Infidelity Q&A #3: Can I Stop the Affair?

My response is very direct. You can’t. You cannot stop the affair.

The affair was his or her decision in the first place. He or she chose to have an
affair. And it must be his or her decision to stop the affair, not yours.

Let’s take a look at this scenario. If you had the power to stop the affair, if you
made him or her stop the affair, what would you have? You would have someone who
would be with you because they had to be with you, not because they wanted to be
with you. And of course, who wants that?

But you can influence the course and the progression of an affair. Let me explain
that a little bit more. I would say about 80 percent of the people that I talk to
who are having the affair – the cheating spouse, the cheating husband, the cheating
wife – 80 percent of those know that the affair is not really what they want.

Most of them know that the affair is not going to work out in the long run. Most of
them know that they are on the slippery slope of self-destruction, and they see it
happening frequently. And most of them know that the affair relationship is
temporary. It will only last for a certain length of time. This is especially true
for types of affairs, “I want to get back at him or her”; “I need to prove my
desirability”; and the third kind, “I fell out of love and just love being in love.”

Those affairs are temporary and the person involved in the affair typically knows
that it is temporary. So 80 percent of the people out there having an affair,
really, one part of them doesn’t want to have it. So what you can do is you can
employ very subtle, very indirect methods of influencing the course of the affair
and the progression of the affair.

And I outline things that you can do in my e-book, “Break Free from the Affair”; I
take each of the seven kinds of affairs that I outline, and provide strategies and
tactics for each kind of affair. Once you employ these strategies and tactics, you
can influence the direction of the affair, not directly but indirectly.



  1. I made the mistake of interfering and “stopping” the affair of my husband 5 years ago, and–just like Dr. Bob says–I continue to feel [husband] is only with me because he has been forced, and I continue to wonder every time he leaves if he is back sneaking around with her. It is a never ending hell. If I could do it over, I would have walked out & been better off in the long run. At least have my own self-respect.

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