Extramarital Affair: Their Sex Isn’t Always “Hot”

Yesterday two of my coaching calls were with those who had the extramarital affair.

Both of them hugely regret the extramarital affair. Not only that, they explicitly described their sexual relationship.

And, their sexual encounters left them cold. Literally!

The first was a male who seemingly struggled through extramarital affair #6: I need to prove my desirability.? He described a life-long pattern of struggle with self-esteem. (Now, this is not news – most of us at some level question our esteem – but for him, it was more intense.)?

He found someone (or maybe was was found by someone) 15 years younger who flattered him. It felt good. The flirtatious relationship lasted for some months. He reported that they “tried” to have sex on a couple occasions. The result was terribly unsatisfying and only compounded his guilt.

The second person was a female who also encountered someone 15 or so years her junior. Of their infrequent attempts, she recalls being traumatized to the extent that she felt like it “wasn’t her.” She did remember that he was unable to get an erection. I’m now working with her and her husband to “makeover” their relationship.

I bring this up to help those of you who think that the sex your spouse/partner had with the other person was something just a tad short of stupendous, or maybe was indeed a stupendous event.? (Sex perhaps was on one level “good” – at least from their perspective – but this is only true for particular kinds of affairs.) Actually, I believe sex can NEVER be as good in an extramarital affair as it truly can be in a committed relationship founded on truth and integrity. But, perhaps more of that later.

Please keep in mind that you may indeed be idealizing their sexual encounters.

Many of you have difficulty shaking thoughts and vivid images of your spouse having wall-banging sex with the other person. This is OK. It’s normal. Our culture sends a plethora of distorted messages concerning sex. One of them is: sex is “hot” when you are with your affair partner. Not always true!

I hope this little quickie offers a reality test for your thinking.


  1. For me it did not matter if the sex was hot or not, just the fact that he had sex with someone else was enough. His affair was brief, we are still together but I struggle with the fact that I wasn’t good enough or our relationship wasn’t good enough for him to have said NO, I am not going to take this flirtatous relationship to the next step.

  2. I have to agree with Laura….it is funny that in my last marriage with a partner who was selfish and uncaring he probably took that bad behavior with him back to a dysfunctional previous relationship with his ex wife. What hurts me the most is that he did not tell me that he had contracted a STD from her. It wasn’t bad enough that he did this, but to lie about it and infect me was beneath contempt. I am no longer married to him. If he could put me at risk for illness and even death I don’t care what happens to him or her. They deserve one another.

  3. My husband and I have been married for almost 29 years. Last year, I learned that he has had a relationship with another woman for four years. He was working out of town during this time and was home only every second weekend. Shortly after he started working out of town (I think) before he met her, he was having a problem performing. He could not attain a proper erection and so, for me, sex was not very satisfactory. Prior to that time, we had a great sex life. I don’t know if this is what led him to look for someone else or not. He is 56 years old. I was happy to read that their sex is probably not all that hot. I was blaming myself and I am learning more and more that it was not my fault. The problem was his. He should have tried to talk to me and together we could have built a better relationship. Instead, he decided to throw it all away. He has left me and our four grown children and his family. He hasn’t talked to anyone since he left last year. He can’t be very happy knowing what he has done. He used to love our kids and I can’t believe that he could turn his back on them that easily without it hurting. Sex with her can not be worth all of the heartache that he has caused.

  4. I agree with Laura. He had an affair 5 years ago. 5 years later, today, he is having another one. And guess what ? He confessed that before this affair, he almost entered into a relationship with somone else, but didn’t work. If indeed he has a tendency to stray, if he thinks marriage is but just a piece of paper, and he thinks he should find love in a ‘carefree’ manner,then what does it matter whether he and the OP has hot sex or not. The fact that he IS having sex with someone else is bad enough. Has this got to do with ‘marriage’ ?

  5. My husband and I divorced 9 yrs ago after 29 yr marriage anad he told me of his affair that had been going on for 1 yr. He stilllives with her, but they have never married. Last yr we talked briefly and of course I had to ask him “the question.” He said in the beginning it was good sex and great fun. However, approx 6 yrs ago, she developed breast cancer and he states the effects of the chemo and other med and ruined her sex drive and they hardly ever have sex anymore. I actually don’t know whether to believe that or not, but does it really make any difference anymore. If that is true, then what keeps him there–is it “true love’ and sex isn’t that important? He stated one of the reasons he left me was because our sex life had decreased. If it isn’t true, then he is lying, which there is no rason for. ANyway, I agree with all the above responses–it doesn’t really matter if the sex is hot or not–the fact that he was having sex while married is the issue. He didn’t have the respect for me and our family to admit he was unhappy in our relationship and give us the opportunity to work on it.

  6. I’m writing here as someone who used to cheat and although I’m a woman, I thought it’d be a useful inside look at what goes on with people who cheat. After all I was cheating with husbands, who all had different reasons for cheating.

    It is true that the sex is not always hot, for me anyway. In fact, the best sex is actually at home because my husband knows me well enough to “press all the right buttons”. And all the men I’ve been with have been less well endowed than my husband and didn’t give as good oral sex as he. But the difference lay in “variety”, as well as my suffering fm sexual addiction, something I have only recently concluded.

    Emotional intimacy and compatibility are very important for enjoyable sex. If I had sex with a guy just because he was good looking, but I didn’t have any emotional connection and chemistry, the sex would invariably not be great. I’ve had a few experiences like that where I felt quite grossed out after that and wouldn’t meet them again.

    If on the other hand there was good chemistry between us, sex was more enjoyable because I felt more at ease and able to let go. But in any case the quality of the sex wasn’t so important since other factors like enjoying each other’s company was often overrode the physical aspect. For me and the men I met, we were seeking an escape from mundane married life. So enjoyable company was important.

    In the course of my chatting with cheating husbands or those about to cheat, the common themes were: 1) boredom/ variety (so they had no serious issues with their wives per se) 2) sexual outlet (these were men deprived of sex, whose wives would grant them sex maybe once a month, if even that, although other aspects of their marriage were not a problem)

    I am writing this so you can take a look at the inside of your problem with your straying husband. Where your husband was bored, there was really nothing you could do to prevent the affair. Where your husband was not getting enough sex, by now I guess it’s too late but that certainly was a tipping point. If your marriage was rocky but your sex frequency is high enough (weekly or so), then there is less likelihood that your husband will turn elsewhere. It’s amazing how important sex is to a man.

    There may well have been those wanted an ego boost but I would put them under the same category as those who wanted variety/ excitement.

  7. I have been married for 29 years and am having an affair with a married man for the past 12 years. I don’t agree with the above. The sexual chemistry between us is AMAZING! I never realised that this sort of sex existed or could be so satisfying. It takes the pressure off our marriages so that we can concentrate on home and family without our marital difficulties affecting our kids.

  8. Been there too. says

    6 years of fun…I came out of a 6 year affair and am now suffering the end results!It’s a terrible thing. I guess Paul in the book of Roman’s is right… when we sin sexually , it’s against our own bodies. I cannot even begin to tell you the consequences I have suffered.
    It eats at me everyday…and it must him too as he was a minister.
    was the sex good? yes , the best. But I am now going on my 7th month with no desire to have any sort of sexual relationship with my husband. It has been destroyed. He knows nothing and asks nothing.
    I no longer live in the past , nor look to the future only the urgency of today.
    Thanks for all of the insight. This might rank right up there with abortion.

  9. I have been in a committed relationship with a man for 18 years and just found out he has been cheating for years and on Father’s Day this year he started in on me over nothing and I did not understand what was going on. I cried all day till midnight and all he had to say was “I like her and she likes me and it’s all about the sex and the only thing I feel bad about is that it hurt you this much but I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you and the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence but my grass is planted here with you”. He lies and cheats and we live in a small town and everybody knows what he is doing and it is embarrassing for me to even go to the store we are still living together and he comes home from wherever he has been and I can smell her on him and his clothing and he thinks nothing of it. He said to me “you should be lucky to have a man who loves you and will take care of you not many woman have that and you should be grateful”. I almost fell off the chair. He blocks numbers on the cell phone, I have a woman who calls me and if don’t answer she hangs up or leaves music on the recorder and this must be one of his dismissed lovers as she told me about his cheating and with whom. What kind of a woman goes with a man knowingly that he is living with another woman? A woman with no self respect of herself. I am sure he has lied to her just as he has to me and his nasty mouth to me is unvelievable but she will see this side to him sooner or later a lepord does not change his spots. I told him you need to leave and go where you are happy as it is not here with me, he is still here, I think he is affraid ro leave here, unchartered waters so to speak but I think it will happen and I will be better off if he does. Also if the sex is all that great with all the excuses in the world he can come with is my fault “you are driving me away, it’s all your fault you brought this upon yourself and the list goes on. He is arrogant, selfish, rude, uncaring, decitful, demeaning and I believe allot of it is guilt and unhappiness with himself and his romping around as I have never stepped out on him ever. He has made his bed and I think he is in so deap even if he wanted to get out I think he has made to many promises to her to get out and he does not want to be the bad guy. He is in a self distruct situation with himself as he made his choices and based on his choices I have made mine. Sex for him cannot be that good with her he takes it all just to maintain an erection, I wonder if she has a clue to what he is doing probably not. He said to me one day I could not believe it, “I am having erection problems with another person” I said “do you think it’s the guilt” he said if it was that it would only happen with you now it’s happening with her and a erection is a erection and a tight ____ is just that”. I thought he has no respect for her at all and none for himself, nor self esteem and morality is dead with them both. After he said “I work hard and how dare you deny me a little fun in my life” Boy, is he screwed up!!!! I will never get it, I guess I have been a very sheltered person and was reared to be faithful and trust but I see now that this is not how it all works to give uncontional love to one person and care. His attitude “what’s the problem everybody is doing it I’m just honest about it”. He does not know what honesty is with me, her or himself. All I see is he wants his cake and eat it also.

  10. I am very happy to read the comments of others but I have my own problem to share too. I am married for 16 yrs and early this year my husband told me that he had oral sex with 3 different women and he really regret what he did. I told him I want divorce because I cannot tackle the situation but he said no because he loves me and because of our 3 boys. I am in a difficult situation.Until now we are still living together.

  11. Kreativegal says

    My opinion – sex is sex no matter good or not. Once trust has been broken it can NEVER be the same again. I found out about my husband’s affair (18 years of blissful marriage OR so I thought) right after I suffered a major injury and had to undergo life-altering surgery! So much for better or for worse…..
    Infidelity still leaves pain that cannot be healed.

  12. I have been ‘the other woman’ (sorry ladies!) for the last ten years. I think that my lover has stayed with me initially because of the novelty (I was almost twenty, he was about thirty years older than that). I am sure that his wife knows, however, I try not to create problems between him and his wife. i know that if we were to be married, he would cheat on me too. In fact, i know that he casually flirts with and maybe tries to see other women. I think that some men are just born to be cheaters, and will remain that way as long as they can.

    I am slowly trying to extract myself from my relationship, and so, for therapy, I am maintaining a blog. I hope it helps other people understand that the other woman is not necessarily more beautiful or younger or thinner or more sexual, she is just other. http://www.fillefidele.blogspot.com

  13. I was married to a man that I loved deeper than I had ever thought I could love. I had known him for 9 years prior to our marriage and we were really good friends. We have two beautiful little girls together. Right after I gave birth to my first daughter, my husband went through a horrible criminal trial for which he was innocent. I stood by him and tried my best to help him through the tough times. We went through serious financial problems because of this but I stood by him. I loved him very much. After the birth of our second daughter, he started to grow very distant from me. He became mean and hateful. We stopped having sex. I went through baby blues for several months so I didn’t notice some things like I should have. I thought he was in a deep depression. I did everything I knew to do at that time. I would even get angry with him to try and get him to show some emotion towards me. He basically said it wasn’t me but it was him. About 6 months before we separated, he started telling me I wasn’t attractive to him any longer because I was a mother now. This hurt so deep to hear this. This man that I loved, the one that I stood by through his trial, etc etc etc said so many hateful things like this to me. It made me numb. He finally told me he wanted a divorce. I left with our two children (4 and 1-1/2 yrs old). I had no job, no place to live, an undependable car, etc. He didn’t care about his kids. He moved in with a woman who was a mother to a 7 year old boy. They now have a 2 year old daughter together.

    It’s been four years now and when I went to drop off our girls at his house one day, he looked at me as if he was very sad. He didn’t speak but I think that he was trying to tell me that he was sorry. He doesn’t communicate with me very often. He has his wife do all the talking. I know he is guilt ridden.

    I have come to realize that he is a very selfish man. I don’t blame myself one bit for what he did. I gave my all then and I have so much more to offer now. I am glad for this website. It has helped me tremendously.

    Keep up the good work!

  14. I am struggle everyday, knowing my husband of nine years whom I have loved with all my heart had an affair for three years and bore a child with this lady. She is short, chubby, and her personality sucks. He isnt with her, but it is real hard to understand what he saw in her, while I was the one whom picked up all the pieces and stood by his side all the while he was sabotaging his life.

    I believe it was his own insecurites, he blew his dream career, he lost his job, and he hid the fact from the world he was expecting a son from this women.

    He says he loves me, but what is love? I believe he has a sex addiction problem for this is the second time he has cheated, and before I met him he went out with a married women for four years.

    I feel like I would never be happy without him, and my whole family and most of my friends think I am real stupid. I see subtle changes in him hoping he hit his bottom with this one. Other days I dont want to live. I know I did nothing wrong, but my heart is so broken. I freeze with fear.

    I know this is a stupid question, but do any of you think a man could hit a personal bottom and change? I love hearing all of your comments, somehow I dont feel quite alone.


  15. It sounds like there are lots and lots of heartbreaking stories that you all needed to vent out!! Yes, I agree cheating does happen in various relationships, but that doesn’t make it right or wrong. My partner cheated and I was devastated. I cheated on him, but he doesn’t know about it. And as much as I want to say he and I are horrible people-I know we were disconnected and giving each other verbal emotional abuse. I made myself out to be a victim, which I was at times, but because I had a low self-esteem I lowed his self esteem too. I called him stupid, a loser, and a lowlife. Why? Because I thought he would feel so bad about himself that no one else would want him-That is the worst thing! If I felt as shitty as he did, and then someone gave me attention and complements I would be drawn to that person too. Then there was a time when he was giving me no attention and I felt lonely and not good enough-I cheated on him with someone I knew. To this day he does not know that I cheated, but I still cry uncontrollably when I think about him cheating on me. We try to improve our relationship and we both agree that cheating is wrong. I have made a choice to never cheat on him and for 6 years I have not cheated. I know we both want our relationship to work, but we all get lonely when our partners are not giving us what we need-and sometimes all we need is commitment, love, a kind word, a date night, a little gift to show we care, a kind gesture such as washing the dishes, a love note left behind, a phone call to say when we will be home soon, a kind word said in front of our friends about our partners, an apology for doing something, forgiveness, asking what your partner needs to be turned on in bed, going to relationship seminars, admitting when your wrong, turning blaming statements and you statements into I statements. Instead of saying your stupid, you should do this, your ought to it this way, Instead say when you don’t respond to me I feel like you don’t appreciate me. Men cheat! Women Cheat! Do men cheat more-honestly I think women cheat just as much, and I am women!! I believe everyone has a reason why they cheated, and everyone has a sad relationship story to tell. The truth is that into day’s society more relationships fail then succeed. Why, because no one wants to own up to there own faults-both men and women are guilty of thinking of only their selves. If you want your relationship to work well then start loving yourself, and then start loving your partner. Stop blaming your partner for everything. It’s time to owe up to your responsibility. Stop cheating today!! End your cheating and stop the lying. If you really want to be happy then love your self so that you can love your wife or husband. If you’re angry-get over it!! If your truly not planning on leaving your partner-then don’t you think it is time to be happy! Happy means being dedicated. One of the biggest accomplishments for a man or women is to make your partner happy. How do you find out what makes them happy-you ask! You probe! You inquire! You investigate! Your test the waters-see what works and what doesn’t work. Cheating is stupid because that is like a band aid-it heals the pain for a little awhile-but it’s healing the pain temporally or until you breakdown or get caught-and plus it hurts people in the process. Everyone gets hurt-you, your partner, the other person, even children involved etc. That’s not true happiness-happiness is a goal you have to work at everyday so why not work at it with your current partner! The one person that has stood bye you through everything. Remember when achieving a goal or happiness-it always takes time and commitment. So prepare yourself for some set backs and failure, but the end result can be a lifetime of happiness with someone that knows you, loves you! Keep in mind that behind your partners anger they want to love you and trust you again too. So give up the band-air and fix the problem don’t add or cover it up.

  16. I made the first mistake of loving my husband unconditionally and never questioning anything out of the ordinary or his whereabouts. I trusted him completely. There were no signs of any problems or issues with our marriage and I thought we were very happy and very much in love. He has been in Kuwait for 20 months and I caught him having affair(s) with not 1 but 2 women. I uncovered the affairs 2 months ago. One of the women is 23 years younger than I. Even though he has “confessed” and told me evereything he wants me to know, professes his love for me daily, tells ne how sorry he is and begs for forgiveness; I can not get the visions of him and the other women having sex out of my mind. I have nightmares about them together and haven’t had a good night sleep since I found out about the affairs. For this reason and because I feel that what you have done in the past is a good example of what you will do in the future, I do not want to ever be with him again. I want to move on with my life. He refuses to listen to me when I tell him it is over and when I tell him to ocntinue on as if he were never caught. He will be coming home in a week and I am scared to death. I don’t want to be here and have advised him not to come to MY home. I can’t just pack up and leave because I have a career and children here. I wish someone could help me get the images of he and his lovers out of my head and convince him that I DO NOT ever want to be with him again.

  17. To all of you who are being torn by feelings that you must have done something wrong to cause the infidelity–the problem is most likely with your spouse, not with you. I found out a year ago that my husband of 40 YEARS had been having a year-long affair with a married woman whom he works with, who is 17 years younger than both he and I (we are both 64 years old). She has a fourteen year old son, and her husband has been very sick. My husband said he “fell out of love with me” and wants a divorce. He cannot seem to tell me why he fell out of love with me. He doesn’t seem to have any complaints to speak of. In trying to find out what happened with him, I found out he has been cheating on me for AT LEAST 30 YEARS, often with younger married women, at least 8 TIMES THAT HE ADMITS TO (and we all know how that goes), which I never knew about since he always told me how much he loved me, and we had what most people thought, including me and including our daughter, was a marriage made in heaven. He was home almost every night and on weekends (he was obviously cheating during lunch or before or right after work). We almost never fought about anything. I not only was a virgin when we married, I have been totally faithful to him during our marriage. I never even looked at another man. I cooked him a gourmet meal almost every night of the week. (He even suggested multiple times that I should publish a cookbook!) I am frugal and tried to save money so that we could have a good retirement. I took up hobbies such as photography just so that he and I would have lots in common. I constantly tried to boost his ego by telling him how good-looking he is, how intelligent he is and what a wonderful husband he is. Ha!!!
    On Mother’s Day last year, he gave me a card telling me that I was “the love of his life” and how much he needed me and how grateful he was to have me as his wife. 45 days later he admitted his affair and asked for a divorce. I was so stunned that I insisted he get an MRI to make sure he didn’t have a brain tumor that was causing him to act strangely. I just couldn’t believe what he was telling me. He gave me no warning–never said “I’m unhappy”. When people ask me how did I not know–how COULD I have known when he acted like a loving husband for 40 years? I now know that he was a master of deceit for years and years living a double life. I could never be his wife again even if he wanted it, which he doesn’t (he is still with “her” a year later). The betrayal has been just too great. So my advice is, if your husband or wife has strayed, get out now while you can still build a good life with someone else who UNDERSTANDS what it means to be FAITHFUL and VALUES what you do for him or her and the kind of spouse you are. You, and I, deserve someone who values YOU the way you value THEM. I wish my husband had told me sooner if he was unhappy with me, as at the age of 64, it is pretty tough to start over. But I am determined to not let his betrayal ruin the rest of my life.

  18. My partner told me the sex was good but it was only good because it was void of reality. Their venues were usually secret outdoor locations or hotel rooms charged to the other woman’s work credit card. He also said that while it was thrilling, he would leave the scene feeling sick to the core with guilt.

    Once the guilt had consumed him in its savage manner, it was easier to just keep going??he was in this far, so I guess he thought “why stop now???.

    As someone who has a very destructive personality, I think my partner just didn’t know how to stop his affair as it became to tricky being embroiled in the lies, the deceit and the habit.

    And, think of all the beautiful people in the world who have been cheated on????..Princess Diana, Jennifer Aniston, Nicole Kidman and the list goes on and on. Cheating isn’t about another person being thinner, more glamorous, more attractive, more fun…it is a problem with the cheater.We have stayed together, however, almost three years later, his infidelity has definitely left a very deep, unhealed scar that we both pay the price for every day. I will never love him in the same way that I used to.
    In my experience, infidelity is catastrophic and affects far more than just a family or relationship…it usually impacts upon other friendships, his career (because if the impact on his career as the affair was borne out of a work relationship), our quality of life, finances, our health, happiness and more. A catastrophe that is felt long after the event is over……….

  19. My husband of 22 years told me that two yaers ago he had a one-year time frame of having oral sex, that he was concerned about his “performance” and that he wanted more oral sex than what I seemed to be interested in. I am devestated. He regrets it. He says that he got started with porn on the internet, then online chat, then phone call, then meeting in a park. He wants the marriage to work. He says he won’t do it again. I am so heart broken. (We have son 16, daughter 13.) I don’t know if I can trust him. He got genital herpes and warts. So, now he is in pain and cannot have sex with me or anyone until it clears. How can all this pain be so rampent amongst married couples. Don’t these cheaters have any common sense? Don’t they know they are destroying their families and themselves? I am miserable and trying to understand and etc etc etc. Thank you for sharing on this blog. …. It is comforting somehow to not be alone. I can’t talk to anyone becuase of the shame and embarrassment and wanting to protect my children. God bless you all in your quest to a “normal” life again, free of this awful pain…….

  20. cosmicgirl says

    I just read Nancy’s story (no. 17 dated 21st October 2006).

    It is truly shocking how we all have similar stories, despite all of us being from different continents and backgrounds. I am 30 years old and, until 3 months ago, was happily married for 6 years (so i thought).

    I recently discovered that my husband had been having an affair. Once my suspicions had been confirmed, I immediately kicked him out of the house and severed all contact with him. He has tried calling and messaging me so I changed my numbers. I do not want him back. I didn’t deserve this.

    Like Nancy and many people out there, I was ‘the perfect wife’ – always loking my best, never looking at another man. He was the only man I had ever slept with. I had creative and wonderful meals set on the table every night, I am a beautiful, intelligent, accomplished, woman. Even after 6 years of marriage, I never ONCE refused sex and always wore sexy lingerie plus was always game to spice up our sex life and be adventurous. so, you might ask, why did he do it? The truth is, I’ll never know.

    He cheated on me with a married woman who is the same age as me. Even if he had only slept with her once (which he didn’t), my decision would still be the same. After I kicked him out and immediately instituted divorce proceedings, her husband also divorced her. Those 2 selfish people ruined 2 perfectly good marriages for sex. Even though he has tried to contact me (directly and through other people), I’m not interested. I loved him with all my heart. He threw it all away for nothing. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I firmly believe that. I do not want to spend the rest of my life constantly afraid that he will cheat on me. At the back of my mind, there would always be a lingering doubt and trust issues, so there’s no point. I would rather move on with my life, single and without him, than together but with me being a bitter and insecure person.

  21. Wow I didnt know this site was around I have felt so alone until now.So many people with the same agony….Im NOT going mad after all!!!! Thank God for the net

  22. I am a 33 years old doctor who has been married to a beutiful girl some 11 years younger then me.
    She cheated on me and left me with my 2 year old daughter, she admitted to have an afair with some other man for last few months and wanted a divorce.
    I still love her beside the fact that she has cheated on me,,,why is that,,why i cant stop loving her.
    I am so sad i have never cheated on her and she behaved like this………why??

  23. I am signing divorce papers today and I would like to thank all the people who have shared their insights on these pages and I especially would like to thank Bob.

    After loving my husband unconditionally and completely for 12 years, I learned that my thoughtful, charming, attentive, caring, soul-mate husband was none of those things. Our ideal relationship had never been what I thought existed, even from the beginning. A major and highly skilled, 12 year deception. Who will ever know why? Yes, he has probably installed a keystroke reader on our computer. If so, I hope he will see the comments on this page, and recognize his behavior. And I can only hope that I will be able to put this pain, destruction, and confusion behind me.

  24. I also have been married 29 years. Last year I started noticing changes in the way my husband treated me.Distant,didnt seem to notice me,didnt talk much, withdrawing sexually etc. I had trusted him totally.He was an absolutely wonderful husband. He finally admitted, after swearing he never could do such a thing FOR A YEAR!!,that he had a one nite stand 15 years ago.He says thats it.I dont beleive it.He will not admit to anything else.If it is over should I go on or should I confront the women I think it is or was. They will lie I know because their married. How do I find out ??Im so devastated. We have many children and we are such a close family.I dont know what to do.He is constantly telling me he loves me but it might be a lie.I dont know how to make him admit it.I think if it is in the open maybe we can heal but if it isnt I dont know. Any advice???

  25. Well, I feel so much better. Not to say that I do not feel your pain because I do but I take comfort in knowing that there are similar situations all over…I have been in a committed relationhip for over thirteen years and was married for the last four years. I trusted my husband to reside away from me to attend work only to find out he started seeing someone else. He claimed he did not have any feelings for her but took on her five kids and left me and our two chldren. He continues to call and won’t consider divorce yet its almost been a year since we separated over this. He claims it’s just “companionship” but who gives up his family for that…after I saw her, she is nothing compared to me. I don’t feel bad anymore. It’s a joke because my lil’ family continues to be happy while they struggle to hang on to any type of happiness. I have the last laugh..because I became a stronger, wiser and independant person…Good luck to all of you.

  26. I have found out so much that it is discusting what is going on but there are ways to find out if you really want to know short of hiring a private eye. You can buy tiny digital recorders and place them in thier car/truck you can find soft ware that will tell you about sites they have been on and every key stroke if he is on line with her, GPS systems you can install in the car that record every place they have been and for how long within feet of where they are, it just depends what you want to do. These things are so small they can be hinden well. I have looked at it all and came to the conclusion he is not worth the expense!! You are right they will lie, cheat and lie some more and he will never be honest with you because he cannot be honest with himself or her and it becomes a no win all the way around, like the lady said, once a cheater always a cheater and one person cannot heal the other no matter how hard you try. I hear it also I Love You on a daily basis but they are beyond that sort of understanding of real love they are selfish, degrading, demeaning, heartless, cruel, uncaring, decietful, controlling, deceptive, defiant, remorseless, self serving, all about them & thier desires at the moment. Like all people men/women we all want to know but it is fruitless if they don’t have any moral standards built in already and that is something all together different for us all. I love a man dearly and he tells me loves me also but I do not believe him any longer he is in to deep. If you let your mind wonder about all the lies he has told her, promises he has made, who knows what they say to justify what they are doing, but they do it well without remorse. I got the first I’m Sorry last saturday after 18 months of this, “I’m Sorry, I did not know that this would effect you like it has”, I thought you sorry pathetic person after all these years what did you expect, I told him that also, I also said I pity you, you have to many problems that you cannot cope with and this is not my fault you did this to us both and to her, shame on you. It does not matter what you say, do, nothing because they get to a point in thier own mind that they are right and you cannot change that attitude and they may listen to you to humor you but they really don’t hear what you are saying because they stopped caring about the only person that cared for them so much at one point. I said what I had to say like it or not and it was painful for me but I’m sure not for him. It is very hard to be tossed aside like you meant nothing to them and still love that person, hard to figure out all the way around. It is so hard and the heart break is so great for many of us and I am having just as hard of a time as all the rest on this site or I would not be here and I try everyday to have a better day. It rolls as water does off a ducks back for them. They know what they are doing but cannot come to terms within themselves so everything is your fault, things will never be the same the love, trust, faith, happiness you had like myself is not there where it went can never come back as it will never matter what he says I will never trust him again as I will always think in the back of my mind, where are you and what are you doing now. This is going to fail totally here because that is what he wants no matter what he says to me I cannot forget all the pain. He took from me so much as I was always a strong person with lots of pride and love unending for this man and he chipped at it everyday a little more all the time till I felt like a boned chicken. The only person they want to be committed to is themselves, no responsibilities & no committments and we pay for it all emotionally everyday they see none of the pain and if they do they ignor it. I am still so angry and hurt and have known only since this last June and it had been going on for years and I never saw it like others and the reason I never saw it is because of trust, faith and love I believed in my partner/friend/lover/companion/ and I think how foolish was I.

  27. After reading all of these comments and stories I feel I could sit here forever and write a book about my own marriage and the most Significant Emotional Event of my life. My wife had an affair a year and a half ago. Yes, it broke my heart! We have been married for 21 years. We are still married and I do love my wife and believe that she loves me as well. As the good Dr. says “there is the good, the bad and the ugly” that is love….that is marriage. We are all imperfect human beings and our relationships are complex. We are individuals and we are complex. Commitment and not giving up will allow you to personally be proud of yourself. So…do something for yourself…don’t you give up on yourself. Be proud of your behavior and your commitment.
    Why did this happen to me? Well, one of us was confused. Does it really matter which one or who was to blame? It doesn’t, and once it is done….it is done. It can’t be taken back and don’t get me wrong. Adultery is devastating to any couple. What are YOU going to do now? Give up? Not me. As I said “I love my wife”. I recognize that like all relationships ours is complex, we get confused, we make mistakes. After all…if she does not love me she is always free to go. And may God bless her.
    I’m very very fortunate. I am not perfect but I have been faithful. I feel good about myself for that. There have been times when I know I have hurt my wife by things I have said or stupid things I have done. I am very sorry for that.
    I have the greatest empathy for the marriages that end in divorce after xx years and either one or both then cannot or will no let it go and start over. A fresh start…wiser….more careful….a chance not to make the same mistakes you made with the last one over and over again.
    Someone loves you and needs you. They will be imperfect. Go find them and this time….hold on.

  28. This is a great site. I also have been a victim of an affair.
    My husband cheated on me with his co-worker. I knew that there was something wrong, I asked him many times to tell me what the problem was and he kept saying nothing. I came home from a business trip and told him to do whatever he needed to do to be happy. He moved out within a week and moved in with his lover.
    2 months later, he moved out. He rented his own apartment and stayed there for 6 years. We have tried in the past to be friends but he keeps on trying to cover up by lieing. Why do people decide notto tell the truth? I actually thought there was a chance for us to get back together. Now I know it is not going to happen.I always seem to attract men who lie.

    All I can say is I have hope and faith that there is a man out there that canbe faithful and tell the truth.

  29. I was also the victim of an affair – my husband and a girl he worked with who was a friend or mine. He lost his position at work and we were transferred to another state before I found out it had been going on for a year – he continued to go back for almost another full year – and she to meet him on out of town trips. He tells me he loves me and it is over – it was a mistake – midlife crisis – he doesn’t know exactly. She got in touch with me after a year – says she is dying and wants to tell the truth so she can “get into heaven” Says he told her he had never been in love before her. Didn’t know what love was until she came into his life. She and he went and got viagra together (it had never been a problem for us) She said “oh, not a problem – he just wanted to keep it there as long as he could” She was in my home, his office, all over the country on business trips. She said he told her he would make it work. HE says he was never going to leave me and she knew it. We have 4 children – they can’t stand him now. I have tried to leave over and over – and tried to forget. He always finds a way to get us back. Now – after 2 years of back and forth I can’t stand it – everything that he did – that he continues to lie “to save me the hurt or what he did” about so much of it. I am tied to him because of the kids – it would be better if I never had to see or talk to him again. I wish I could just die sometimes – the pain has been non-stop for years.

  30. I have been broken beyond understanding. His x wife dump their children after not seeing are talking with them. She basically messed with their hearts. They had no morals, values are respect. 9 and 11 yrs old. they called bitch whore plus some I was emotionally tramatized, along with being physically attack his son beat me so bad I was taken to the hospital by the medics. Oh it didn’t stop we went swimming and his son was trying tp pick up by my croch. His daughter would walk by and touch my ass. While he was traveling the country side according to him it was madority. In the 5 yrs they lived with us I would estmate he spent 1 at the most a year and a few months with them. His daughter tryed to choke me. I was emotionally and mentally broken and phyically breaking down. However, he was was going to Texas and I ask could I come along with him his response was his boss would not understand. I was mentally ready to brake. Well he went with out me. I cryed and sob and begging God for mercy.. He returned and I walk out and stated I was going to have fun. I couldn’t even function. I walk out the day of my 50th birthday. He needed to find some one to attend the children while he travel.. It was amazing he didn’t have to tavel anymore. He told me nothng happened !!! A part of me died that day and I have been cold sense then.

  31. I died internally. We are christians biblically based. The reality God will not keep from the desires of your flesh. In his word I found courage I really can’t say I am fully restored either.
    The inner turmoil is beyond belief. The day I walk out I died unto myself. To thy own self be true. He has bought very expensive gifts and none of it matters. I told him what I wonted most I couldn’t have. furthermore, I am not for sale. The cutting edge was the dagger he ran through my heart . He called family.I was unaware he was on the phone. I pick up the phone. Just to have a final reminder how he hated me I ruined his life, and the biggest mistake he ever made. married me.I broke in half that day. When I look up to see the LORD reaching down and he pulled me up and held me in his arms.

  32. Three and a half years ago, i found out my wife of 4 yrs. had been cheating on me. The way I found out doesn’t matter. We have allways had a very open relationship and I thought we could talk about everything. She was {is} sleeping with her boss at work and also with her oldest sons best friend. Every day that I stay I feel myself dying….that part of me that was trusting and kind, forgiving and passionate is almost gone. I’m sitting here at my computer typing this and crying because a BIG part of who I am has died and I don’t know if he will ever return. I’ve just had surgury and am leaving her as soon as I heal.I deep telling myself that I am a good man…I love hard and work hard, have all of wy life {i’m 49}. I feel as if i’m broken and empty. She says she loves me, but is this what you do to somone you love! I would have died for this woman…a part of me already has. Thanks for letting me talk.

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