Does how you learn about your partner’s infidelity really matter?

Researchers Afifi, Falato, and Weiner (2001) argue that the degree to which the knowledge about your partner’s infidelity is public and the degree to which your partner is able to make an immediate response are influential in shaping relationship outcomes. As such, listed from most threatening to least threatening, the following discovery methods are been identified:

• solicited third party discovery (i.e., you ask a neighbor and they confirm your suspicions),
• catching your partner ‘red handed’ (i.e., you walk in on your partner in the act),
• solicited discovery from your partner (i.e., you ask your partner and they confirm “yes, I have been with someone else”), and
• unsolicited discovery from a partner (i.e., without asking, your partner comes to you and says “I have to tell you something”)

What was found was that there are important links between the way you discover the information of your partner’s infidelity and relational outcomes. Specifically, the more threatening your discovery, the more negative your change in relationship quality, the more likely the relationship will deteriorate, and the harder it will be for you to forgive your partner.

So, how can you use this information?

1) When talking to your partner about your feelings concerning his or her affair, talk about your need to keep this a private matter in order to protect your public identity.
2) If you are the individual who engaged in the affair, keep in mind the “face saving” needs your partner may have and acknowledge that the way they discovered this information may have caused them both personal distress as well as public embarrassment.

Although these findings are broad, they stress the importance of the communication both prior to and after the discovery of these events.

Afifi, W. A., Falato, W. L., & Weiner, J. L. (2001). Identity concerns following a severe relational transgression: The role of discovery method for the relational outcomes of infidelity. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 18, 291-308.

This information was contributed by Allison R. Thorson ([email protected])