Infidelity Q&A #10: What If S/He Continues Seeing the Other Person?

The underlying struggle with this question often centers around ambivalence.

A part of you wants the marriage, wants the relationship, and fears losing a
tremendous amount.

And yet there is another part that says, “I am tired of this. I don’t want this. I
don’t like the pain. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I am disregarded to
this degree. Why not end it?”

It sometimes is helpful to confront your cheating spouse with your ambivalence.

“You know there is a part of me that really wants to be with you and hopes that we
can have a family and can make it through this. And yet another part of me says I am
not going to live this way.”

And then you say, “At some point I am going to work through this and at some point
I am going to draw a line. I am not sure when. I am not sure what it is going to be
like but I know that I will not live like this forever.”

Those statements often give a sense of power.

And, you are speaking the truth.

When he continues or she continues to see the other person begin to shift your
focal point away from him or her.

A person who says, “What if he or she continues to see the other person?” often is
focusing on the cheating spouse.

Often the wounded spouse checks emails or buys spying equipment or gets on the
computer and tries to track down where he or she is.

The energy, the focal point, is trying to determine whether he or she is seeing the
other person.

I suggest you shift your focal point.

Ask the question (I know this is a really, really difficult question,) “Do I truly,
really in my heart want to be married to him or her?”

Spend a considerable amount of time asking that question and exploring that
question from all angles.

Don’t say, “Sure, I want to be with him or her because I love him.” Don’t use the
word love, dig under that.

What are your true reasons for wanting to be married to him or her?

I have some guided questions that will help you in my ebook, Break Free From the
Affair.

Do you really, truly want to be married to him or her?

That question will help clarify what is truly, truly important to you – what you
value and what your standards and boundaries are for your relationship.

If possible, state to your cheating spouse what you are discovering about,
answering that question.

Video: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?s=continues+seeing+op

Comments

  1. That is where I am now. Six mo. later and I am living alone and he is still seeing his OP. In the mean time, he calls me to say he does not want a divorce. Why does he play with my felings like that?

  2. Still Breathing says

    Linda, I understand what you may be going through. My marriage is pretty complicated to say the very least, because of our children, we have both had children through affairs during our marriage and yet we continued to try to reconcile. She is living in another state now living another life and doesnt talk to me but when i ask her about us getting a divorce she gets upset and doesnt want to talk about it, at the same time whenever bad things happen in her life she calls me first. At times it seems we can talk but when the conversations become reminisent of us as teenagers she quickly gets off the phone. I really dont understand why she plays with my feelings knowing that despite all that has gone on I still want to be in this marriage.

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