Often the capacity to survive and cope with infidelity means that one finds self tolerating a great deal – often much more than one desires.
I’m creating an e-book on how to deal with these tolerations. I’m also connecting what it is that a person tolerates with the 7 kinds of affairs I outline in “Break Free From the Affair.”
Here is the list of tolerations for one person coping with and attempting to survive infidelity:
— Tolerating the emptiness I feel.
— Tolerating his continued involvement in the hobby where he interacted with the other woman (she’s not there any more, but….).
— Tolerating the fear and doubt about his commitment to our marriage.
— Tolerating the continued use of his Blackberry which was his primary means of interacting with her, though I believe they’re done, I cringe when he’s using the Blackberry.
— Tolerating his touch. I don’t want to push him away or punish him in anyway, and I know that sexual fulfillment is important for both of us… Our sex life was great even during his affair, but now it’s an act of will for me to participate because I feel so used.
Thoughts? Please leave your comments below…. thanks..
Yes, I agree fully with all these tolerations that are so hard….
it has been 9 months since I confirmed his affair. Initial numbness is replaced by periods of tolerations and me not being needy but about once in 2 weeks I lose it and throw ‘accusing’ bait at him to see reaction (waiting for him to admit or deny that the OP is still featuring). He accuses me of not wanting to move on. I have great difficulty in tolerating my absolute HATRED for her. It scares me to know what I think of doing to her. I want more sex from him than ever – maybe to validate that I am still attractive to him? He says he feels pressurised. I feel that he ‘owes’ it to me to make extra effort to compliment me and make tender love to me often. We had a healthy sex life before and during his affair. although she is 8 years younger than me, she is not very attractive. That ‘charging neutral’ phrase is the most difficult excercise in this whole universe. My therapist has asked me to make a one month date in my diary and NOT to mention her name or refer to her for 1 month starting today. Also, to enjoy sex with my husband if it happens and not to mention it if it does not.Give him the benefit of the doubt and see what transpires.
The things that I tolerate are sometimes very overwhelming. I have known about the affair for 9 months now. It was going on right under my nose for months. I literally have had my face rubbed in it. Again this morning, I found out that my husband is supplying her business with inventory that he orders for our business. He has our employees take it to her house and leave it for her to pick up.
The HATRED that I feel for this woman is staggering!! The resentment and anger that I have for my husband is horrible. Right this minute, I want to scream, rant and rave at him for his lies and deceit. He must really think that I’m stupid!
I don’t know if I can ever heal from this. Just when I think things are better, he pulls something like this again. These deceitful actions of his just continue to prove to me that he is still in communication with the B@#$h! I’ve had enough of this nonsense. I can only tolerate so much!
I feel for you. I feel many of your emotions. My husband swears he has not been involved in an actual affair with anyone. However, apparently he has spent a lot of time viewing porn and masturbating, as well as ogling other women from his computer at work. I filed for divorce over this same issue around 17 years ago and really thought he had understood that I feel this is a form of infidelity. Hard to compete with airbrushed perfect young bodies. Now, eight months ago, I discovered that he has continued his porn practise all along. He got to the point that he had sexual problems with me. I didn’t know why. He blamed it on medical reasons, which I knew wasn’t true. I just suspected that he was bored with me, like most folks do when married so long. Now I know why he couldn’t perform. I’m not a porn star, nor a kid. I feel embarrassed to be in his presence, especially naked. So, I have no one to hate but him and at times I do. He claims to be done with that now. Great…glad to hear it if its true. But, the damage to the marriage is done. I don’t trust him. I feel degraded. I feel ashamed. I fluctuate between anger and a tiny ray of hope that we can stay married. The problem now is me. I am not sure that I can ever feel the same about him now. He’s done this throughout our marriage and all of our past together seems fake to me. He says he loves me. He says he loved me while he was lusting over other women too. I can’t understand how this can be so. He knew how I felt about this activity. So, he hid it totally from me and continued. I feel like a fool. How many times must he have looked at me in disgust compared to his fantasy women. Now, I guess I am disgusted with him and myself. I feel criticized in his presence though he swears he can be content with me now. I can’t find a place in me to believe this is true. Suddenly, he can just turn off his desire for them? Now, I’m acceptable to him? I’m an old lady now. Makes no sense. Which smacks of more lying to me. You have a real woman to hate. I understand how you must feel. I have thousands of images of other women and his lust to contend with. I’m not sure which is worse. But, I can tell you that I deal with hatred and rage off and on. At times, I think that I should just leave him now and get it over. I don’t know which is worse, the pain of a divorce at my age, or the pain of feeling like an ugly, worthless old lady. I hope to come to a decision about that. I want to be sure my emotions are under control before I make a final decision. Then, I can be as sure as possible that my decision is best. Good luck to you. I hope your situation improves. If he’s still lying to you and you’re sure of that, you’ve still got a serious problem. Hard to deal with a liar….I know.
Hi Geanie,
Thank you for your support. I was so touched by the things you said in your blog about your situation. The one thing that I really want you to change, is believing that you are worthless. You are not worthless. He is the one with the problem and addiction. You are the victim. He is responsible for his own actions. He makes a choice to do the despicable things he does. If I were in your shoes, I would worry only about myself and making myself happy. I’m sure you are a very attractive lady, not old and ugly!!!!! You need to get that out of your head!!! EVERYONE has worth and beauty!!! Let him sit and fester in his disgusting addiction…you move on with your life and find some happiness for yourself!! I would do the same thing with my situation, but I have a business with this man and a teenage daughter to raise…not to mention the financial aspect of it all. My husband is so smart, that he will do anything that he can to ruin me financially, to the point that he will leave me with nothing. I have made a lot of money for this man for many years…yes, I did it! But, I trusted him way too much. MY MISTAKE!! I don’t know if I will ever love anyone again with such abandon, but I do know that this affair is all about him and his narcississm. (I think I spelled that wrong.) He made the choice to sleep with that creature from the black lagoon, (who happened to be my best friend at the time), and I am NOT responsible for it!! Sure, I made mistakes in my marriage, but I would hope so…I’m human. You are not responsible for your husband’s actions either. Stop comparing yourself to the fantasy world that your husband resides in. Let’s face it…he is probably no male model either!! Joke is on him!! Now, you take good care of you and move on with things that make you happy! Don’t worry about him anymore!! The truth is, he probably does love you, but he loves his addiction to porn too. Just like my lying husband. I know he loves me deep down, but he is hooked by this little tramp! She is not even as attractive as me…it’s the lies that she whispers in his ears…it’s the way she makes him feel like he is king of the world. That’s what they do with affairs…then they blame you for them and try to make you crazy. It is such a vicious circle. She wants him and very badly. She is going to continue her tirrade until he either leaves me or tells her to take a hike. But, I hope it’s not too late for my marriage when he finally does make up his mind. If I decide it’s time to divorce him, nothing is going to be able to stop me at that point…and I’m almost there!
I just found out the the lying SOB that I’m unfortunately married to…went to her house himself last night to drop off inventory!! I am leaving for the rest of the day to figure out what I’m going to do. I have had enough!! I want to save this marriage, but I’m sick and tired of the two of them so smuggly thinking that they are getting away with their lying world of fantasy and deceit!! It is just sickening!!! How much can one person tolerate?!