end her life. I am so ashamed of what I have done and the pain that I have caused. Over the past few years me and my wife were fighting more and more over little things, compounded by stress of our two kids and not having any privacy by living with her parents since before we got married at the age of 20. My daughter (now 8) was born later that year and my son is now 4. we increasingly would fight and try to talk but we would start putting blame on each other and demanding that frm eachother that changes be made, we would sometimes agree peacfully and many times not. but always after a few short days or weeks of trying we would fall back into the same routine. over the years I lost all of my friends who moved away so i had no one to talk to except for her sister and her husband (whom with I became great friends with). In 2004 I would mainly talk to her sister about troubles and mistakenly I think she would talk to me about hers. We would even talk about our sex problems. Many times my wife & I would go days with out sex and would tell her I needed it almost everyday. She would try but she wouldnt be into it and that ruined it for me. I would persist ask if I was doing anything wrong, did she want to try new ways or kinky stuff. she would say no and didnt know why she was tired alot when I would try to initiate. I would visit her sister and talk almost everyday, we’d smoke cigarettes and she would comfort me and maybe talk to my wife to try and help. In my frustrations and messed up feelings I did something terrible. One day in early summer of 04 I wrote an email letter to her sister wanting an affair with her. I did it in part thinking she would help by talking with my wife about how serious our problems had gotten and how things were falling apart fast, and also in part because her sister was so kind to me and open about stuff that I think I was developing feelings for her. Her sister was attractive and had lost weight and would were provocative clothing. I actually professed my love for her in that letter. She of course told me I was crazy and that I needed to go to my wife and talk to her. I made her promise me to delete that stupid letter and keep it a secret and take it to our graves because I knew how that would probably damaged my married forever. Things got better for a while but quickly went back to being bad. I started to demand even more from her and I didn’t see the stress it was causing. A few weeks later in Aug it was breaking my heart but I had asked to seperate and my wife had agreed, I secretly wanted her to say NO and really try harder. that day I went to my parents house and she had called her sister to tell her the news. Blood is thicker than water and of course her sister never deleted the email and it all came to a head. I was the most disgusting evil a-hole in the world. I begged , we cried, I promised never to do anything like that ever again. we were thankful it was her sister who turned me down and not a stranger who might of started an affair. My friendship with her sisters husband was ruined, he still wont talk to me and that hurts me so much. OUr happy foursome outings were no more. I had lost that and it became an issue but she was willing to live with it. For a few months things were great, she had lost alot of weight, started school again and I was supportive and appreciative of her. She was even more beautiful then I could remember ar that time. I would help more around our new townhome that we rented, see we deciced that we definately need our own space and privacy. She even got a new job that paid almost double what she was previously making. That lasted for a few months. by Feb things were getting back to the bad way things were before, we would get stressed out with daily things like money, disciplining the kids or laundry and I would try to help and she would to but ultimately whenever we would talk we would just have one sided conversations and I would demand too much from her and then the sex issues started again. I went looking online for satisfaction sexually and found a married woman in a similar situation, we would chat and talk over the phone about our sex issues and it felt good to know that I wasnt alone. We agreed to meet in the parking lot of my job and we sat in her car and kissed and I fondled her breasts and nothing more. after that I felt guilty and so did she and we never spoke again. Once more I tried really hard to understand why my wife didnt want sex as much as I did and I would question my performance. When we would do it it would be great, we stared to try new things and she would explore a little with me, but alot of the times she would not be into it, and it made me feel like she was doing it just to do it and try to make me happy. But if she didnt want to it would ruin the experience for me. I would ask my wife and she would say that she didnt know why she didnt wan to. Oral sex was something I started to really want over the past months in part because it feels good but also because I thought if she could do that when she wasnt in the mood then I would be satisfied. She never liked doing it, avoided trying and would be disgusted when she would try. She did try and I would thank her for it. but the lack of desire hurt me because I got satisfaction from giving her oral sex. In the begining I would give oral because I liked to but after months and then years of not recieving I would say I wouldnt until she returned the favor, I think that made it worse, put too much pressure on her and she felt like she had to instead of wanting to. If she had to I wouldnt enjoy. so it became a cycle. Then in August we started getting more stressed out because since she made more money she didnt want to rent anymore (our Landlady was a real inconsiderate jerk). I thought we needed to save some before but she was persistant we knew a real estate agent and I let my wife do almost of the details and mortgage stuff. we moved into my parents house while we were waiting to close on our house by now it was Oct. and we were crammed in a room with just clothes and all our stuff in storage. My father, mother and younger brother plus all us 4 in a 3 bedroom house. It was bad, no privacy at all, my mother meant well and did our laundry and would help us wake up and a few occasion would take my kids to school so my wife and I wouldnt be late for work. The sex issue were getting worse and I had already been looking online again for a lover. in Nov. I found a woman and we chatted and met one day, I kissed her and she gave me oral sex. after that I didnt feel any remorse and although I never saw her again I felt I might be happy getting some sex on the side and having a happy new home. I was SO wrong! I dont know what the F*%# I was thinking. More stress was heightened with my wifes desperation to get out of my parents house and into our own home, she was so stressed out I just wanted out of there myself. It was unbearable, awful. Delays with the mortgage and the homeowners association plus the owners were not helping. I found another woman 7 years older who would listen to my frustrations about no oral sex and lack of sex altogether. Two days before thanksgiving my wife and I had sex the 3rd time in 2+ months, but something wasnt right she didnt enjoy it. the next day I chatted with this woman and that day, the day before thanksgiving we met, we parked in her car outside a motel, she gave me oral sex and then I rented a room and we had sex. I couldnt climax but was so excited to have someone that wanted sex from me and would enjoy it that I looked past this womans obeseity. she was fat and my wife was in shape and beautiful…what the F### is wrong with me!!! I was desperate! It didnt matter I guess what this woman looked liked really. we met again a few more times having sex a total of 4 and once just her giving me oral sex. I couldnt ever give this woman oral sex, she was disgusting to me but she was also very nice and I think she would use my complaints about my home life to her advantage. December came and my wife and I closed on the house and all the while I was seeing this woman. I took a week off to paint the house and try to move furniture in. After talking with this woman she put fear of my wife finding out in my head and I got a seperate cell phone like she suggested, so my wife wouldnt see the calls. I didnt want to hurt my wife with this so I did it got the phone but then this woman started to get feelings for me and I never reciprocated but I failed to break it off even after serious doubts about what it was that I was doing. I knew this would hurt my wife and I knew I had to stop it. this woman had even convinced me to take a day off in late Dec to spend a day with her, but this was suposed to be a “booty call” or just a side thing with no emotions. But this woman was crossing that line and I had to do something. she had rented a room close to my job the wed before christmas adn I reluctanly went to see her. I really wanted to break things off but as soon as I walked in the door she undressed me and gave me oral sex, I was so weak, such an idiot. We had sex and I showered and left, this woman knew I wasnt have feelings for her asnd sensed that I was going to end it. I had so much guilt and I didnt stop myself. The Friday after I fell asleep in my sons bed while trying to get him to fall asleep. My wife took advantage adn went through my laptop looking for a clue as to what I got her for x-mas. She instead found a digital receipt for the online site where I met this woman. She searched through my bag and found the other cell phone. She woke me up and confronted me. I broke down under her questioning and told her that I was chatting with these women. I only told her that I met one and then after repeated questioning I confessed that she gave me oral sex. I was so ashamed and desperate. she was so hurt and that hurt me even more. Oh God why did I do this! She kicked me out and I went to my parents and told them what happened, but before I got there I called the other woman and told her it was over, that my wife fond out and that I had made a huge mistake. She begged me to tell her in person and I was so angry at her I said no but she kept on so I said fine, she was out on the street anyway I told her to stop where she was and I met her and told her to get out of my life and that I really never wanted to see her again and not to conatct me ever again because I would never contact her. she seemed hurt but I didnt give a sh!t. I was honest with my wife about telling her and she thinks I had feelings for her and thats why I went in person but that is not true. I drove to my parents crying and stopped in the entrance to their neighborhood and smahed the other cellphone like 5 times until it was all in pieces. I told my parents what happenned and they were in shock, my mother was ashamed, my father was disappointed and I was an emotional wreck, I cried constantly didnt sleep but two collective hours those 3 days and I would call my wife and beg her forgivness and say I was sorry and that I was so stupid. She was so hurt, especially after the letter to her sister. How could I have been so dumb so inconsiderate, so disrespectful towards my wife and not to mention my kids. I didnt think about my family at the time I was so consumed by my selfish need for sexual satisfaction that I threw my morals and beliefs out the window. She took me back after three days and understandably would make me show her all the chat rooms or sites that I had visted and she changed the password before I could erase everything in my efforts to delete those mistakes from my life she asked me to be honest about how many times and I told her everything. She lost it crying and screaming hysterically and balled up on the floor of our bathroom because I had lied her to her again, I cuddled with her crying and swearing that I would never do this again and I meant it. Since then we would cry everyday and she would go through cycles of anger and resenment, fear of me doing it again, and then we would be ok for a day. It slowly got better she would go through those emotional cycles every two or 3 days instead of every day. She is sick of constantly hating herself for taking me back after the letter to her sister and even regrets ever meeting me and having our children. I know that these are words of anger towards me for what I did and I can take that but it kills me to see her suffer through this. we discussed going to couseling but on good days when she says she loves me and wants to believe me and wants for us to work on our marriage and be happy she says that she doesnt think we need therapy that I just need to get my priorities straight. I began reading online everywhere I could about marriage after infidelity and what I could do. All were basically telling me what I should have been doing in the first place. I downloaded some articles and read them, my wife has even read them with me and we started to fill out questionaires to find out what our needs were and talk about them so we could understand what I did wrong. I am trying my best to learn how to deal with this and a couple days I think this will work she loves me and we can get passed this if we focus on eachother and put this behind us. SHe still doubts my sincerity about me being with her. She thinks sometimes that I am settling and dont want to admit it. But I really do want to make her happy and for her to make me happy. I want for us to work at having productive conversations. I feel like I am at my end though. She would want to know details about my meetings with this woman and I would hesitate and that would make her feel like I was hiding something else, especially since I held back some info when it was discovered. SHe asked again and I told her every detail except that I had kissed the woman that first gave me just oral sex. She found it odd that we didnt even kiss or anything and I told her that I actually did kiss her. Up until that point we had even written an email to the woman with whom I had an affair to ease her fears since she didnt know what we talked about when I saw her that last time. She was calm and we were ok. But she blew up again about the kissing that I didnt disclose and now she is hateful again saying i will never be trusted again and threatening a revenge affair. I was being honest about everything but since I didnt say that I kissed her she is in a rage again. I hope it fades as it did before but I cant help but fear that I have messed her up so bad that she wont be able to take it and we will never be together again. On the days when we were ok I know it is because since the discovery I have been showing and proving my love by being attentive, helping her with herschool work and doing all the houswork even cooking a few times. I have bought her flowers a couple times and even showed up at her job with a suprise snack that she lies and a single rose. She smiles when I do these things and it makes me feel good. I have again and again sworn to her that I will learn what I did wrong in dealing with her and have vowed to never stop working on showing her my love and proving that I deserve this last chance to regain some of her trust. I have vowed to learn how to communicate properly and show her exactly what I need and to be more understanding with her about her stress and to be tolerant if she is not in the mood. I no longer want to be that selfish evil manipulative child that was for these past 2 years and that she hates and is disgusted with. I want to be the caring loving genuine man that she fell in love with. What else can I do? I dont want to lose her. She is my everything.
To Jason,
You have a situation that most of us would never even conceive would happen to them. I think that you both require allot of help, first of all to address your anger issues fighting in front of children is not a good thing it leaves scars for life and behavior is past on in a family inviroment. It is not healthy for them or both of you. You married really young and did not have the time to sow your wild oats so to speak, I think you both need a sex therapist also along with couseling to deal with your problems in and out of the home. Women are nesters and we love our homes and for that to be destroyed for some is unforgiveable just depends on the couple on how hard they want to work so save what is left if anything. You both need to grow up and see what actions need to be taken in your life to make it better for you both and if she feels she does not need help then you go get it on your own. You can read everything but the bottom line is to talk to someone and a professional not your friends and family because it makes life harder for them to hear about your follies and what has happened because of them. Good Luck to you and your family.
Sometimes you just have to step outside yourself for awhile. I’ve made a pact with myself that if I ever get married, which is not too likely, I’ll leave if she ever cheats, no matter if we have children or not. Of course I bet everyone says that, and it’s not so easy to do.
But life is just too damn short to be close to those you can’t trust 100%. You need to take a break from your life.. go somewhere and stay there as long as you can. Go see a friend and make him lock you in a closet. Anything. You need to tear yourself away from YOURSELF first off. Only then will you be able to look at things rationally.
Has anyone ever bothered to call the OP? I have!! I found her number and my immediate instinct was to call and find out what she sounded like and if she was a woman’s woman who would talk and see if she knew the score on my husband with 5 kids or if she was in the dark. I found out he lied to her and told her I was fat, old, ugly, dirty housekeeper, didn’t take care of my kids, psycho, boring, didn’t want sex, you get the picture. All of it was a lie! I told her a bit of truth about my husband’s past – she didn’t like that too well that he had been through 7 treatment centers or had a felony count against him plus bankruptcy plus five kids and a very beautiful christian wife who was very clean, very loving and that she should stay the hell out of our marriage. Yes, she still called him a few days later and told him I threw him under the bus. This is supposedly an emotional affair – but that is yet to be confirmed. He thinks I’m good enough for sex three times a day, washing his clothes, cleaning his house, cooking, doing his resume, but not good enough to hang with his crowd at the bar scenes. I decided to lose weight, get a full time job, I already have 3 degrees, wear my good clothes, wear more makeup, find some new fun friends and hobbies, talk to a counselor to let my anger out, signed up on this web site to find the pattern in these affairs and find the mistakes so I don’t make them. I write to our priest almost daily who he has bamboozled to let him know the real truth of the matter. My kids know the truth though he wants to appear as the good guy with them. I even called the cops one day when he got emotionally nasty with me over snooping on his cell phone. My right – aids can kill me. Put a scare into his ass. He knows he will be paying child support, alimony, and all of his assorted past will be brought up so the contact with the kids is at a minimum. Nasty yes, but so was his emotional affair after 20 years of being married to a totally devoted stick to it no matter what wife who gave him 5 sons and who gave up her career to be a stay at home mom. Lost my credit to his business too. He owes me fidelity at the least. I am not a miserable ugly bitch, I am totall sexy and other guys flirt with me at 50! I wear a 14 and love sex. I love going out, getting dressed up. I am interesting and do all I can to please this butt head. He is in need of self validation, wants to drink, smoke, do drugs and have women swoon over him. My kids think he is a jack ass all on his own, I don’t have to prod them – they tell me all by themselves, so do their friends! He couldn’t even make it to his son’s 13th birthday party and went out drinking til 3 AM. I’m good enough to roll in bed the next day. Oh, he got fired from his job – they found out he wasn’t living at home, was drinking, etc. They want a family guy. He was in line for a promotion and raise 2nd in sales in the company. I got to file the unemployment. I told him I will sue OP for alienation of affection if she persists in calling. He says that doesn’t exist anymore – actually it is a law and in my case, it caused my fibromyalgia to worsen and depression to return to have to be medicated. So I have proof of damages caused by it. Plus, my kids condition of muscle spasms due to stress has worsened. Bingo. Proof of the stress she and he have caused in our lives. His trick is to make me look like I make his life miserable and that he has the right to be happy. Yes, but not at my expense with his affair and lies and financial abuse, emotional abuse, and verbal abuse and neglect. His secrecy is the clue that he has not changed and is not really working on this relationship the way he has promised our priest. I cannot focus on him and his lies and just try to be the best I can for me and my kids. His addictions are his problems but his sexual affairs could kill me. She wouldn’t say if they had sex or if this is only emotional as he claims. Women and men need to publish their cheaters names and the names of the OP’s. I think a web site such as that would be of use to many. Also a spot could be held if someone knew someone was having an affair and didn’t know how to tell the wife or husband. It’s time we all stood up for marriage and truth in relationships. These people need the public embarassment to cause such pain to so many innocent families. Affairs are wrong and hurt everyone. Sex can kill you. The lies cause a lifetime of distrust. Without trust, respect, and honor, love dies. Prayers to you all.